Night Hawks
a noir contest entry20 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. Plenty of sleaze. A bully picking on a young woman and two crippled old men. The young woman killed him. I call that justice. Now the old men can protect the young girl. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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I love the story. Plenty of sleaze. A bully picking on a young woman and two crippled old men. The young woman killed him. I call that justice. Now the old men can protect the young girl. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much, nelliesellie, for sharing my story and your most favorable review. I am delighted you loved the plot.
Comment from barleygirl
Your story is well-written in a highly-stylized mobster fashion -- it comes across as believable & compelling. Just can't visualize such a color as this: "Her smooth long hair was the color of a not-quite ripe tomato" . . . but other than that, your characters are well-developed for a short vignette such as this. Good luck if the contest is still going on.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Your story is well-written in a highly-stylized mobster fashion -- it comes across as believable & compelling. Just can't visualize such a color as this: "Her smooth long hair was the color of a not-quite ripe tomato" . . . but other than that, your characters are well-developed for a short vignette such as this. Good luck if the contest is still going on.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you, barleygirl, for your kind praise and astute observation. I used the painting to inspire me, and I was trying to describe HOW red her hair was, and succeeded in implying it was green. I shall try to clarify that before the contest ends.
Comment from Ben Colder
Remind me never to go there. Sounds like hell on feet accompanied with a Swiss blade knife. Good luck in the contest. Shalom my friend.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Remind me never to go there. Sounds like hell on feet accompanied with a Swiss blade knife. Good luck in the contest. Shalom my friend.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Ben' for sharing my story and your encouragement.
Comment from Carrie Carson
Great job, this really gets across the image of the diner and the surrounding run down neighborhood.
No spag, good form, flows well and has characters that are believable, too.
I don't recall that particular painting in Chicago...I was too focused on my hand which I busted up on the bean. There's a poem about it in my old stuff on FS. Fabulous job with this. :) Carrie
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Great job, this really gets across the image of the diner and the surrounding run down neighborhood.
No spag, good form, flows well and has characters that are believable, too.
I don't recall that particular painting in Chicago...I was too focused on my hand which I busted up on the bean. There's a poem about it in my old stuff on FS. Fabulous job with this. :) Carrie
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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I am thrilled by your wonderful comments and six-star rating. Thank you so much for sharing "night Hawks."
Comment from OldVet
Excellent! I love the noir style. You brought visions of Bogart in black & white to my head.
Not too much, not too little--just right. Well done!
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Excellent! I love the noir style. You brought visions of Bogart in black & white to my head.
Not too much, not too little--just right. Well done!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Hey, I could not be more delighted than to have this story remind you of Bogie. Thanks for the compliment.
Comment from chasennov
'Night Hawks.'
I grabbed the lower rung of my stool and pulled myself to my knees. Then I grasped the seat and slowly, painfully, stood. I leaned against the counter.
I found this to be quite a good story. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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'Night Hawks.'
I grabbed the lower rung of my stool and pulled myself to my knees. Then I grasped the seat and slowly, painfully, stood. I leaned against the counter.
I found this to be quite a good story. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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I am delighted you enjoyed my first attempt at noir fiction. Thank you for sharing.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is ver ywell written, mystery wrtier, you did an excellent job writing this story about the uneventful night that took on a night of crime. i enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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this is ver ywell written, mystery wrtier, you did an excellent job writing this story about the uneventful night that took on a night of crime. i enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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I am delighted you enjoyed the story. Thanks for sharing and your best wishes.
Comment from Dirus
Hi and thank you for the excellent read. I was impressed with the character mannerisms and dialog. Good setting and opening paragraph. Keep up the good work :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Hi and thank you for the excellent read. I was impressed with the character mannerisms and dialog. Good setting and opening paragraph. Keep up the good work :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Dirus. I am delighted you liked my cast and Mr. hopper deserves all the kudos for the "good setting."
Comment from RonCraig
This was fantastic! You did a great job with these characters, and the dialog was so well done. I could see Phillie's Diner, your descriptions for the scene were perfect. This would be a fun style of writing, with a constant string of analogies.
Great job and good luck'
Ron
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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This was fantastic! You did a great job with these characters, and the dialog was so well done. I could see Phillie's Diner, your descriptions for the scene were perfect. This would be a fun style of writing, with a constant string of analogies.
Great job and good luck'
Ron
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Ron, for your wonderful review and exceptional rating. I am thrilled you you liked the story so much.
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I enjoyed it, a fun read. You're welcome. The typical image of these PI's is pretty tough, I was a little disappointed your PI was of little help while Connie was being attacked due to his leg.
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Ah, but Johnny shows his mettle inthe next installment.
Comment from 24chas
Okay, you got my vote in this contest. Actually, you got it when I saw the picture. Probably my favorite painting. Then I read the story and I felt better about my vote, when it happens. Great story. You've really got the noir thing down. Terrific narration and dialogue. Awesome!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Okay, you got my vote in this contest. Actually, you got it when I saw the picture. Probably my favorite painting. Then I read the story and I felt better about my vote, when it happens. Great story. You've really got the noir thing down. Terrific narration and dialogue. Awesome!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much for your high praise and encouragement. I am delighted you like the story so much.
