Mojave's Molten Gold
abab 14beats20 total reviews
Comment from krys123
Mikey, this writing shows your creativity, resourcefulness and tactfulness in this bomb was very illuminative, enlightening and inventive. Throughout the poem your rhythm flows smoothly and by the enriched 14 syllabic meter.
Cleverly written this poem story is inevitable to bring a readers intense awareness of retail that has been righteously told throughout time. Thank you so much for sharing and posting of your work and may you always find love were ever you are.
Alex
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Mikey, this writing shows your creativity, resourcefulness and tactfulness in this bomb was very illuminative, enlightening and inventive. Throughout the poem your rhythm flows smoothly and by the enriched 14 syllabic meter.
Cleverly written this poem story is inevitable to bring a readers intense awareness of retail that has been righteously told throughout time. Thank you so much for sharing and posting of your work and may you always find love were ever you are.
Alex
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Sure sounds like greed outwitting common sense and a fall into the abyss. You have made excellent choice of words with good alliteration and rhyming. It has a smooth flow and shows your poetic talents. Enjoyable read, much luck in the contest. I spotted no errors. Faye
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Sure sounds like greed outwitting common sense and a fall into the abyss. You have made excellent choice of words with good alliteration and rhyming. It has a smooth flow and shows your poetic talents. Enjoyable read, much luck in the contest. I spotted no errors. Faye
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Great poem Michael. The lust for gold has a death toll in the millions. The thought of instant riches. Why is man so greedy?
There are many legends about lost mines or buried treasure. It is probably the best come-on the Devil has; or is it sexual lust? LOL Good question. Well done, well done. Nancy
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Great poem Michael. The lust for gold has a death toll in the millions. The thought of instant riches. Why is man so greedy?
There are many legends about lost mines or buried treasure. It is probably the best come-on the Devil has; or is it sexual lust? LOL Good question. Well done, well done. Nancy
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
Beautiful use of alliteration, I think, and it appears that you've stayed within the format perfectly. I would re-think "more deep" in the first stanza ("deeper?"). This has a rollicking quality to it, and it seems to introduce the reader to the "feeling" of Sam & Nate, Randy & Fred. Giving these characters names and nicknames makes the poem come alive even more. Very well done, I think.
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Beautiful use of alliteration, I think, and it appears that you've stayed within the format perfectly. I would re-think "more deep" in the first stanza ("deeper?"). This has a rollicking quality to it, and it seems to introduce the reader to the "feeling" of Sam & Nate, Randy & Fred. Giving these characters names and nicknames makes the poem come alive even more. Very well done, I think.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from Sasha
I didn't notice the stumbling meter...of course I still have to fully understand what the heck meter is...lol This is an awesome story in a poem and a terrific entry for the ABAB contest. I am really impressed with this one. Superbly written and the imagery is awesome. Terrific illustration to go with this one too. Definitely a 6 in my book.
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I didn't notice the stumbling meter...of course I still have to fully understand what the heck meter is...lol This is an awesome story in a poem and a terrific entry for the ABAB contest. I am really impressed with this one. Superbly written and the imagery is awesome. Terrific illustration to go with this one too. Definitely a 6 in my book.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from Ben Colder
Great looking photo. It really enhances the poem. Well worded and very rewarding to those who seek gold over wisdom. Shalom.
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Great looking photo. It really enhances the poem. Well worded and very rewarding to those who seek gold over wisdom. Shalom.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture. I love the poem. I don't think a writer made up the myth. It was greed. People want riches beyond belief. We dream of things that we can not possibly do. Swim in a river of gold? We dream of the impossible because we know we will never get there. Great work.
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I love the picture. I love the poem. I don't think a writer made up the myth. It was greed. People want riches beyond belief. We dream of things that we can not possibly do. Swim in a river of gold? We dream of the impossible because we know we will never get there. Great work.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from 24chas
Really liked this, mikey. Great use of alliteration really pushes the rhythm of the piece. Love the characters you came up with, their names are perfect. Nice job.
