The Macadoo's
Boy finds something weird in neighbor's basement.26 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I loved all those shows you mention in your author's notes :-)
You grab my attention well with our opening
oh, I love the closing with the scratching of the preserved finger :-)
What a creepy story. I like that you provide enough background of the boys that the story sounds very realistic.
I loved the conversation about how it was their civic duty to break into this woman's house. LOL :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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I loved all those shows you mention in your author's notes :-)
You grab my attention well with our opening
oh, I love the closing with the scratching of the preserved finger :-)
What a creepy story. I like that you provide enough background of the boys that the story sounds very realistic.
I loved the conversation about how it was their civic duty to break into this woman's house. LOL :-) Brooke
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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I have met a lot of civic minded people over the years. It's always for the benefit of others that they do their mischief. Thank you for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Gretchen,
The story had me riveted from the beginning, and it kept me there to the end. It has great suspense and a novel plot, especially since you insist it is true. It is well told.
If someone was in [the] there making bombs the racket he made would have brought them running.
Curtis
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Gretchen,
The story had me riveted from the beginning, and it kept me there to the end. It has great suspense and a novel plot, especially since you insist it is true. It is well told.
If someone was in [the] there making bombs the racket he made would have brought them running.
Curtis
Comment Written 15-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you for catching the mistake. No matter how many times I proof something, I always manage to miss at least one thing. Thank you for the wonderful review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
YES THIS IS WELL WRITTEN MY FRIEND YOU BUILD THE SUSPENSE UP WELL IN THE STORY KEEPING THE READER ENGROSSED WANTING TO READ MORE I ENJOYED WELL DONE REGARDS JILL
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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YES THIS IS WELL WRITTEN MY FRIEND YOU BUILD THE SUSPENSE UP WELL IN THE STORY KEEPING THE READER ENGROSSED WANTING TO READ MORE I ENJOYED WELL DONE REGARDS JILL
Comment Written 15-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the exciting review and the compliments. I appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from GaryCecil
As far as a story goes you have something here. The ending is easily the best part and congrats for that! Below are some improvements to take into consideration. They are mostly about telling too much. Exposition is important in narrative, but as you know, readers need to be able to figure it out for themselves. I think you are handy and the story is good. That is why I gave you 4 stars! Congrats and keep on writing!
It all started one morning in late June. "It all started" is overused in stories.
She didn't see us, but it was impossible to miss her. - this is already assumed by a vivid description of her outfit.
Buzz was the first one to bring Macadoo up. He looked at me and scratched his head. - too much exposition. You could have started with the dialouge for a better reading flow.
If someone was in the there making bombs the racket he made would have brought them running - too much exposition. Maybe turn this line into an internal thought, but the reader already knows this by what you said before this line. There is no need to explain.
If Mr. Macadoo was making bombs or anything out of the ordinary, he wasn't doing it in his basement. - the next line paints the picture for us to assume he is making bombs this exposition is not needed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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As far as a story goes you have something here. The ending is easily the best part and congrats for that! Below are some improvements to take into consideration. They are mostly about telling too much. Exposition is important in narrative, but as you know, readers need to be able to figure it out for themselves. I think you are handy and the story is good. That is why I gave you 4 stars! Congrats and keep on writing!
It all started one morning in late June. "It all started" is overused in stories.
She didn't see us, but it was impossible to miss her. - this is already assumed by a vivid description of her outfit.
Buzz was the first one to bring Macadoo up. He looked at me and scratched his head. - too much exposition. You could have started with the dialouge for a better reading flow.
If someone was in the there making bombs the racket he made would have brought them running - too much exposition. Maybe turn this line into an internal thought, but the reader already knows this by what you said before this line. There is no need to explain.
