Short
Viewing comments for Chapter 75 "Wombs"Shorter stories
24 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Elizabeth Williams
A very good depiction of a horribly wrong mechanical and impersonal way of handling abortions, no matter the stages of pregnancy. I find the use of repetition to be quite effective.
The end is quite surprising too.
Great job!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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A very good depiction of a horribly wrong mechanical and impersonal way of handling abortions, no matter the stages of pregnancy. I find the use of repetition to be quite effective.
The end is quite surprising too.
Great job!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Sandra
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
helping a Nigerian king reclaim his money <-- Haha... some things never change!
This is superb, Bill. A bit hard to follow with all the techie talk, but that's only because I'm not familiar with it. The idea is super clever and you carried it out beautifully.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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helping a Nigerian king reclaim his money <-- Haha... some things never change!
This is superb, Bill. A bit hard to follow with all the techie talk, but that's only because I'm not familiar with it. The idea is super clever and you carried it out beautifully.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Phyllis. I?m shaking out some prior work to assemble an anthology.
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I did that with some short stories too. The book is ready to go. I'm just too lazy to publish it. :)
Comment from jenintorre
Bill you have an exceptional mind. This is the longest story That I have ever read on this site as my attention span is crap but I found this story fascinating and had to read on.
I loved the contrast between the day job and the leisure time. Very clever. Love Jen.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Bill you have an exceptional mind. This is the longest story That I have ever read on this site as my attention span is crap but I found this story fascinating and had to read on.
I loved the contrast between the day job and the leisure time. Very clever. Love Jen.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thanks, Jen. I hope you noted that neither worker ever really left for vacation.
Comment from Eric J. Hildeman
Brilliant! And disturbingly plausible. This may be the first post-singularity sci-fi short story I've read that depicts a true dystopia. Very nicely done!
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Brilliant! And disturbingly plausible. This may be the first post-singularity sci-fi short story I've read that depicts a true dystopia. Very nicely done!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Thank you for your extremely kind and generous review. I tried to keep this short so readers could reread it a couple of times. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from Linda Lee
Though a bit frightening, and more than a little jargon laden, I really enjoyed this piece in a bizarre way.
The couple of areas I think you may want to consider to tighten this up a tad are as follows:
After reading your authors note (when I concluded reading the piece), I get that you are going for painting the picture of monotony with all voluminous technical jargon. However as a reader, it may be too much. I had trouble latching onto so much of it from the get-go. Mostly because I didn't understand it and I wasn't yet anchored to it within the narrative.
I understand the setting is sort of sci-fi, fantasy, but just a few little lines to anchor the reader within the setting would go a long way.
The repetition was a little off putting at first until I copped on that this was the gist of the piece. You might want to consider shortening it a tad. The same effect would be accomplished by giving the reader just enough to know it's a repeat, but not so much that they have to wade through the exact same text until they get to the reveal of 427.
Lastly, I think the transitions from clinical environment to cruise, both times you include it, needs work. Again, it's just something that will keep the reader in the flow without getting confused about the settting suddenly changing.
Overall, an interesting read. I liked it. Good luck!
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Though a bit frightening, and more than a little jargon laden, I really enjoyed this piece in a bizarre way.
The couple of areas I think you may want to consider to tighten this up a tad are as follows:
After reading your authors note (when I concluded reading the piece), I get that you are going for painting the picture of monotony with all voluminous technical jargon. However as a reader, it may be too much. I had trouble latching onto so much of it from the get-go. Mostly because I didn't understand it and I wasn't yet anchored to it within the narrative.
I understand the setting is sort of sci-fi, fantasy, but just a few little lines to anchor the reader within the setting would go a long way.
The repetition was a little off putting at first until I copped on that this was the gist of the piece. You might want to consider shortening it a tad. The same effect would be accomplished by giving the reader just enough to know it's a repeat, but not so much that they have to wade through the exact same text until they get to the reveal of 427.
