Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

This is a wonderful poem, Steve. It is a bit of a sad story of young love gone wrong, horribly wrong, and I appreciated the reference to Spec Savers... we get it here all the time too. Giddy

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thanks again, Giddy.

Steve

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Oh no poor thing she made a spectacle of herself...sorry that was BAD....
If she had something on her bridge....she wouldn't have jumped off one....
Sorry again . I've just been punning with my son....
Well done
God bless....kiwis are warped aren't we?!

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Yes we are a little warped - have you ever seen 'Black Sheep'? What a movie!

Thanks for the cute review.

Steve

reply by kiwijenny on 20-Jan-2014

Yes I have if that's the movie about carnivorous attack sheep....baaaaaaaaaaaad

Comment from hobopoet

Excellent

Very clever poem. I love the meter and rhyme.

Two things, though:

1. S1 L6. "Where she sits shyly wearing glasses." It just didn't flow as well as the others for me. Maybe, "Where she sits shyly in her glasses"? Or maybe it just needs a comma between shyly and wearing. I dunno...it was a bump for me.

2. The last line is out of meter. All the rest, to my ear, are iambic tetrameter; the last line, though, is pentameter. Was that deliberate? I know some forms, like the Spenserian Sonnet, will bump the meter up a foot in closing, so maybe that's the case here. Just curious. :)

All in all, though, a very good example of the wonderful things meter and rhyme can do for a poem. Bravo. :)

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thanks for the great review and the suggestions

1. Yes, the iambic is not as strong here - would be OK if you heard it read aloud by someone who knew the poem.

2. There is one extra syllable in the last line - I have had another look at it, but I'm keeping it as it is. Again, in reading it aloud, I would slur the first two syllables together - I was --> I'se A bit of a fudge but I wanted the irony of that line and this was the best I could manage....

Steve

reply by hobopoet on 20-Jan-2014

Not every poem -- not even every metered poem -- has to be spot on with the meter. I've bent the rules more than once to make some thing work, and if what you have works for you, by all means, use it. :)

I was just pointing it out in case you hadn't noticed it; that way you could fix it. :)

Either way, you have a good poem here. I really liked it. :D

Comment from Righteous Riter

Excellent

Good eye catching photo that grabs my attention from the start. Good use of the aabb rhyme scheme. Good end rhyming. Good perfect rhyming with classes/glasses. Good description and alliteration. Good clear message filled with passion.

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from bichonfrisegirl

Excellent

Steve,

LOL ... yes, she should have been wearing her specs. Thanks for the laugh. I love your closing line, and your second stanza is a scream! Too bad she wasn't so smart after all and forgot her specs.

Well written with very vivid imagery created for your reader. This was a cute premise for a poem!

Connie :)

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thanks, Connie - the laugh is the best rating.

Steve

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

What a tragedy Steve and I was so surprised at the ending.
Not at all what I expected. Not at all!....
As Andy holds the dying girl,
His teen emotions all a-whirl,
He whispers words he's longed to shout,
"I was on my way to ask you out."
That's what she gets for being a drama queen. Nancy

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thanks, Nancy

Kiwis are renowned for liking black humour, so you shouldn't have been too surprised. If you ever feel like watching something REALLY black and funny, try a movie called Black Sheep

Steve

Comment from Invisible Poet

Excellent

Yes this is well written with good rhyming throughout telling a story that made me smile well done in the UK they use this slogan too

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Thank you!

Steve

Comment from Adri7enne

Excellent

Amusing idea, Steve. I thought you were spinning a modern Romeo and Juliette for a second. LOL!
Good rhyming and a fine, steady rhythm.

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

If that were the case I'd have had to bump him off as well - I don't think he's that heart-broken...

Thanks for reviewing.

Steve

Comment from LadyCosgrove

Excellent

They'd love it! We have those ads here in the UK too - enormously funny some of them. My favourite is the old sheep-shearer :o)

Rx

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

I didn't realise they were global - haven't seen the sheep-shearer ad - maybe they have different ones for different countries....

Thamks!

Steve

reply by LadyCosgrove on 20-Jan-2014

Oh it's wicked. The old guy ends up shearing his collie as well because he can't see.
Of course it's all done with styling the collie's fur rather than scalping the poor thing but you do get the message loud and clear.

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

Ah, sweet irony. O. Henry would be proud. So would Bobby Gentry--got some Ode to Billy Joe vibes from this.
I love the references to physics--time, motion, distance rates. Very clever.
Good rhymes, and meter, and very funny--in a healthy gruesome way.

Good stuff, Steve.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2014

Not sure if O. Henry ever killed off a character for a joke - he'd be aiming for a tear or two. Billy-Joe maybe....

I got the idea for the story when thinking of entering the 100 word dash, but then the contest filled up before I could save a place, so I versified it instead. Would have made a good ultra-short, though.

Steve

reply by humpwhistle on 20-Jan-2014

All in all, I'm just as glad you didn't make the 100-word dash. L