Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Life Goes On"A Boy's Story of the rural South
43 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. What a sad section of your story. Well written as usual by you. I do have a coupla suggestions if you don't mind though:
" to just get on up without it" (leave out the word "on", bill.
And I didn't care for the transition here when you were told Virge was dead. Needs to be some reaction expressed, I think, Bill.
"friend Virge is dead."
School was in session, so my parents decided that Mom would stay home with the baby and my two brothers. Dad and I would go to Georgia for the funeral. Mom had to give me my older brother John's 'go to stuff' suit. I had outgrown mine. We packed up and headed to Georgia...."
Hope you see what I mean, my friend. Good job overall. Bob
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Hi, Bill. What a sad section of your story. Well written as usual by you. I do have a coupla suggestions if you don't mind though:
" to just get on up without it" (leave out the word "on", bill.
And I didn't care for the transition here when you were told Virge was dead. Needs to be some reaction expressed, I think, Bill.
"friend Virge is dead."
School was in session, so my parents decided that Mom would stay home with the baby and my two brothers. Dad and I would go to Georgia for the funeral. Mom had to give me my older brother John's 'go to stuff' suit. I had outgrown mine. We packed up and headed to Georgia...."
Hope you see what I mean, my friend. Good job overall. Bob
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading Bob and for your suggestions. Regards, Bill
Comment from JM daSilva
Losing someone you love is very hard, I told you before that I met someone like Virge and I also can never forget him. As long as I live, he'll be alive in my mind.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Losing someone you love is very hard, I told you before that I met someone like Virge and I also can never forget him. As long as I live, he'll be alive in my mind.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2013
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Thanks JM. You should incorporate your friend in a story. Regards, Bill
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I will. Thanks.
Comment from kiwijenny
This wonderful story deserves a six... I was enthralled.... I could read Rabbits thoughts all day long.I laughed when he batted his eyes , I smiled at the sugar butts reference....it was sad that his grandparents did not think they could go to his funeral... Strange society ...different times.
God bless for this
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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This wonderful story deserves a six... I was enthralled.... I could read Rabbits thoughts all day long.I laughed when he batted his eyes , I smiled at the sugar butts reference....it was sad that his grandparents did not think they could go to his funeral... Strange society ...different times.
God bless for this
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thanks KJ, first for reading and your kind comments. The nuance of racism is intentional. It's such a complex issue, but one that I lived through. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from jjstar
What a beautiful story. The poignancy and humor with which the story is told adds to the already wonderful pictures I've conjured as I've imagined each of the character and setting. Just an excellent write. :)I love that the story is told from this child's point of view. There are so many lessons that we learn from this pov..it makes for wonderful emotional connections throughout the story. Great job!
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Comments/suggestions
the new day is announced by my father yelling up the stairs, ===to stay in the tense this should be the new day was announced..
or...Now that I am home in Alabama..either one would fix this little issue..
I looked up as Virge's niece,(insert comma)
think about you though and with a big old smile.====I'd be tempted to reword this...I do think about you with a big old smile though...
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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What a beautiful story. The poignancy and humor with which the story is told adds to the already wonderful pictures I've conjured as I've imagined each of the character and setting. Just an excellent write. :)I love that the story is told from this child's point of view. There are so many lessons that we learn from this pov..it makes for wonderful emotional connections throughout the story. Great job!
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Comments/suggestions
the new day is announced by my father yelling up the stairs, ===to stay in the tense this should be the new day was announced..
or...Now that I am home in Alabama..either one would fix this little issue..
I looked up as Virge's niece,(insert comma)
think about you though and with a big old smile.====I'd be tempted to reword this...I do think about you with a big old smile though...
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thanks for reading, but special thanks for reaching out to help. I made most changes, some were more style. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from W. E. Turner
Excellent chapter. Never having read any of this novel, I went through and read the first six or seven chapters before attempting to review this one.
I think you have a very fine book on your hands here and I hope you get good readership for it.
Though I really hate to criticize the basic precepts of this work, I do seem to find the language used by Virge quite inconsistent in delivery. I know you are trying to portray him as not being terribly well-educated (after all, not learning to read until you are well past sixty indicates one is not exactly a Rhodes Scholar) but I do think Virge would at least know the difference, in the written language at least, between "dem" (as you have him writing twice in the note to Rabbit) and the correct spelling of "them" even if the correct structure of the remainder of the sentence is lacking. He may well have pronounced the word as "dem" in speaking, but I don't really believe he would write it that way.
I do not profess to be any type of expert in the writing of dialect, but I do have some practice in its usage (as you might notice in some of my work) and I know how difficult it is sometimes to try to convey an untutored POV in language. Sometimes you have to really work hard at it to get the point across that although someone may have a great deal of native intelligence (like Virge does) he may well sound, when speaking, as though he is not well educated.
But all together, I really like the whole concept of Virge helping to educate young Rabbit in the ways of the world and appreciate the subtle way you have brought out some of the problems of modern race relations among people living in the southern portions of the United States.
Good luck with your tale and I hope to read more chapters if it in the coming weeks.
W. E. (Wayne) Turner
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Excellent chapter. Never having read any of this novel, I went through and read the first six or seven chapters before attempting to review this one.
I think you have a very fine book on your hands here and I hope you get good readership for it.
