Mango's Fifth Birthday
A Mango and Bert story33 total reviews
Comment from pensee
A colorful and playful piece, with problems that children can relate to, a lesson, and it's about a puppy; nicely done.
Structure: Well organized, smooth transitions and it flows well.
Grammar: Looks perfect.
Wording: Consider reworking a few of your "to be" verbs (passive voice):
"She was learning how to read one day and how to write the next. They were all learning about the sun and the moon."
could read like:
She learned how to read one day and how to write the next. They all learned about the sun and the moon.
*A great read. I'm glad I found this one and will look for more!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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A colorful and playful piece, with problems that children can relate to, a lesson, and it's about a puppy; nicely done.
Structure: Well organized, smooth transitions and it flows well.
Grammar: Looks perfect.
Wording: Consider reworking a few of your "to be" verbs (passive voice):
"She was learning how to read one day and how to write the next. They were all learning about the sun and the moon."
could read like:
She learned how to read one day and how to write the next. They all learned about the sun and the moon.
*A great read. I'm glad I found this one and will look for more!
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Thank you pensee. I made the couple of suggested changes, reads better. I appreciate the feedback and encouragement from you.
John
Comment from adewpearl
beagle, who is about to - add comma
You set the stage well and express Mango's worries about starting school effectively
walk you home everyday - every day
I love the field trip to the beaver's dam :-)
You teach lessons well within the context of an interesting story :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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beagle, who is about to - add comma
You set the stage well and express Mango's worries about starting school effectively
walk you home everyday - every day
I love the field trip to the beaver's dam :-)
You teach lessons well within the context of an interesting story :-) Brooke
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Thank you Brooke. I fixed those two errors.
Always appreciate your time and stopping to read my posts. John
Comment from Connie C
What a delightful little story, John, full of animals but mostly about dogs, my favorite animals. This would be a fun one to read to children and also contains at least one lesson that we can't always get what we want when we want it. Good job here!
Connie
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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What a delightful little story, John, full of animals but mostly about dogs, my favorite animals. This would be a fun one to read to children and also contains at least one lesson that we can't always get what we want when we want it. Good job here!
Connie
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Thank you Connie. I'm envisioning multiple stories with Mango & Bert with "morals" to the story endings. This is my second one. I may have to expand them with a little more fluff. We'll see.
Thank you for reading. John
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
My first thought when I read this was wait...a five year old dog is really 35 in dog years. LOL. But as I read it I thought of how great this could be for children getting ready to start school. It discusses their fears, gives them hope and in the end they love it. You did a marvelous job with this
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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My first thought when I read this was wait...a five year old dog is really 35 in dog years. LOL. But as I read it I thought of how great this could be for children getting ready to start school. It discusses their fears, gives them hope and in the end they love it. You did a marvelous job with this
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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I never gave that "dog years" any thought. I don't think it should pose any issues with further stories, do you?
Thank you for reading and your time. Always appreciated. John
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
I think the Rolling Stones said something along the same lines as the conclusion in this piece. An interesting parody suitable for children. An illustrated book would be well received I'm sure. Well told and presented with no obvious SPAG or POV issues. Excellent especially if read aloud with suitable emphasis.
Regards:
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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I think the Rolling Stones said something along the same lines as the conclusion in this piece. An interesting parody suitable for children. An illustrated book would be well received I'm sure. Well told and presented with no obvious SPAG or POV issues. Excellent especially if read aloud with suitable emphasis.
Regards:
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Yeah, but mine was better, Mick Jagger's old! HaHaHa...
Thanks for reading. If I continue to write these stories and use "morals" from Aesop and others, but not there stories, is that plagiarism? I don't think so... Any idea?
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Dear J: As long as you don't copy verbatim you can be inspired. As to any ideas, my experience other than Mother Goose is limited. Right now I'm writing 100 short poems on America. Just posted 2 more #65.66. Hood luck.
With Respect: Steve C
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Thank you for the insight. I recently read the one on RT66 and Rosa Parks.
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Dear J: Thanks so much. I put out the poems in pairs 2x a week. Lots of sweat believe you me.
Cheers: Steve C
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Nothing well done comes without sweat on our brow. I'll look for them later today. John
Comment from maggieadams
Nice moral of the story...I love how you told it through our beloved animals which kids can relate to better sometimes. Liked the alliteration of names with animals...we read audibly. Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Nice moral of the story...I love how you told it through our beloved animals which kids can relate to better sometimes. Liked the alliteration of names with animals...we read audibly. Great job.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Thank you Maggie for reading, your time and talent. Your words are encouraging, I appreciate it very much.
