The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 46 "Making Vegetable Soup"A family learns their father is a serial killer
22 total reviews
Comment from rtobaygo
WELL WRITTEN. YOU USED THE CHARACTER'S DIALOGUE TO MOVE THE CHAPTERS PLOT BRILLIANTLY WHILE PROVIDING BACK FILL INTO DARK'S DEEDS. REGARDING YOUR DIALOGUE, IT WAS EXCELLENT. I COULDN'T DETECT ANY SPAGS YOU WENT FROM THE FIRST SCENE TO THE SECOND SCENE SCENE EFFORTLESSLY. LOOKING FORWARD TOWARD THE NEXT CHAPTER.
TAKE CARE,
RAY
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
  |
WELL WRITTEN. YOU USED THE CHARACTER'S DIALOGUE TO MOVE THE CHAPTERS PLOT BRILLIANTLY WHILE PROVIDING BACK FILL INTO DARK'S DEEDS. REGARDING YOUR DIALOGUE, IT WAS EXCELLENT. I COULDN'T DETECT ANY SPAGS YOU WENT FROM THE FIRST SCENE TO THE SECOND SCENE SCENE EFFORTLESSLY. LOOKING FORWARD TOWARD THE NEXT CHAPTER.
TAKE CARE,
RAY
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
-
Thank for the positive and enthusiastic review. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
My PM notification told me it was chicken soup? The story says vegetable. Guess we changed the menu.
Another great installment with granny very active. James up to his neck in legal stuff - and there's a great ending.
Always a good read.
Ron
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
|
Hi Smurphy
My PM notification told me it was chicken soup? The story says vegetable. Guess we changed the menu.
Another great installment with granny very active. James up to his neck in legal stuff - and there's a great ending.
Always a good read.
Ron
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
-
Thank you so much. I am thrilled you enjoyed this one.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
"Don't forget the spices." Grandmother enthusiastically added. She certainly understood vegetable soup. this is the special touch yhat makes your book so appealing. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "You mean the Bible. I think that would be [a] wonderful book to read."{I think you need the article 'a.'}
2. His lawyer told him that if he confessed to all twelve that he could talk the prosecutor into not asking for the death penalty [but ==> by] sending him to jail for life{This is not incorrect as written. I just like 'by' better than 'but'} instead.
3. They can try Dad in court and charge him with murder and sentence him to death."
Grandmother sighed and looked very sad. "James, I know Alexandru think for a long time that I am his sister. I always think I be his mother. Dark take that away from me. I do not know Alexandru as a brother or a son. I do not know him at all."
Grandmother covered her face with her hands and began to cry. {This is wonderful, emotional writing at it's best.}
This is certainly six-star writing. I continue to see an outstanding future for this book.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
|
Hi Valerie:)
"Don't forget the spices." Grandmother enthusiastically added. She certainly understood vegetable soup. this is the special touch yhat makes your book so appealing. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "You mean the Bible. I think that would be [a] wonderful book to read."{I think you need the article 'a.'}
2. His lawyer told him that if he confessed to all twelve that he could talk the prosecutor into not asking for the death penalty [but ==> by] sending him to jail for life{This is not incorrect as written. I just like 'by' better than 'but'} instead.
3. They can try Dad in court and charge him with murder and sentence him to death."
Grandmother sighed and looked very sad. "James, I know Alexandru think for a long time that I am his sister. I always think I be his mother. Dark take that away from me. I do not know Alexandru as a brother or a son. I do not know him at all."
Grandmother covered her face with her hands and began to cry. {This is wonderful, emotional writing at it's best.}
This is certainly six-star writing. I continue to see an outstanding future for this book.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 17-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
-
Thank you very much for the enthusiastic review and virtual 6. I always look forward to your reviews.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This is so well put together. I enjoyed reading and can now feel tension building up to the interrogation of the grandmother we know is coming. Just like James, I am feeling anxious. Giddy
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
|
This is so well put together. I enjoyed reading and can now feel tension building up to the interrogation of the grandmother we know is coming. Just like James, I am feeling anxious. Giddy
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2012
-
I am so pleased you liked this one. The next chapter is going to be a hard one to write.
