The Ripple Effect
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "I Wanna Go Home"A couple's tour about England takes many turns....
21 total reviews
Comment from Vickie Weaver
"McCail, lunch time to wake, honey... McCail?"
"Lunch, what happened to breakfast?"
. Traveling to England, or anywhere else for that matter, has never warmed his inner core, but boils it to the point of creating a meltdown. fragment I would consider making this two indv. sentences.
"Oh him; just as well, that man has been a pill the whole trip. Let him go ahead and get a gut rot. Those nuts have gone rotten, terrible, outdated."
Sure hope Kym Jade is a friend of yours!!!!
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"McCail, lunch time to wake, honey... McCail?"
"Lunch, what happened to breakfast?"
. Traveling to England, or anywhere else for that matter, has never warmed his inner core, but boils it to the point of creating a meltdown. fragment I would consider making this two indv. sentences.
"Oh him; just as well, that man has been a pill the whole trip. Let him go ahead and get a gut rot. Those nuts have gone rotten, terrible, outdated."
Sure hope Kym Jade is a friend of yours!!!!
Comment Written 24-Nov-2005
Comment from Daniel Ray
The ripple effect continues...I like this for its fancy, very orderly-original-organized flow (faster than the flight), hugging theme, funny plot, humorous setting, lyrical expressiveness, colourful characterization, intriguing-curious-interesting-mystic beginning (introduction) with fast forward to the story, very pleasing-curious-philosophical end, chopped climax leads direct to the resolution, huge diversity-ups-downs, wavy-natural-flying-realistic dialogues take natural access-coordination with the plot, ironic-symbolic effect, pleasing tone-attitude, a very nice-rippling-pleasing-lightning read. DANIEL RAY
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The ripple effect continues...I like this for its fancy, very orderly-original-organized flow (faster than the flight), hugging theme, funny plot, humorous setting, lyrical expressiveness, colourful characterization, intriguing-curious-interesting-mystic beginning (introduction) with fast forward to the story, very pleasing-curious-philosophical end, chopped climax leads direct to the resolution, huge diversity-ups-downs, wavy-natural-flying-realistic dialogues take natural access-coordination with the plot, ironic-symbolic effect, pleasing tone-attitude, a very nice-rippling-pleasing-lightning read. DANIEL RAY
Comment Written 24-Nov-2005
Comment from Roznme
I like the transition from the first chapter to the second.
There are a lot of spelling grammar errors which need correcting. One that I'll mention ... When using a number to start a sentence it is correct to spell it out. ie. ' 32,000 feet over the Atlantic and 600 miles from the coastline of England' would be better written as 'Thirty-two thousand feet and 600 miles from the coastline of England .. .'
The mixture of tenses and the change from first person and back to third person prevents a good flow to your story and causes some confusion at times.
Your work has promise and I'm looking forward to reading more.
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I like the transition from the first chapter to the second.
There are a lot of spelling grammar errors which need correcting. One that I'll mention ... When using a number to start a sentence it is correct to spell it out. ie. ' 32,000 feet over the Atlantic and 600 miles from the coastline of England' would be better written as 'Thirty-two thousand feet and 600 miles from the coastline of England .. .'
The mixture of tenses and the change from first person and back to third person prevents a good flow to your story and causes some confusion at times.
Your work has promise and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from dipyaman1982
You need to improve on your grammar and spellings. Writing "fantasy's" instead of "fantasies" or "bizarr" instead of "bizarre" doesn't help much. "The third person" and "the first person",i.e., "He" and "I", have been randomly interchanged with each other.
There are other grammar mistakes too, but I think you'll find them out yourself. But the story seems to be good and I shall be waiting to see what happens next.
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You need to improve on your grammar and spellings. Writing "fantasy's" instead of "fantasies" or "bizarr" instead of "bizarre" doesn't help much. "The third person" and "the first person",i.e., "He" and "I", have been randomly interchanged with each other.
There are other grammar mistakes too, but I think you'll find them out yourself. But the story seems to be good and I shall be waiting to see what happens next.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from Rasha
Hey Hagar :)
I really enjoyed reading this chapter from the book . It was very funny and the conversation flowed well .
The only bit that confused me was the few last paragraph , I'm wondering if Mccail was thinking loud ?
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Hey Hagar :)
I really enjoyed reading this chapter from the book . It was very funny and the conversation flowed well .
The only bit that confused me was the few last paragraph , I'm wondering if Mccail was thinking loud ?
Comment Written 22-Jun-2005
Comment from Dyan J. Cocchi
You have a creative writing style; that's for sure. I liked this story. It's adventurous, the charachters are believable, and the story doesn't sound forced.
You need to edit..edit..and edit again. You like the comma. Don't you? I would pick each sentence apart to get rid of the unnessesary fillers. Also, it might be from a cut and paste, but the presentation is exhausting to the reader. Put a line after each sentence of dialogue and between each paragraph. It will be easier on the eyes.
