Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "To Laugh or Cry"A Boy's Story of the rural South
26 total reviews
Comment from AprilShower
I enjoyed the story, bhogg. Sounds like older brother goofed. He apparently thought he knew everything. Guess he learned that he didn't. He should have listened to Virge, who had a lot of life experience. Looks like an interesting book. :o)
April
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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I enjoyed the story, bhogg. Sounds like older brother goofed. He apparently thought he knew everything. Guess he learned that he didn't. He should have listened to Virge, who had a lot of life experience. Looks like an interesting book. :o)
April
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thanks April. I'm glad that you read and enjoyed this chapter. Chapter one is the intro for the characters, so if you get a chance, please check it out. Bill
Comment from Sally Carter
Despite what you say in your author notes, Bill, I think each chapter stands absolutely fine alone, especially with your list of characters provided. I could have walked straight into this and enjoyed it without any prior knowledge.
As ever, the 4 is only for spag issues and if you think they are worth addressing, I'd love to come back and upgrade.
I've said it before, but I wish, even at 63, that I had a Virge in my life. What a blessing for anyone to have such a wise person to guide them.
In fact you write about most people with love, which makes the stories such a pleasure to read.
I'm not knowledgeable about point of view and all the technical aspects of novel writing, but I just know that your somewhat homely style is very engaging.
Let me quickly run through the points that I think could do with a tweak:
filets -- fillets (certainly in the UK)
drove up in her their 1949 Plymouth. -- extra word crept in there her/their
Out of the back seat, popped my older brother, John, with a small suitcase. -- For ease of reading I would probably dispense with the commas and say: Out of the back seat popped my older brother John, carrying a small suitcase.
I found out that my grandparents were headed south to Florida to take care of my sick aunt's family. I came to find out that my grandparents were headed down to Florida. -- looks like an amended sentence didn't get deleted.
Inside, the four room cabin -- no comma needed.
but still was preoccupied on checking on me. -- preoccupied *with*?
The long sleeve cotton shirt that I was wearing, didn't eliminate the stings, -- I would remove comma after "wearing". Not sure about eliminate. Prevent?
That explosion sort of telegraphed right through that barrel top -- close repetition of "that" and not sure about "sort of", though I do appreciate you are writing from the child's you's perspective.
Loving the story Bill. I am believing every single word, so struggling to believe that any of it is fiction. Is the "fiction" bit just to allow you to fill in any forgotten parts from your imagination? Your life seems not to require anything more than recall in order to make a fantastic read.
My best to you
Sally
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2013
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Despite what you say in your author notes, Bill, I think each chapter stands absolutely fine alone, especially with your list of characters provided. I could have walked straight into this and enjoyed it without any prior knowledge.
As ever, the 4 is only for spag issues and if you think they are worth addressing, I'd love to come back and upgrade.
I've said it before, but I wish, even at 63, that I had a Virge in my life. What a blessing for anyone to have such a wise person to guide them.
In fact you write about most people with love, which makes the stories such a pleasure to read.
I'm not knowledgeable about point of view and all the technical aspects of novel writing, but I just know that your somewhat homely style is very engaging.
Let me quickly run through the points that I think could do with a tweak:
filets -- fillets (certainly in the UK)
drove up in her their 1949 Plymouth. -- extra word crept in there her/their
Out of the back seat, popped my older brother, John, with a small suitcase. -- For ease of reading I would probably dispense with the commas and say: Out of the back seat popped my older brother John, carrying a small suitcase.
I found out that my grandparents were headed south to Florida to take care of my sick aunt's family. I came to find out that my grandparents were headed down to Florida. -- looks like an amended sentence didn't get deleted.
Inside, the four room cabin -- no comma needed.
but still was preoccupied on checking on me. -- preoccupied *with*?
The long sleeve cotton shirt that I was wearing, didn't eliminate the stings, -- I would remove comma after "wearing". Not sure about eliminate. Prevent?
That explosion sort of telegraphed right through that barrel top -- close repetition of "that" and not sure about "sort of", though I do appreciate you are writing from the child's you's perspective.
Loving the story Bill. I am believing every single word, so struggling to believe that any of it is fiction. Is the "fiction" bit just to allow you to fill in any forgotten parts from your imagination? Your life seems not to require anything more than recall in order to make a fantastic read.
My best to you
Sally
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2013
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Thanks Sally. It is filet here across the pond. Thanks for the other spots. I tried to make some corrections internal to FS, which for me is always a pain. I should pull the entire story out, correct in MS Word and re-post. I think I made all of your "spot on" corrections. Many thanks, Bill
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Thanks Bill. Yes, there are often spelling differences, which complicates things. I try to think "bi-lingually" but it doesn't always work!
I know what you mean about editing straight onto the screen. Happy to upgrade, as the book deserves.
:~)
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Thanks Sal - I really do appreciate you help!