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Hello,
Another great chapter.
Very powerful.
Great analogy between the law and soup.
Loved the dialogue.
Chilling ending, yes, not knowing him at all, how chilling for them.
Wonderful story.
Can't wait to read the next part.
Katie
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
Hello,
Another great chapter.
Very powerful.
Great analogy between the law and soup.
Loved the dialogue.
Chilling ending, yes, not knowing him at all, how chilling for them.
Wonderful story.
Can't wait to read the next part.
Katie
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
I am so pleased you liked this chapter. I don't think Grandmother understands the death penalty yet. I'll cover that in the next chapter.
-
cool!
Comment from Janie King
This is going to be more than a shocker to his dad who is smug in his cell thinking he has beat the system..be sure your sins will find you out would be an accurate statement here. God bless.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
This is going to be more than a shocker to his dad who is smug in his cell thinking he has beat the system..be sure your sins will find you out would be an accurate statement here. God bless.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
Yes, I think he is in for a big shock.
Comment from adewpearl
Dr. Williams is a psychiatrist, but Alfina - add comma
Doesn't that also mean - I would drop that also since you have another one in the same sentence
ask her some tough questions, and - add comma
right after the row of stars you spell Mr Hurly wrong in the first line
Seeing the room full of people, - add comma
Excellent dialogue in this chapter and such good character development and interaction among characters Brooke
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
Dr. Williams is a psychiatrist, but Alfina - add comma
Doesn't that also mean - I would drop that also since you have another one in the same sentence
ask her some tough questions, and - add comma
right after the row of stars you spell Mr Hurly wrong in the first line
Seeing the room full of people, - add comma
Excellent dialogue in this chapter and such good character development and interaction among characters Brooke
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
I officially anoint thee "Comma Queen of FS". Thanks for the critique...makes me wonder if I'll ever get it right!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I liked your post.
Grandmother saw me standing next to Mac. (standing beside Mac)
Grandmother interrupted to say, "Don't forget the spices." (A few times you have somebody interrupt. I am wondering if it wouldn't work better like this. "Don't forget the spices," interrupted Grandmother. That way you have the interruption first. Like I said there's a few other interruptions that probably need to be changed around.)
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
I liked your post.
Grandmother saw me standing next to Mac. (standing beside Mac)
Grandmother interrupted to say, "Don't forget the spices." (A few times you have somebody interrupt. I am wondering if it wouldn't work better like this. "Don't forget the spices," interrupted Grandmother. That way you have the interruption first. Like I said there's a few other interruptions that probably need to be changed around.)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
Thanks for catching the spag and I appreciate the suggestions too.
Comment from Deejharrington
I don't know if James' explanation will put his grandmother at ease or make her more confused. He meant well, but its all a lot for her to take in. And now to know her son/brother might be put to death for being a serial killer may put her over the edge. But she is a brave women, hopefully she will tell all she knows.
deb
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
I don't know if James' explanation will put his grandmother at ease or make her more confused. He meant well, but its all a lot for her to take in. And now to know her son/brother might be put to death for being a serial killer may put her over the edge. But she is a brave women, hopefully she will tell all she knows.
deb
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
I cover that in the next chapter. Yes, it is a lot to take in. But Alfina is a smart woman, a lot smarter than first thought. With both Jame and Angela looking out for her, she will be fine.
-
oh good! That should put the monster away!
deb
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, I think Alfina is very clever. While you are educating me about the law, James is educating her and she understands! The analogy of the vegetable soup is great. Who is the Rachael, by the way?
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
|
Hi, Sasha, I think Alfina is very clever. While you are educating me about the law, James is educating her and she understands! The analogy of the vegetable soup is great. Who is the Rachael, by the way?
Comment Written 16-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2012
-
Rachael had a brief appearance earlier in the book. She made arrangements to move the family from the Holiday Inn to the Sheriton.