Lastly, I think the transitions from clinical environment to cruise, both times you include it, needs work. Again, it's just something that will keep the reader in the flow without getting confused about the settting suddenly changing.
Overall, an interesting read. I liked it. Good luck!
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for reviewing and for the insight and suggestions. I agree that the repetition is straining. I had hoped the exact details of both vacations would send the message that she never went anywhere, probably has no family, and is only being fed a life from someone else's memories. That's why there's a quick shift between the thoughts and the actions. Thanks again for reviewing. Bill
Comment from Child of the King
Wow--love your imagination! This was great and by the time I read through the repetitions I felt like I was capable of doing the job. Ha ha Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Wow--love your imagination! This was great and by the time I read through the repetitions I felt like I was capable of doing the job. Ha ha Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for your thoughtful, generous, and encouraging review.
Comment from kra-z-ka-z
This an awesome story! The concept took real imagination! I read it three times, but I must admit that the second time was needed to clarify the Eve/Dawn replacement thing. Once I got with the program, I read it again...Just for fun!
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2013
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This an awesome story! The concept took real imagination! I read it three times, but I must admit that the second time was needed to clarify the Eve/Dawn replacement thing. Once I got with the program, I read it again...Just for fun!
Comment Written 20-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much for reviewing and giving it a second read (and third). I'd hoped that it was short enough to encourage a second run through. Thank you also for the fantastic review.
Comment from jetmichelle
Wow that was really eery how detached it all seemed. Another day another dollar. No joy in birth or any of that just business. Good luck on the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2013
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Wow that was really eery how detached it all seemed. Another day another dollar. No joy in birth or any of that just business. Good luck on the contest.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for the thoughtful and encouraging review.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Bill, I worked at Frito Lay stapling coupons manually to all the frito bags...lol...this kinda reminded me of that job. I like the way you've used words to created the emotive repetition of the piece. I was a little confused by the idea of Eve vs Dawn, but overall this was a fine story! Nice work! xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2013
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Hi Bill, I worked at Frito Lay stapling coupons manually to all the frito bags...lol...this kinda reminded me of that job. I like the way you've used words to created the emotive repetition of the piece. I was a little confused by the idea of Eve vs Dawn, but overall this was a fine story! Nice work! xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 17-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2013
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Thank you for reviewing this. I guess the shift from one 'womb worker' to another was too abrupt. The idea was they are both (all) being fed the same sense of living. Eve (before) Dawn (new). I kept it short to allow a reread and to keep the repetition down.
Comment from Macsween
I liked this story. It was written well was certainly a dystopian nightmare but I found myself drifting at parts. It also switched from a character called Eve to one called Dawn.
I fully understand that one of the main points was the monotony of it all and you have certainly created that feeling.
Maybe you could take a couple of the repetitive paragraphs out and put a bit of backstory in. It doesn't have to be much, even just a couple of lines explaining how and why this situation was happening. That might stop people from drifting because it is a very good idea and very nightmarish.
Writing is subjective of course so you should go with what you feel.
Good luck in the contest. I did find this to be a great idea.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2013
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I liked this story. It was written well was certainly a dystopian nightmare but I found myself drifting at parts. It also switched from a character called Eve to one called Dawn.
I fully understand that one of the main points was the monotony of it all and you have certainly created that feeling.
Maybe you could take a couple of the repetitive paragraphs out and put a bit of backstory in. It doesn't have to be much, even just a couple of lines explaining how and why this situation was happening. That might stop people from drifting because it is a very good idea and very nightmarish.
Writing is subjective of course so you should go with what you feel.
Good luck in the contest. I did find this to be a great idea.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2013
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Thank you for reviewing this. I know what you're saying and I have actually removed some repetition that was meant to prove an idea, but, as you said, created a drift factor. I was hoping that the brevity of the piece (2000 words) would ease the pain. Thanks for the suggestions.