If Mr. Macadoo was making bombs or anything out of the ordinary, he wasn't doing it in his basement. - the next line paints the picture for us to assume he is making bombs this exposition is not needed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you very much for the thorough and exciting review. I appreciate the time and the detailed help. Gretchen
Comment from alexgeorge
Wow! You built up the tension, then when Ricky took th eplunge and entered the basement I was really worried for him. And the footsteps coming down to the basement didn't help to aleviate my stress either.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Wow! You built up the tension, then when Ricky took th eplunge and entered the basement I was really worried for him. And the footsteps coming down to the basement didn't help to aleviate my stress either.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the great review. That's what I like about writing fiction. My characters can do the things I wouldn't dream of doing. Thank you for the exciting review. Gretchen
Comment from Bill Schott
Bizarre! This is a spooky and creep-tastic story that has a lot of the chilling parts that keep the reader on edge. I like the initial mystery, the discovery, the scary idea of being caught by nutty Mrs. Macadoo, and the eerie idea of cutting off a finger. Grizzly and fun.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Bizarre! This is a spooky and creep-tastic story that has a lot of the chilling parts that keep the reader on edge. I like the initial mystery, the discovery, the scary idea of being caught by nutty Mrs. Macadoo, and the eerie idea of cutting off a finger. Grizzly and fun.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the incredibly detailed review. I appreciate the time and the stellar rating. Gretchen
Comment from Misrael
That was a very disturbing, gross and ghastly story and most definitely sickening. But it could be much worse I am sure. Most definitely a thriller and horror story. Good read and keep on writing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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That was a very disturbing, gross and ghastly story and most definitely sickening. But it could be much worse I am sure. Most definitely a thriller and horror story. Good read and keep on writing.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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I tried to keep the gratuitous guts and gore out and use the macabre fascination as a point of entry. Hope it wasn't too sickening. Gretchen
Comment from Titanx9
This certainly is creepy, right out of Rod Sterling's "Twilight Zone. I'm sure there have been documented cases of mummified bodies, housed in basements of "so-called" sane folks - LOL. This is an enjoyable read with just enough of a punch to make it a little scary. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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This certainly is creepy, right out of Rod Sterling's "Twilight Zone. I'm sure there have been documented cases of mummified bodies, housed in basements of "so-called" sane folks - LOL. This is an enjoyable read with just enough of a punch to make it a little scary. Nicely done!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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I didn't want to gross anyone out, just give them that slight uncomfortable feeling. Thank you for the validating review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from Dean Kuch
What a delightfully ghoulish terror tid-bit, GWHARGIS! Maybe Ricky should have old Mr. Macadoo if he needed a hand? On second thought, that probably woulda' been a bad idea.
This story did read like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes I was so fond of in the mid to late sixties. Today, it would make an outstanding episode of RL Stein's GOOSEBUMPS TV series. I watch it pretty regularly. I know, I'm no kid, but I have the heart of one still.
The story itself was good, suspenseful where it needed to be, shocking when it had to be. The tension really began to build as Ricky, prompted by his nosey brother, coaxed him into going into the Macadoo residence through the open basement window. Then, as he pulled the sheet off of whatever 'project' Mr. or Mrs Macadoo may have been working on down there. I won't reveal any spoilers, but I thought it was a coffin with Mr. Macadoo's dead body inside. I was pleasantly proven wrong.
Outstanding horror story. It should have be entered in the Horror/Thriller contest. There's still time...
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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What a delightfully ghoulish terror tid-bit, GWHARGIS! Maybe Ricky should have old Mr. Macadoo if he needed a hand? On second thought, that probably woulda' been a bad idea.
This story did read like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes I was so fond of in the mid to late sixties. Today, it would make an outstanding episode of RL Stein's GOOSEBUMPS TV series. I watch it pretty regularly. I know, I'm no kid, but I have the heart of one still.
The story itself was good, suspenseful where it needed to be, shocking when it had to be. The tension really began to build as Ricky, prompted by his nosey brother, coaxed him into going into the Macadoo residence through the open basement window. Then, as he pulled the sheet off of whatever 'project' Mr. or Mrs Macadoo may have been working on down there. I won't reveal any spoilers, but I thought it was a coffin with Mr. Macadoo's dead body inside. I was pleasantly proven wrong.
Outstanding horror story. It should have be entered in the Horror/Thriller contest. There's still time...
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Hey, who am I to judge. I'm a fifty one year old woman who usually writes from the POV of a young male. LOL. Haven't see Goose Bumps in a couple of years. thank you for the high praise and detailed review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Hahaha. That was a good story! I think the ending was
just what the story needed Gretchen. You do have a talent for writing.I was so afraid he would get caught. I can't imagine a woman doing something like that LOL Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Hahaha. That was a good story! I think the ending was
just what the story needed Gretchen. You do have a talent for writing.I was so afraid he would get caught. I can't imagine a woman doing something like that LOL Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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I thought it best not to delve in to the why's of it and just let the reader enjoy the ride. thank you for the great review. Gretchen