Lifer
Some prisons are not so bad;depends on the jailor22 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
It is so difficult to tell a complete story in only 100 words, and I usually wish the stories I'm reading had many more words, but you've done a wonderful job with this one. It feels complete (even though I'd love more details) and it flows well and makes complete sense. It is a creative response to the writing prompt, and overall, a very satisfying read. I hope it does very well in this contest. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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It is so difficult to tell a complete story in only 100 words, and I usually wish the stories I'm reading had many more words, but you've done a wonderful job with this one. It feels complete (even though I'd love more details) and it flows well and makes complete sense. It is a creative response to the writing prompt, and overall, a very satisfying read. I hope it does very well in this contest. Nicely done!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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Thank you, MissMeri! You are very kind and I appreciate your reading and commenting. Have a Happy and productive New Year!
Comment from in777wr#
A good twist on in this writing. This story tells of a man who wanted to walk away from a not so good marriage. However, the little girl touched her father's heart, and changed his mind. This was a wonderful story.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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A good twist on in this writing. This story tells of a man who wanted to walk away from a not so good marriage. However, the little girl touched her father's heart, and changed his mind. This was a wonderful story.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your reading and commenting.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is a very good story, but full of spag. And a three-year-old can't read a note. Here is how it I think it should be written (90 words):
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I wanted my freedom.
Her blue eyes had entrapped me, but the excitement had faded six months after our vows. Over our three years together, dissatisfaction grew like barnacles on a hull, slowing the ship of matrimony.
Twenty-two and restless, I'd had it. I packed my gear and left a note: "Gotta be free."
Before I could get out the door, she came up to me. A little girl with her mother's eyes imprisoned my legs and heart. "Daddy, don't go!"
That was forty years ago. I'm glad I stayed.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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This is a very good story, but full of spag. And a three-year-old can't read a note. Here is how it I think it should be written (90 words):
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I wanted my freedom.
Her blue eyes had entrapped me, but the excitement had faded six months after our vows. Over our three years together, dissatisfaction grew like barnacles on a hull, slowing the ship of matrimony.
Twenty-two and restless, I'd had it. I packed my gear and left a note: "Gotta be free."
Before I could get out the door, she came up to me. A little girl with her mother's eyes imprisoned my legs and heart. "Daddy, don't go!"
That was forty years ago. I'm glad I stayed.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2014
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Dear Phyllis, the child didn't read the note, the wife did. The child is not introduced or mentioned until she grabs his leg... and heart. And you know you're not supposed to rewrite, only comment. I say these things with the utmost respect for your expertise, but I think you may be a little over the top on this one. :)
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I tried to help. That's what we're supposed to do, right? In the process, I corrected a lot of spag. At least look thru it and fix your errors. And I'll make it a point not to bother with your work again.
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:(
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Look, I spent twenty minutes fixing up a mediocre telling of what could be a great story. You didn't appreciate my help, so don't be "sad" that I will ignore you in the future... soon as I learn your name.
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Everyone else loved it. You also loved another piece I wrote. You also missed a crucial part of the story. I think you may just be over tired...it happens. I am truly sorry to lose your friendship but I'm trying to be honest with you.
This has nothing to do with friendship. It was FULL of spag. Instead of pointing it all out, I did a rewrite that included those corrections. Others loved it? Great, but others aren't former English teachers who know grammar and sentence structure. Most readers here just say something nice, take their money, and move on. They don't care about helping you. I do. And this is the thanks I get?
If the story weren't basically good, I would not have bothered trying to correct things. I only do that for work with real promise. THe story is good in concept, so of course people liked it. I would THINK you'd want to know how to correct your errors and improve your writing, or why are you even here?
I worked too long to help you fix all those errors and got a slap in the face for it. Whoever you are, you just don't "get it". There is nothing wrong with me... I am not tired...just tired of trying to explain to you what you are not willing to hear. So I quit. If you're happy with spag-filled writing, then so be it. I will never again interfere or burst your little bubble.