John
Comment from Introspection
Very good children's story; well-written with good characterisation. I think that you should change the category from general to children's. With some good illustrations, this could be a lovely picture book.
However, I did notice a few syntax errors. Where you wrote, "They all were learning about the sun and the moon," I would say, "They WERE all learning..." Where you wrote, "Billy was so excited to show them the dam he built," I would say, "...the dam he HAD built." Finally, "One has to understand that they can't have everything they want exactly when they want it," doesn't quite work. "One" and "they" are different things (one meaning oneself). Either stick to one, for example, "One has to understand that one can't have everything one wants exactly when one wants it," or change the start of the sentence to something like, "Little ones have to understand that they..."
Overall, nice little story. I hope you don't mind my grammatical nit-picking!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Very good children's story; well-written with good characterisation. I think that you should change the category from general to children's. With some good illustrations, this could be a lovely picture book.
However, I did notice a few syntax errors. Where you wrote, "They all were learning about the sun and the moon," I would say, "They WERE all learning..." Where you wrote, "Billy was so excited to show them the dam he built," I would say, "...the dam he HAD built." Finally, "One has to understand that they can't have everything they want exactly when they want it," doesn't quite work. "One" and "they" are different things (one meaning oneself). Either stick to one, for example, "One has to understand that one can't have everything one wants exactly when one wants it," or change the start of the sentence to something like, "Little ones have to understand that they..."
Overall, nice little story. I hope you don't mind my grammatical nit-picking!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Mind?? Not at all, I welcome it and I thank you. I fully understand the last correction, makes all the sense and I appreciate the suggestion to make a change in the sentence "Little ones have to understand..."
Wow, a picture book? That's my goal/dream. Thank you for the encouragement. I'm off to make the changes, thank you, John
Comment from Nosha17
A very nice children's poem with personification of the animals. It was a very enjoyable read with all the delightful names of the animals and the clear message to kids how important learning and going to school is. Well-written. Faye
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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A very nice children's poem with personification of the animals. It was a very enjoyable read with all the delightful names of the animals and the clear message to kids how important learning and going to school is. Well-written. Faye
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Thank you Faye for your kind words in the review. Always appreciated. John
Comment from RGstar
What a beautiful little write. I loved the image. Though it is not, it reminded me of Monet.
I loved the feel of the whole thing from the beginning. It had the setting of something beautiful from the first line.
Reminds me a little of a Fable.
"And by the way," Bert said looking back at Mango. "Now that you are going to be a student, you have to learn not to use the word, ain't!"
I loved that...'ain't it'...ha,ha
''Going to school was much more fun than Mango expected. She was learning how to read [on] one day and how to write [on] the next. They all were learning about the sun and the moon. They even took field a trip to the woods''
IA little mistake above. Take away both the words 'on' in front of 'one day' and also after 'write'
I really liked this. Beautiful,
Best wishes, RGstar
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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What a beautiful little write. I loved the image. Though it is not, it reminded me of Monet.
I loved the feel of the whole thing from the beginning. It had the setting of something beautiful from the first line.
Reminds me a little of a Fable.
"And by the way," Bert said looking back at Mango. "Now that you are going to be a student, you have to learn not to use the word, ain't!"
I loved that...'ain't it'...ha,ha
''Going to school was much more fun than Mango expected. She was learning how to read [on] one day and how to write [on] the next. They all were learning about the sun and the moon. They even took field a trip to the woods''
IA little mistake above. Take away both the words 'on' in front of 'one day' and also after 'write'
I really liked this. Beautiful,
Best wishes, RGstar
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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I took care of the "on" issues. Not quite sure why, but I'm here to learn.
I appreciate your time and talent, thank you. John
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Best wishes, John
Comment from Aussie
Mrs. Snodwhimple (loved that name.) I thoroughly enjoyed your animal tales. I'm thinking that you could have put more learning into this - relevant to the particular animals? Of course, you are sending them all to school to learn what children do. Animals are different - I hope I have explained this well enough. Loved it, well done - blessings, K. I did vote for you!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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Mrs. Snodwhimple (loved that name.) I thoroughly enjoyed your animal tales. I'm thinking that you could have put more learning into this - relevant to the particular animals? Of course, you are sending them all to school to learn what children do. Animals are different - I hope I have explained this well enough. Loved it, well done - blessings, K. I did vote for you!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2013
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That's a fair point Kay. I appreciate it and will look at it further as I develop these two characters and more stories.
Awesome review Aussie. John
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You have the ability and you want to write about the animals - children would read about the things that young animals learn. Children learn to cope with their growing in school and would see a parallel. I think this has promise. Cheers, Kay XX