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Really liked this, mikey. Great use of alliteration really pushes the rhythm of the piece. Love the characters you came up with, their names are perfect. Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
This is the most ambitious ubdertaking I have ever seen from you. It is awesome. A story in a poem. Incredible imagery. You must have spent many hours with this. Too many stunning lines to single one out. I think this might have a chance to win!!! NG
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This is the most ambitious ubdertaking I have ever seen from you. It is awesome. A story in a poem. Incredible imagery. You must have spent many hours with this. Too many stunning lines to single one out. I think this might have a chance to win!!! NG
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
Comment from rama devi
What an excellent exploration of the POV of the greedy hopeful gold miner... So finely crafted in mixed meter (that flows well) and the ABAB rhyme scheme. It's amazing that with such long line lengths this flows lyrically--almost sounding like a song.
Your muse has a keen sense of the music of words, finely enhanced by apt weaving of poetic devices like alliteration (particularly impressive in line one: sunlight slipping, soundless, flying fast)
and assonance
(Especially the assonance of A combined with alliterated S in this lines: Surly Sam a snortin' snarls, dancin' clackety click n' clack.)
and the combined consonance and alliteration of R here is impressive too:
Ripe-Rottin' Randy, Festered Fred, they peer; you don't look back.
Fine consonance of S here too:
This endless cavern greets my ceaseless fall down this abyss.
nice alliteration and consonance of W:
But, gold's in rivers flowing warmly, waiting for a swim;
I usually recommend people avoid the cliche rhyme pair of love and above but you've woven that in deftly in this stanza below--it fits well...and does not sound forced. Bravo!
Oh, forsaken desert, hellish hot, left somewhere up above.
They think I've long since passed away. I plunge for wealth untold!
So, let them grieve, they'll soon forget. I've no more need of love.
This ghost dives through the fire! I reach Mojave's molten gold.
Good alliteration of G and M and as well as consonance of F and S and assonance of o.
*suggestions:
The metal's soft as I have dreamed(,) and youth adorns again.
*
I'd made the Devil's deal with nothing,(no ,) but my fool's gold soul.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm smiles, rd
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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What an excellent exploration of the POV of the greedy hopeful gold miner... So finely crafted in mixed meter (that flows well) and the ABAB rhyme scheme. It's amazing that with such long line lengths this flows lyrically--almost sounding like a song.
Your muse has a keen sense of the music of words, finely enhanced by apt weaving of poetic devices like alliteration (particularly impressive in line one: sunlight slipping, soundless, flying fast)
and assonance
(Especially the assonance of A combined with alliterated S in this lines: Surly Sam a snortin' snarls, dancin' clackety click n' clack.)
and the combined consonance and alliteration of R here is impressive too:
Ripe-Rottin' Randy, Festered Fred, they peer; you don't look back.
Fine consonance of S here too:
This endless cavern greets my ceaseless fall down this abyss.
nice alliteration and consonance of W:
But, gold's in rivers flowing warmly, waiting for a swim;
I usually recommend people avoid the cliche rhyme pair of love and above but you've woven that in deftly in this stanza below--it fits well...and does not sound forced. Bravo!
Oh, forsaken desert, hellish hot, left somewhere up above.
They think I've long since passed away. I plunge for wealth untold!
So, let them grieve, they'll soon forget. I've no more need of love.
This ghost dives through the fire! I reach Mojave's molten gold.
Good alliteration of G and M and as well as consonance of F and S and assonance of o.
*suggestions:
The metal's soft as I have dreamed(,) and youth adorns again.
*
I'd made the Devil's deal with nothing,(no ,) but my fool's gold soul.
Good luck in the contest.
Warm smiles, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2014
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Hi! I didn't know that I could do a cartwheel!! I can't. But, I wasn't injured attempting one. That is the best review I have ever received. I am so happy I feel silly. I remember when I first started here and received occasional praise for things that I was unaware of. I suppose that we have a natural instinct to put words together that fit and sound good. This is so gratifying to receive such praise for doing it on purpose!! I almost posted this two days ago, but I reviewed it critically myself. I fixed the four star version in advance this time. Hahaha. I saw the above and love rhyme too, but I decided that it was not intentional and had to do with the meaning and not because I couldn't find a better rhyme. I am so appreciative of your help and encouragement. You give the kind of help that stays with a writer and helps with the next piece and adds up. Thank you so very much. I can't do a cartwheel. But, feel lucky you are not witnessing the terrible Irish jig that follows, mikey