Though I really hate to criticize the basic precepts of this work, I do seem to find the language used by Virge quite inconsistent in delivery. I know you are trying to portray him as not being terribly well-educated (after all, not learning to read until you are well past sixty indicates one is not exactly a Rhodes Scholar) but I do think Virge would at least know the difference, in the written language at least, between "dem" (as you have him writing twice in the note to Rabbit) and the correct spelling of "them" even if the correct structure of the remainder of the sentence is lacking. He may well have pronounced the word as "dem" in speaking, but I don't really believe he would write it that way.
I do not profess to be any type of expert in the writing of dialect, but I do have some practice in its usage (as you might notice in some of my work) and I know how difficult it is sometimes to try to convey an untutored POV in language. Sometimes you have to really work hard at it to get the point across that although someone may have a great deal of native intelligence (like Virge does) he may well sound, when speaking, as though he is not well educated.
But all together, I really like the whole concept of Virge helping to educate young Rabbit in the ways of the world and appreciate the subtle way you have brought out some of the problems of modern race relations among people living in the southern portions of the United States.
Good luck with your tale and I hope to read more chapters if it in the coming weeks.
W. E. (Wayne) Turner
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Hi Wayne - thank you so much for reading and your recommendations. I certainly can't argue with them. Dialect for sure, but the written word does need to be consistent. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
Wonderful stuff, Bill. How lucky you were to have such a man in your life.
This is told with so much sincerity, such observations on human behaviour, that no reader could fail to be moved. There is a great feeling of natural goodness about your family; it's powerful stuff.
You write with just enough sentiment to bring a lump to the throat, but never stray into the dangerous territory of sickliness. It really is well done.
A couple of places where I think the chapter could do with a minor tweak, but I can't bring myself to drop below a 5.
Near the beginning, I believe it should be "Now I AM home in Alabama".
In the para about Carolyn, I don't think you need the second "my sister". You have just mentioned your sister, so I think it would be self evident who Carolyn is.
After the lines of the hymn, no apostrophe needed in "lots".
A terrific read, Bill.
Best wishes
Sally
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Wonderful stuff, Bill. How lucky you were to have such a man in your life.
This is told with so much sincerity, such observations on human behaviour, that no reader could fail to be moved. There is a great feeling of natural goodness about your family; it's powerful stuff.
You write with just enough sentiment to bring a lump to the throat, but never stray into the dangerous territory of sickliness. It really is well done.
A couple of places where I think the chapter could do with a minor tweak, but I can't bring myself to drop below a 5.
Near the beginning, I believe it should be "Now I AM home in Alabama".
In the para about Carolyn, I don't think you need the second "my sister". You have just mentioned your sister, so I think it would be self evident who Carolyn is.
After the lines of the hymn, no apostrophe needed in "lots".
A terrific read, Bill.
Best wishes
Sally
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thanks Sal - I'm always glad when you drop by and your willingness to help. Bill
Comment from JW
This is a well written chapter, though it is quite sad. While reading it I could easily picture the scene before me, and before I knew it, my eyes had dampened.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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This is a well written chapter, though it is quite sad. While reading it I could easily picture the scene before me, and before I knew it, my eyes had dampened.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Hi Jonathan - what a compliement! If my writing affects my reader, hopefully I'm doing something right. Bill
Comment from Bobby Jo
I loved this story, I'm assuming it is non-fiction. I would love to go back and read what you wrote. I'm writing a novel called; Hoof Prints of the Heart. It is about a young girl's love for horses, and her relationship with her family, especially a beloved uncle. I would invite you to read my story. I see a lot of similarities in our writing. The first chapter is called: Respect for all Life, and the second chapter is called: Life's Lessons. The poem that goes along with this book is called: My First True Love.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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I loved this story, I'm assuming it is non-fiction. I would love to go back and read what you wrote. I'm writing a novel called; Hoof Prints of the Heart. It is about a young girl's love for horses, and her relationship with her family, especially a beloved uncle. I would invite you to read my story. I see a lot of similarities in our writing. The first chapter is called: Respect for all Life, and the second chapter is called: Life's Lessons. The poem that goes along with this book is called: My First True Love.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Hi Bobby Jo - written as fiction, but full of all sorts of true background. I will circle back to your story. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
I swear if I could give you two sixes I would. Of all the novels and stories I have read on this site, none have moved me more than the voice of Rabbit. I have laughed, cried and learned about life along with this character. I have definitely cried throughout this chapter. This was a remarkable story and I definitely think you should pursue getting published. Nice work.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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I swear if I could give you two sixes I would. Of all the novels and stories I have read on this site, none have moved me more than the voice of Rabbit. I have laughed, cried and learned about life along with this character. I have definitely cried throughout this chapter. This was a remarkable story and I definitely think you should pursue getting published. Nice work.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you for your wonderful compliments! I am definitely interested in getting this published. A bit of a push in that it is more of a Novella, but who knows. Maybe we could collaborate with some of your work which is wonderful! Are you tired of the rain in the OBX? Warm regards, Bill
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It was a nice one today but who knows when the next storm will be. Here on the coast a storm can hit at any moment. Would love to collaborate here on the site. Hopefully it wouldn't be too complicated.
Comment from GaryCecil
I agree with others that have said you write from the heart. Writing from the heart is easy to find because its easy to read. When you take something as complicated as a story and make it feel effortless to the reader then you win! You sir have won! He did have a pretty good ride!
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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I agree with others that have said you write from the heart. Writing from the heart is easy to find because its easy to read. When you take something as complicated as a story and make it feel effortless to the reader then you win! You sir have won! He did have a pretty good ride!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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Thank you Gary, what a wonderful compliment. Much appreciated! Bill