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My story is getting worse every time you reply. :) No mention of how you missed the role of the mother and the little girl...and I'm confused because you rated it "Excellent"
And doing a complete rewrite is far more a "slap in the face" than anything I said to you. Sorry, but that's how I see it.
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I rate everything five stars, because otherwise folks get vindictive, unless it's so filled with spag that it has no place on a writing site till the author learns some rules of English. I usually don't even bother reviewing those, unless they're highly valued and I need the money. I'd rather just skip the really awful ones and avoid the hassle. Everyone here EXPECTS fives, so most of us have caught on that life is more peaceful here when you give folks what they want. But I DO give corrections when something shows promise.
Now, that's all I have to say on this.
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Thank you.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh, this is a real heart-breaker, this story is! It was actually a bit of a surprise gut-punch. Very well done in so few words - best of luck!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Oh, this is a real heart-breaker, this story is! It was actually a bit of a surprise gut-punch. Very well done in so few words - best of luck!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you for your valued review, oh maker of two lists! :) Well done for 2013, continued success for 2014.
Comment from ScydeFX
Wow, the second to last line hit me from nowhere - usually I'm very cynical of poetry and very short stories, and I randomly looked at at this and felt I had to comment. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Wow, the second to last line hit me from nowhere - usually I'm very cynical of poetry and very short stories, and I randomly looked at at this and felt I had to comment. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you. I read your "Mask" piece by way of reciprocating for your reading mine. I have some strong views on the subject which I was going to share here, but it seems more appropriate to leave them there.
Comment from Janie King
Oh my, now that is a tear jerker and one surely couldn't walk out on their child as in this story. Excellent piece with important message. God bless you. Janie
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Oh my, now that is a tear jerker and one surely couldn't walk out on their child as in this story. Excellent piece with important message. God bless you. Janie
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you Janie and for your prompts for our mutual friend, Evelyn Stewart. And God bless you as well.
Comment from mfowler
I have vague memory of being at that stage not long into my forty year plus marriage began. It must be a male thing at that age, when marriage can feel like a prison, and the villain and the jailer is always the wife, not the loss of old freedoms one isn't quite mature enough to accept. I think you've done a good job here with such a restricted word budget, to relate the feelings, make the break, and return. The blue eye references re your wife and child are telling, and your apparent joy at coming back which is expressed after a long marriage, is a key element to the appeal of this piece.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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I have vague memory of being at that stage not long into my forty year plus marriage began. It must be a male thing at that age, when marriage can feel like a prison, and the villain and the jailer is always the wife, not the loss of old freedoms one isn't quite mature enough to accept. I think you've done a good job here with such a restricted word budget, to relate the feelings, make the break, and return. The blue eye references re your wife and child are telling, and your apparent joy at coming back which is expressed after a long marriage, is a key element to the appeal of this piece.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you for a very thoughtful review. They tell us that if partners will stick it out in the rough times, they will be glad they did some five years down the road. Love has many aspects, yes?
Comment from Jackarrie
This is a great story for so few words. I am glad he stayed,
so many do not and the pain and the heartache is tremendous. The children do suffer.
Well written and good luck in the contest. Mary
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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This is a great story for so few words. I am glad he stayed,
so many do not and the pain and the heartache is tremendous. The children do suffer.
Well written and good luck in the contest. Mary
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you, Mary.
Comment from Cajungirl
What an excellent take on the writing prompt 'prisoner'. A child is a real prisoner of a parent's heart. Best of luck in the contest, your entry is fantastic.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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What an excellent take on the writing prompt 'prisoner'. A child is a real prisoner of a parent's heart. Best of luck in the contest, your entry is fantastic.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you and you're pretty fantastic yourself! :)
Comment from PoeticXscape
This is a good story. I am glad of the nice ending. I hope there will be more from this in the future. thank you for sharing and keep on writing.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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This is a good story. I am glad of the nice ending. I hope there will be more from this in the future. thank you for sharing and keep on writing.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2014
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Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly.