Sonnets
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "One Last Mile"A collection of sonnets
21 total reviews
Comment from Eleanor Buron
The poem is deep and disturbing which makes it memorable. Very good use of language. I have one question - did you mean to use "met" in the second to the last line? Should it be "when we meet in Hell" ? The poem shows originality and is well written.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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The poem is deep and disturbing which makes it memorable. Very good use of language. I have one question - did you mean to use "met" in the second to the last line? Should it be "when we meet in Hell" ? The poem shows originality and is well written.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2013
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thank you so much. I use 'met' in an old English sense. like "they were two fellows well met". part of the problem trying to remain in the structure. I can't add an extra syllable. rules!! ha! the subject matter is from my very first poem when I was twelve. cute kid huh. funny that I am more cheerful now that I am old. probably lost half my mind. at least it is the sour half! mike
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Mike, ;) Having a degree in English, I should have caught that. Sorry. Yes, I did think you wouldn't want another syllable but all the greats took liberties. Glad the sour slipped away!! You do seem cheerful and the world sure needs cheerful. ;)
Comment from teafor2
michaelcahill--Ominous title, graphic artwork and serious
author notes complement scribe's macabre story/poem. I love
reading sonnets, even the ones outside of the three iconic
forms. A small syntax nit in line #12:
"They're killing me, "though" (thought) they'd have killed that louse"
Your sonnet is in rhyming couplets which works quite well
for your resolution in the ending couplet. Moreover, it
also gives the piece a sense of finality. Well done, albeit
morbid. teafor2
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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michaelcahill--Ominous title, graphic artwork and serious
author notes complement scribe's macabre story/poem. I love
reading sonnets, even the ones outside of the three iconic
forms. A small syntax nit in line #12:
"They're killing me, "though" (thought) they'd have killed that louse"
Your sonnet is in rhyming couplets which works quite well
for your resolution in the ending couplet. Moreover, it
also gives the piece a sense of finality. Well done, albeit
morbid. teafor2
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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A lovely and encouraging review. That was the line I had the most difficulty with indeed. I was trying to say had they been in my shoes they would have done the same thing. This was taken from the first poem I ever wrote when I was twelve. Cute kid huh. I am new to this form so, I am picking off beat topics as I fear copying the examples in their wording and feel. Wonderful feedback. very much appreciated. thank you. mike
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U R welcome. Believe it or not I have four sonnets that I've written, but only one I have ever, posted. IMHO, they are the most challenging of the formal/restraining forms.
teafor2
Comment from RGstar
Woh...a little creative irony there Mike. All sums up with the meeting in hell.
Some great interactions there. Good words of thought.
You narrowed the poem down to reason without being too hurried because of the size of it.
A little line here to look at. Should that have been 'should have' instead of 'They'd have' I mean, surely you are not saying they would have killed him because he slept with the spouse? Or are you saying it was of the day where if he had reported the fact instead of killing,then the perpetrator would have been killed?
That line confused a little.
A good poem Mike , best wishes
''I killed the bastard, sleeping with my spouse
They're killing me, though they'd have killed that louse''
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Woh...a little creative irony there Mike. All sums up with the meeting in hell.
Some great interactions there. Good words of thought.
You narrowed the poem down to reason without being too hurried because of the size of it.
A little line here to look at. Should that have been 'should have' instead of 'They'd have' I mean, surely you are not saying they would have killed him because he slept with the spouse? Or are you saying it was of the day where if he had reported the fact instead of killing,then the perpetrator would have been killed?
That line confused a little.
A good poem Mike , best wishes
''I killed the bastard, sleeping with my spouse
They're killing me, though they'd have killed that louse''
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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I was trying to say that had they been in my situation they would have done the same thing. If they had found their wife with another man they would have killed him as well. This is a challenging form. In my usual free verse I could have chatted on endlessly. ha! Great points and review. Much thanks, mike
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you got it mike.
Comment from pattipac
You deserve a six for this one, Mike. Your story of revenge against a man sleeping withh your unfaithful wife is well penned in this poem. Well chosen word choice and rhyme-scheme make your poem flow.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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You deserve a six for this one, Mike. Your story of revenge against a man sleeping withh your unfaithful wife is well penned in this poem. Well chosen word choice and rhyme-scheme make your poem flow.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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How lovely to wake up to your wonderful words of praise. Thank you so much. This structure and rules business is rather difficult for my little free verse heart. But, I worked very hard on this and I am so delighted you feel it worthy. huge silly smiles, mike
Comment from tbacha58
How shall I greet thee, friend, when met in hell?