All in all, I think you are an excellent writer......
Dyan
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You have a creative writing style; that's for sure. I liked this story. It's adventurous, the charachters are believable, and the story doesn't sound forced.
You need to edit..edit..and edit again. You like the comma. Don't you? I would pick each sentence apart to get rid of the unnessesary fillers. Also, it might be from a cut and paste, but the presentation is exhausting to the reader. Put a line after each sentence of dialogue and between each paragraph. It will be easier on the eyes.
All in all, I think you are an excellent writer......
Dyan
Comment Written 21-Jun-2005
Comment from Kym Jade
Oh dear Maccail isn't a happy little camper. Loved the part about us and feel both honoured and flattered. We will glady accept your description. We have seen people do quite strange things in their travels when it comes to freebies. You really have us wondering about Mccail and Merlin's link!
A few typos:
"Stewardess, could I have another magazine, and is there something else to do besides sleep and watch Kung Foo movies?" asks the male passenger in first class seats(delete s) 12A.
She also possesses fire, able to burn down egos with a just<(just, or just a) few simple words.
"Jade," whispers a co-workers from behind the curtain." there's a man in(delete in maybe?) going through you cart."
I see your wheels turning Kym. So what are you thinking?" asks another stewardess.
"Once we land, I think I'll alert Carl in customs. He'll take (care) of him.
Best wishes and dreams.
We didn't make you a drunkard! Wait until you see who you really are. coming soon. Oh by the way if you can see us like that you should be a fantasy writer. Ha ha
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Oh dear Maccail isn't a happy little camper. Loved the part about us and feel both honoured and flattered. We will glady accept your description. We have seen people do quite strange things in their travels when it comes to freebies. You really have us wondering about Mccail and Merlin's link!
A few typos:
"Stewardess, could I have another magazine, and is there something else to do besides sleep and watch Kung Foo movies?" asks the male passenger in first class seats(delete s) 12A.
She also possesses fire, able to burn down egos with a just<(just, or just a) few simple words.
"Jade," whispers a co-workers from behind the curtain." there's a man in(delete in maybe?) going through you cart."
I see your wheels turning Kym. So what are you thinking?" asks another stewardess.
"Once we land, I think I'll alert Carl in customs. He'll take (care) of him.
Best wishes and dreams.
We didn't make you a drunkard! Wait until you see who you really are. coming soon. Oh by the way if you can see us like that you should be a fantasy writer. Ha ha
Comment Written 01-Jun-2005
Comment from Storyteller 27
You have grammer errors in this peice which causes you to loose stars.
-He takes his handkerchief to his face and throat-
This is written in past tense, so the line should be,
He took his handkerchief to his face and throat....
Just an example!
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You have grammer errors in this peice which causes you to loose stars.
-He takes his handkerchief to his face and throat-
This is written in past tense, so the line should be,
He took his handkerchief to his face and throat....
Just an example!
Comment Written 25-Mar-2005
Comment from Duane Simolke
>Surfacing out of his three hour sleep the now 46 year old Mccail asks, "what did you say?"
Surfacing out of his three-hour sleep the now-46-year-old Mccail asks, "What did you say?"
A lot of missing punctuation throughout, but there are some places where you added commas without needing them, such as...
>"What are you doing?", asked Ann.
"Quiet Ann!", was his sharp, slapping response. He grabbed another handful of packaged nuts.
"What are you doing?" asked Ann.
"Quiet Ann!" was his sharp, slapping response. He grabbed another handful of packaged nuts.
Watched conscious/conscience confusion.
The first paragraph is an effective but surprising transition from Chapter 1. I had wondered what else could happen from there, without realizing that you were only beginning the set-up. You capture the blur of time well here.
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>Surfacing out of his three hour sleep the now 46 year old Mccail asks, "what did you say?"
Surfacing out of his three-hour sleep the now-46-year-old Mccail asks, "What did you say?"
A lot of missing punctuation throughout, but there are some places where you added commas without needing them, such as...
>"What are you doing?", asked Ann.
"Quiet Ann!", was his sharp, slapping response. He grabbed another handful of packaged nuts.
"What are you doing?" asked Ann.
"Quiet Ann!" was his sharp, slapping response. He grabbed another handful of packaged nuts.
Watched conscious/conscience confusion.
The first paragraph is an effective but surprising transition from Chapter 1. I had wondered what else could happen from there, without realizing that you were only beginning the set-up. You capture the blur of time well here.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2005
Comment from Stacy L. Kersten
I think this is great. You are a wonderful writer, when I was reading this I kept thinking about all the Danielle Steele novels I've read....this writing style is so much like hers at the beginning. I mean that as a compliment too. I wouldn't change anything....it's great. Keep it up!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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I think this is great. You are a wonderful writer, when I was reading this I kept thinking about all the Danielle Steele novels I've read....this writing style is so much like hers at the beginning. I mean that as a compliment too. I wouldn't change anything....it's great. Keep it up!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2005