Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Gima: Gima's Vertant Spirit"fantasy adventure
17 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a scene your words painted....
That Jacknall is an evil, brutal, disgusting
lump of ... can't think of a word insulting enough.
Jacknel[] 's eye roves -close space
he hisses,"Hey baby - space after comma
her legs[]. - close space
along the red path, and moans savoring flavors -this doesn't sound quite right somehow... might you consider..
along the read path and moans, savouring flavours
his dangles.They - space after period... ha ha.. his dangles!!
"Brolicious bod[] ?" - close space
He [breathes] squats to breathe her in. ???
and shutters as it enters - shutters??
He eyes her smooth round buttocks with [its] inviting slit -- "buttocks" plural - therefore "their inviting slit"
Seeing Gima's instant stiffening reaction, he bellows, "Drink up boy," -- boy? shouldn't this be "girl"
high-pitced
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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What a scene your words painted....
That Jacknall is an evil, brutal, disgusting
lump of ... can't think of a word insulting enough.
Jacknel[] 's eye roves -close space
he hisses,"Hey baby - space after comma
her legs[]. - close space
along the red path, and moans savoring flavors -this doesn't sound quite right somehow... might you consider..
along the read path and moans, savouring flavours
his dangles.They - space after period... ha ha.. his dangles!!
"Brolicious bod[] ?" - close space
He [breathes] squats to breathe her in. ???
and shutters as it enters - shutters??
He eyes her smooth round buttocks with [its] inviting slit -- "buttocks" plural - therefore "their inviting slit"
Seeing Gima's instant stiffening reaction, he bellows, "Drink up boy," -- boy? shouldn't this be "girl"
high-pitced
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Mission accomplished, hatred for Jacknel complete. Thank you, my friend for the opening remarks and fine overall review. Oh, I clarified that Jacknel was talking to his favorite member when he says 'Drink up, boy.' The elixer was inside Gima. And I changed the comma at 'savoring' -- that was soooo incorrectly placed. Thank you again for all your help. This was a longer read.:) ellen
Comment from c_lucas
Most rapist need to know they are inflicking pain to their victim and have control over their victim. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Most rapist need to know they are inflicking pain to their victim and have control over their victim. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Thank you, charlie. I hoped to show that side of a rapist and make the readers hate Jacknel. Now, we move on. :) ellen
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You're welcome, Ellen. Charlie
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
Another great chapter, with lots of extremely alien descriptions.
As you know, I'm just finished adapting a novel into a screenplay. I think your novel would be a fantastic hit on the screen - very visual.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Hi ellen
Another great chapter, with lots of extremely alien descriptions.
As you know, I'm just finished adapting a novel into a screenplay. I think your novel would be a fantastic hit on the screen - very visual.
Ron xox
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Ron for thinking this would be a good screen production. I'm into costuming this last section more than the first. I think it adds to the scenes. :) ellen
Comment from gazzagodbod
wow i dont usually start a work half way through but couldnt help reading this one my friend great work i look forward to reading more gazza
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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wow i dont usually start a work half way through but couldnt help reading this one my friend great work i look forward to reading more gazza
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Thank you gazza for stepping into this novel. We are on the final stretch if you are interested in staying with us. Thank you for this fine and generous review. :) barking dog
Comment from DIS-illusioned
Have I mentioned that I love those vermel dangles? LOL! Having them, of course, not being ... 'faced' with them. LOL!
I swear, the visual effects from this tale's movie would be so spectacular--vermela, vertants, the whole of below city. I can imagine the costumes and graphic scenes--spectacular.
"She whimpers and pees a trail as they cross the threshold."
And I always thought Gima was such a lady. Peeing? So un-diva like. LOL!
Beautifully narrated, BD. Very good diction and descriptive expressions.
But no cries from Gima, after all that sweet, tender love-making? LOL! I am incredulous. :)) Jacknel is the paragon of the lady's man--so romantic. LMFAO!!!
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Have I mentioned that I love those vermel dangles? LOL! Having them, of course, not being ... 'faced' with them. LOL!
I swear, the visual effects from this tale's movie would be so spectacular--vermela, vertants, the whole of below city. I can imagine the costumes and graphic scenes--spectacular.
"She whimpers and pees a trail as they cross the threshold."
And I always thought Gima was such a lady. Peeing? So un-diva like. LOL!
Beautifully narrated, BD. Very good diction and descriptive expressions.
But no cries from Gima, after all that sweet, tender love-making? LOL! I am incredulous. :)) Jacknel is the paragon of the lady's man--so romantic. LMFAO!!!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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Thank you, DIS for you great review. Jacknel is a sweetheart. I'm glad you got back to reading just when the 'good' part is starting. At least Gima peed outside. :) BD
Comment from Janie King
Well, we continue with my regular little cop out game but it is what it is..I'm busy doing mother day things to get ready for the youths fund raiser at thast time. God bless.
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reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Well, we continue with my regular little cop out game but it is what it is..I'm busy doing mother day things to get ready for the youths fund raiser at thast time. God bless.
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Comment Written 24-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Did you make more bookmarks? They were so popular, and you had a new idea the last that you told me. Thank you for posting a review. I surely do appreciate it:)ellen
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I've made probably another 100 bookmark/key chains since I last talked to you..now I'm making marchig sets.. I ordered 2,500 yeards of different colored ribbon and 800 different kinds of charms..doing the local school colors not with little baseball caps..we've got four different local highschools..little surrounding towns..I'll be doing three different mother day poems to go on my cards..the child one is posted..tomorrow I hope to post another one..for the older kids/adults..God bless.
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I've made probably another 100 bookmark/key chains since I last talked to you..now I'm making marchig sets.. I ordered 2,500 yeards of different colored ribbon and 800 different kinds of charms..doing the local school colors not with little baseball caps..we've got four different local highschools..little surrounding towns..I'll be doing three different mother day poems to go on my cards..the child one is posted..tomorrow I hope to post another one..for the older kids/adults..God bless.
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I'll go check the poem now. The matching sets sound wonderful for the local schools.:)
Comment from Spitfire
I must say! Is there a market out there for this?? I hope you're not drawing memories from a past life on a different planet. Raw reading before bedtime. I wonder the Gima survives. Please tell me Jackel will get something worse.
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reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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I must say! Is there a market out there for this?? I hope you're not drawing memories from a past life on a different planet. Raw reading before bedtime. I wonder the Gima survives. Please tell me Jackel will get something worse.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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LOL Spitfire. I don't know the market. I just write the story. Chapters can always be cut or watered down. It's the conflict that matters in the long run. I wrote 'bland' before, its easy to go back there. Did you see 'Hostel?' Now, there is raw and it had two sequels. Disgusting stuff and they never got to a happy ending. I'm glad you are pissed off at Jacknel. That was my purpose. Now we move on. Remember Gima is the thread and we follow. Trell and the gang will catch up. :)