Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Second revoew

Very good! You inserted line braks. now it looks great and is easy to read.

I like the dash, too, but you've put it on a different line than the one I recomended and it seems odd there.

on second thought I think it's the grammar of that line that gave me pause. Suggest:

Neither
are
indulgences

~.~

Cry louder no justification
yet you expect
reputation

The phrasing of the second p0art there sounds slightly odd. Especially this line:


Cry louder no justification

is this what you meant(?):

You cry louder: 'no justification'



First review (FOUR stars)

Very strong commentary and satire poetry. Good free verse flow, crystal clear message delivered with originality.

These two sections are most impacting

Neither
are
indulgences
cry louder no justification
yet you expect
reputation
~.~

Love that except for its choppiness...a Dash or line break would fix it. May I suggest:

Neither
are
indulgences--
cry louder no justification
yet you expect
reputation


Brevity of the simple rhymed closing is pitch perfect:


Me?
I'm free!


One more suggestion is to consider removing all the ornamentation ~.~ - or at least put line breaks between them as it is hard on the eye to read--looks cluttered. Also, it removes the sense of 'breaths' or pauses (like music rests) that give a poem it's cadence.

Good presentation.

I bet this will offend some people. Others will applaud. I admire your boldness in posting it.

Warmly, rd

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 Comment Written 03-Sep-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012

Hey rd...i like the ideas but can you explain the reason for the dash not quite sure I understand. What about the ornamentation now...I like it with but if it helps the flow I could remove...

...worth a five or a six...yea or nay!

reply by rama devi on 03-Sep-2012

Hi Bic--It's perfectly fine to keep the ornamentation if you like it (a publisher would not probably want it thjre, but for FS purposes, it's ahrmless. the real issue was using it INSTEAD of line breaks. I recomend using line breaks in ebtween the ornaments. I'll make a second review and hos you an example. Also, the dash is for a long pause--but a line break would do the same, or a semicolon, or a comma for a shorter pause effect.

reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012

Excellent...