My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 74 "Survivor"All of my poems of release.
18 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
powerful use of alliteration throughout
Vivid detail that is unsparing and creates tone in a compelling way
I like the way each stanza ends in a rhyming word
effective progression of emotion from the bleak to the hopeful and life affirming :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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powerful use of alliteration throughout
Vivid detail that is unsparing and creates tone in a compelling way
I like the way each stanza ends in a rhyming word
effective progression of emotion from the bleak to the hopeful and life affirming :-) Brooke
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much Brooke, brilliant review as always.
I have put a picture up on Perfect Day - Free Verse of my daughters wedding. I don't need a review just take a peek at my pride and joy, both of them infact. :) Jaq xx
Comment from PoeticXscape
Everything about this poem is great the wording, the font and background colour and the picture. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Everything about this poem is great the wording, the font and background colour and the picture. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thanks for a great review and rating PX, much appreciated :) Jaq xx
Comment from angelmagnet
Well Done - you come back from the ruins of love gone bad and turn into a Phoenix rising from the ashes of your poetry. This poem says more in its entirety then each of its words. Good job thanks for sharing
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reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Well Done - you come back from the ruins of love gone bad and turn into a Phoenix rising from the ashes of your poetry. This poem says more in its entirety then each of its words. Good job thanks for sharing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much angel for your review :) Jaq x
Comment from Papabearua
A marvelous poem about victory over inner turmoil. The ending stanza rhyme works very well and the alliteration throughout the poem keeps the reader's attention.
The reference to the Phoenix shows the start of a new beginning.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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A marvelous poem about victory over inner turmoil. The ending stanza rhyme works very well and the alliteration throughout the poem keeps the reader's attention.
The reference to the Phoenix shows the start of a new beginning.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thanks Papa, that's exactly what it is, a new beginning. :) Jaq xx
Comment from rama devi
second review
Yes! :)
First review (FOUR stars)
Oh, I love the form with the fine alliteration and same end rhyme on the end of each stanza. Very expressive emotional over tones and fine imagery. It's not easy to give a fresh sin on the phoenix imagery, and you have succeeded! Bravo!
I found the punctuation choices distracting because they were inconsistent and also because the abundance of line breaks already shape and sculpt the phrasing so the commas seems to clutter (my opinion).
The reason for a four star rating is the punctuation being sometimes used and sometimes ignored. This poem would read smoother either with or without it. For example, this is the only period I detect:
now spirit surges, soars.
May I suggest an alternative idea to not use end line punctuation but rather relay on line breaks and sentence style capitalization to show the sentence endings?
Example:
Beaten, bruised, bowed and
bludgeoned
my fragile spirit
besieged
lies
fervently faking feral
noises
while inside my
self-esteem
dies
Darkness oppresses
tortured mind
shame-shriveled
while soul
cries
Now tenuous sunshine
stealthily creeps
bringing hope to
dries my
eyes
as furtive Phoenix
from foul ashes
fresh force finding
watch me
rise
Unbowed, unbroken still
standing tall
now spirit surges, soars
Unleashed, it flexes
flies
IN the above edit, the only changes other than punctuation and caps is to link these lines by adding the word TO:
bringing hope to
dries my
eyes
This sounds good read aloud and makes a stunning presentation with the artwork, too.
Bravo!
Love the use of furtive with Phoenix.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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second review
Yes! :)
First review (FOUR stars)
Oh, I love the form with the fine alliteration and same end rhyme on the end of each stanza. Very expressive emotional over tones and fine imagery. It's not easy to give a fresh sin on the phoenix imagery, and you have succeeded! Bravo!
I found the punctuation choices distracting because they were inconsistent and also because the abundance of line breaks already shape and sculpt the phrasing so the commas seems to clutter (my opinion).
The reason for a four star rating is the punctuation being sometimes used and sometimes ignored. This poem would read smoother either with or without it. For example, this is the only period I detect:
now spirit surges, soars.
May I suggest an alternative idea to not use end line punctuation but rather relay on line breaks and sentence style capitalization to show the sentence endings?
Example:
Beaten, bruised, bowed and
bludgeoned
my fragile spirit
besieged
lies
fervently faking feral
noises
while inside my
self-esteem
dies
Darkness oppresses
tortured mind
shame-shriveled
while soul
cries
Now tenuous sunshine
stealthily creeps
bringing hope to
dries my
eyes
as furtive Phoenix
from foul ashes
fresh force finding
watch me
rise
Unbowed, unbroken still
standing tall
now spirit surges, soars
Unleashed, it flexes
flies
IN the above edit, the only changes other than punctuation and caps is to link these lines by adding the word TO:
bringing hope to
dries my
eyes
This sounds good read aloud and makes a stunning presentation with the artwork, too.
Bravo!
Love the use of furtive with Phoenix.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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I'll sort that tomorrow rd. Thank you so much xx
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Do let me know, dear Jaq. Hugs, rd
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Thanks so much Rama it does indeed flow better, :) Jaq xxx Blessings to you
Comment from GarthL
That is some rising Jaq, absolutely brilliant!! If it's a personal anecdote all credit to you and if it's a creative fictional write all credit to you!
I enjoyed it whole-heartedly. I loved the alliteration in every stanza, the layout and the theme of hope over despair and ultimate victory flight. Great illustration and the video was a perfect accompaniment too, thank you very much for a most enjoyable read and listen this morning!!
Staystrong'n'livelove, Garth
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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That is some rising Jaq, absolutely brilliant!! If it's a personal anecdote all credit to you and if it's a creative fictional write all credit to you!
I enjoyed it whole-heartedly. I loved the alliteration in every stanza, the layout and the theme of hope over despair and ultimate victory flight. Great illustration and the video was a perfect accompaniment too, thank you very much for a most enjoyable read and listen this morning!!
Staystrong'n'livelove, Garth
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thanks Garth it is personal. I am very much a different person now :) Jaq xx
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And the best is yet to come mate, strive on with diligence! My heart is with you, well done.
Did you get 'The Gathering' notification?
Staystrong'n'livelong Jaq, Garth xx
Comment from Gungalo
Unbowed, unbroken still,
standing tall,
now spirit surges, soars.
Unleashed, it flexes,
flies
JC this is a wonderful write. It tells of all the possibilities for happpening and the still lets the phoenix rise in the end.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Unbowed, unbroken still,
standing tall,
now spirit surges, soars.
Unleashed, it flexes,
flies
JC this is a wonderful write. It tells of all the possibilities for happpening and the still lets the phoenix rise in the end.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much G xx
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Smile.
Comment from Rondeno
Gordon Bennett, what a good poem!
Seriously, it's a great idea to have that last, single word in each stanza, and all six of them rhyming.
The theme will strike a chord with many readers - the woman whose partner tries to break her, but over whom she triumphs.
Well done, mo chara. And good luck in the competition!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Gordon Bennett, what a good poem!
Seriously, it's a great idea to have that last, single word in each stanza, and all six of them rhyming.
The theme will strike a chord with many readers - the woman whose partner tries to break her, but over whom she triumphs.
Well done, mo chara. And good luck in the competition!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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I decided not to enter it.:). Thanks for a wonderful review and your help mo chara :) Jacqueline xx
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I decided not to enter it.:). Thanks for a wonderful review and your help mo chara :) Jacqueline xx
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Why on earth hold back from the competition?
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Lol I never seem to get very far xx
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One of the drawbacks of short legs.