Comment from Shirley B
Oh Bill, I loved this chapter. I had to laugh at the yellowjacket sting. I swear by the tobacco juice. It really works. Dad did that to us kids all the time when we got stung. I guess it is a southern thing. Love the stories of you and Virge. Have a great night, Shirley
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2013
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Oh Bill, I loved this chapter. I had to laugh at the yellowjacket sting. I swear by the tobacco juice. It really works. Dad did that to us kids all the time when we got stung. I guess it is a southern thing. Love the stories of you and Virge. Have a great night, Shirley
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2013
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Thanks for your support of this story. Always warm regard, bill
Comment from Selina Stambi
So glad to be able to catch another chapter of Rabbit and Verge - there is such a happy, carefree Tom Sawyer-ish feel to this story.
Great piece - looking forward to more!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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So glad to be able to catch another chapter of Rabbit and Verge - there is such a happy, carefree Tom Sawyer-ish feel to this story.
Great piece - looking forward to more!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thank you for reading and your very positive comments. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from highlander104
I haven't had a chance to read the other chapters, yet; but I'm sure they are as charming and fun as this one. Great descriptions as usual. Another sixer for you.
(Sugar Butts?) lol I'm just coming into this story and I got a good chuckle at his one.
Jean K.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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I haven't had a chance to read the other chapters, yet; but I'm sure they are as charming and fun as this one. Great descriptions as usual. Another sixer for you.
(Sugar Butts?) lol I'm just coming into this story and I got a good chuckle at his one.
Jean K.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Jean - thank you so much for your support. Always warm regards, Bill
Comment from Sasha
What a wonderful and fun story. I enjoyed this one immensely. Terrific writing and awesome imagery with this one too. Great work. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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What a wonderful and fun story. I enjoyed this one immensely. Terrific writing and awesome imagery with this one too. Great work. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thank you for reading, your kind feedback and the compliment of a six. I appreciate all! Warm regards, Bill
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Hey, Bill. This is a funny chapter. I do have a couple of suggestions, though. The first paragraph contains a number of simple sentences all in a row and that makes it sound choppy. You might want to rewrite that.
The other thing to look at is the sentence "It was weathered gray in coloration." "In Coloration" is unnecessary and you should probably omit it.
The rest is great. Enjoyed it. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Hey, Bill. This is a funny chapter. I do have a couple of suggestions, though. The first paragraph contains a number of simple sentences all in a row and that makes it sound choppy. You might want to rewrite that.
The other thing to look at is the sentence "It was weathered gray in coloration." "In Coloration" is unnecessary and you should probably omit it.
The rest is great. Enjoyed it. :) Nancy
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks Nancy - I'll look at that first paragraph. The other change is made. Thanks for reading and the pointers. Regards, Bill
Comment from Adri7enne
"How big is that stick?" LOL! Yeah, I had a brother like that! We couldn't be in the same room for 10 minutes before the insults started flying. LOL!
"Virge IS pretty good on stuff like this..." WAS.
"I knew for certain that I had A beating coming." Insert 'A'.
LOL! I loved the punch line! "Hey Virge, I cry when I laugh hard too." LOL!
Well composed, Bill. You've sort of got the style and rhythm of a kid that age pretty much down pat. Nice, simple style. I like it!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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"How big is that stick?" LOL! Yeah, I had a brother like that! We couldn't be in the same room for 10 minutes before the insults started flying. LOL!
"Virge IS pretty good on stuff like this..." WAS.
"I knew for certain that I had A beating coming." Insert 'A'.
LOL! I loved the punch line! "Hey Virge, I cry when I laugh hard too." LOL!
Well composed, Bill. You've sort of got the style and rhythm of a kid that age pretty much down pat. Nice, simple style. I like it!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading Adri and for the spots. I made those quick corrections. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from GWHARGIS
Poor Rabbit is a good hearted little guy, but he does seem to land himself in a lot of trouble here and now. It seems like everything is an adventure to him. I liked the report with Virge. John is now added into the mix and that should be interesting. Nice job. I enjoyed this chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Poor Rabbit is a good hearted little guy, but he does seem to land himself in a lot of trouble here and now. It seems like everything is an adventure to him. I liked the report with Virge. John is now added into the mix and that should be interesting. Nice job. I enjoyed this chapter.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks for reading and for your very kind comments. I'm glad you are enjoying. Bill
Comment from c_lucas
We didn't have barrel tops, but we had write sceen for old screen doors. Mother was a firm believer in the fire method. It worked fine, but you sure as hell didn't stand on the screen. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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We didn't have barrel tops, but we had write sceen for old screen doors. Mother was a firm believer in the fire method. It worked fine, but you sure as hell didn't stand on the screen. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Thanks Charlie - I don't think standing on that screen would be a good idea either! Bill
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I found that out, Bill. I got two blistering that day. One from the fire and the second from the switch I had to choose. (LOL)