Hugs, when my wife is dead and joins as well!
This poem is an everyday mystery. Its very well written, lots of ugly feelings, sorrow, unhappiness, maybe regret to. Terry
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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How shall I greet thee, friend, when met in hell?
Hugs, when my wife is dead and joins as well!
This poem is an everyday mystery. Its very well written, lots of ugly feelings, sorrow, unhappiness, maybe regret to. Terry
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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thoughtful points. most appreciated, mike
Comment from steevie
Interesting how a guy will kill another guy for sleeping with his wife. To me, the wife is the one who is bound by the marriage contract. They should put HER in the electric hair!
steve
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Interesting how a guy will kill another guy for sleeping with his wife. To me, the wife is the one who is bound by the marriage contract. They should put HER in the electric hair!
steve
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Yes, you are correct on that point. Personally, I would just laugh and walk away. great points! mike
Comment from kiwisteveh
Mike, I liked the first two stanzas of your sonnet - they were suitably dark and revealed the thoughts of the condemned man with strong language.
However, I felt you lost your way a little after that, reverting to more colloquial language. The 'plush cushions' line seems out of place and certainly ruins the dark mood.
Finally, there is no real clue who the friend is that you address in the final couplet - I can only deduce it is the man you murdered and the three-way hug with your wife seems grotesque to say the least.
Steve
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reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Mike, I liked the first two stanzas of your sonnet - they were suitably dark and revealed the thoughts of the condemned man with strong language.
However, I felt you lost your way a little after that, reverting to more colloquial language. The 'plush cushions' line seems out of place and certainly ruins the dark mood.
Finally, there is no real clue who the friend is that you address in the final couplet - I can only deduce it is the man you murdered and the three-way hug with your wife seems grotesque to say the least.
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Excellent observations. I think you have hit it on the head as I try and learn this difficult for. Had this been my usual free verse I could have rambled on about the 'friend'. But, here I am forced to make it clear within the structure provided. You are correct, it is the man. However, it would be more effective if you didn't have to pause to figure that out. The plush cushion line was an attempt at sarcasm referring to the electric chair. As a musician it is interesting to note that most of my songs are indeed iambic pentameter. What is amusing is that to make it fit we music makers just bend the words. "You-ou-ou." Doesn't work in a sonnet. ha! much appreciated input. thank you, mike
Comment from country ranch writer
ONE MUST PAY FOR THE DEED HE DONE EVEN IF IT WAS MURDER FOR HER CHEATING WITH THE GUY YOU KILLED. LAW WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND IT IS NOT IN YOUR FAVOR I AM AFRAID TO SAY
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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ONE MUST PAY FOR THE DEED HE DONE EVEN IF IT WAS MURDER FOR HER CHEATING WITH THE GUY YOU KILLED. LAW WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND IT IS NOT IN YOUR FAVOR I AM AFRAID TO SAY
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Definitely didn't work out this time. haha! It's gonna get a bit warm I am afraid. mike
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HE HE WARM UP THE FRYER
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Unusual subject for a sonnet, so it definitely got my attention and kept it. The last line with "Hugs" made me think more of a woman speaker and not a man, however. The phrase 'wretched handless grasp' was strong.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Unusual subject for a sonnet, so it definitely got my attention and kept it. The last line with "Hugs" made me think more of a woman speaker and not a man, however. The phrase 'wretched handless grasp' was strong.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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You know us guys get pretty sweet when we get old and all our testosterone is gone. hahaha. Glad you liked it. I took the first poem I wrote when I was twelve years old and worked with it until it was a sonnet. Trying not to copy the styles I am reading trying to learn the form. thus the strange subject matter. mike
Comment from CR Delport
I think that must be a terrible walk. How do you prepare yourself for something like that? Eating your last meal, walking your last walk. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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I think that must be a terrible walk. How do you prepare yourself for something like that? Eating your last meal, walking your last walk. This is very well written.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2013
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Thank you. I took the very first poem I wrote when I was twelve and started working it into a sonnet. What a morbid little kid huh? Anyway, too many lovey dovey sonnets out there. glad you liked it. mike
