Escape
haibun20 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm with you. A few years before my parents retired they bought 120 acres out in the middle of nowhere. They were tired of the ratrace. I completely understand. It's so quiet there. I enjoyed reading your Haibun. I wish I had a six for it. ******
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I'm with you. A few years before my parents retired they bought 120 acres out in the middle of nowhere. They were tired of the ratrace. I completely understand. It's so quiet there. I enjoyed reading your Haibun. I wish I had a six for it. ******
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much, my friend~Debbie
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Debbie,
You did a great job with this, taking us from the litter and concrete of the city to a cabin in the country. I'd like to suggest that you add a few little words to make the reading smoother, as fuller sentences seem to be permissible in this type of haibun. I think that bringing yourself into it would help, too:
Miles of city life lie before free-growing, lush countryside (is) found.
Car parked to walk (could be: I park the car and walk) the last quarter mile, supplies in backpack.
Cabin door creaks as opened, too long since has been used. (Could be: Cabin door creaks; too long since it has been opened.)
Do you think your haiku could stand alone? Try to picture them being used in a haiku contest. Would they work?
I hope this helps. I'm still busy working on mine!
Hugs,
Lois
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hi Debbie,
You did a great job with this, taking us from the litter and concrete of the city to a cabin in the country. I'd like to suggest that you add a few little words to make the reading smoother, as fuller sentences seem to be permissible in this type of haibun. I think that bringing yourself into it would help, too:
Miles of city life lie before free-growing, lush countryside (is) found.
Car parked to walk (could be: I park the car and walk) the last quarter mile, supplies in backpack.
Cabin door creaks as opened, too long since has been used. (Could be: Cabin door creaks; too long since it has been opened.)
Do you think your haiku could stand alone? Try to picture them being used in a haiku contest. Would they work?
I hope this helps. I'm still busy working on mine!
Hugs,
Lois
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thanks so much for your suggestions. I will probably make some changes after everyone has reviewed it. Looking forward to reading yours~Debbie
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Debbie,
looks like the perfect place to escape to... You have progressed wonderfully through the setting up of the story with your prose and then your interpretive haiku's to paint the picture, and you did that very nicely indeed... I must say a very clever construction.
Kindest thoughts,
James xx
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hi Debbie,
looks like the perfect place to escape to... You have progressed wonderfully through the setting up of the story with your prose and then your interpretive haiku's to paint the picture, and you did that very nicely indeed... I must say a very clever construction.
Kindest thoughts,
James xx
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I had always planned to move to a cabin by a lake after retiring. It is still fun to think about.Thank you so very much, my friend~Debbie xx
Comment from Brocha1
I think the combination of poem and prose is very effective although a little distracting. You draw us in with pictures painted by your words but I lost it in the prose.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I think the combination of poem and prose is very effective although a little distracting. You draw us in with pictures painted by your words but I lost it in the prose.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much~Debbie
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I thought your haibun showed up a wonderful contrast between city and country. I think haibun would be the best way to present this piece. The title and all three Haiku add to the piece. You certainly had a transition from city to country in the drive, not sure if it is exactly chronological. Still a beautiful piece of writing, Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I thought your haibun showed up a wonderful contrast between city and country. I think haibun would be the best way to present this piece. The title and all three Haiku add to the piece. You certainly had a transition from city to country in the drive, not sure if it is exactly chronological. Still a beautiful piece of writing, Giddy
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much for the lovely review, Giddy~Debbie
Comment from rhonny
I've never seen a haibun so don't know if your poem is within the requirements, but the lines flow nicely with forced rhymes, and tell us a gentle story.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I've never seen a haibun so don't know if your poem is within the requirements, but the lines flow nicely with forced rhymes, and tell us a gentle story.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much~Debbie
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:O)
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Honey, I'm not sure I could suggest much. I'm ready to pack my bag and take a vacation to this wonderful sounding paradise. Good job. God loves you and I do too.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Honey, I'm not sure I could suggest much. I'm ready to pack my bag and take a vacation to this wonderful sounding paradise. Good job. God loves you and I do too.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you, Evelyn. Have a blessed day~Debbie
Comment from barkingdog
You did a very nice job combining poetic prose with its alliterations and the succinct haiku form to describe this quaint country scene.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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You did a very nice job combining poetic prose with its alliterations and the succinct haiku form to describe this quaint country scene.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much~Debbie
Comment from The Death
Hello
It is a beautiful Haibun and prose and haiku parts are written really well,but I liked the haikus most.
I specially liked the second haiku.
If you wish,you can add 'rampant' in the first line of first haiku.
there is concrete imagery and these capture the moments really well.
you did an excellent work.
Regards
Shar-A
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reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hello
It is a beautiful Haibun and prose and haiku parts are written really well,but I liked the haikus most.
I specially liked the second haiku.
If you wish,you can add 'rampant' in the first line of first haiku.
there is concrete imagery and these capture the moments really well.
you did an excellent work.
Regards
Shar-A
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much~Debbie
Comment from alexgeorge
Beautiful. Well, no need to tell you which of the three settings I enjoy the most. It's a healing process for the soul when we get away from the Man Jungle. It makes you wonder, wouldn't it have been better if we were not so inventive, if we had stayed in the animal kingdom? Oh that Eve, she just had to pick that fruit from the Tree of Knowledge!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Beautiful. Well, no need to tell you which of the three settings I enjoy the most. It's a healing process for the soul when we get away from the Man Jungle. It makes you wonder, wouldn't it have been better if we were not so inventive, if we had stayed in the animal kingdom? Oh that Eve, she just had to pick that fruit from the Tree of Knowledge!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much~Debbie