Idol Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "How Did I get here?"Based on personal African experience via Hollywood
16 total reviews
Comment from jjstar
I'm still trying to decide what I've read...it was like two separate stories? The first one was horribly funny, and I was happily confused as I've been reviewing for four hours and my head is spinning..
The second half seemed to be a sentimental, sweet story with a moral or something? at the end. I enjoyed all of it, but boy, I'm so confused!!!!! I've made a few suggestions along with some laughing out loud comments. Good job...but if they are two distinct stories you might want to split them with a line to avoid having other reviewers' heads spin..:)
a idol's valuable eye.==an idol's
like dark thoughts inside a shrunken head.
===hahaha..
The whole village, men, women, children, visiting relatives and dogs came running and screaming out of the dark. ===maybe a better punctuation mark after village...not sure, but maybe a colon??
I too,(insert comma) got up (like my hair),(insert comma) and ran for my life.
senses sharpened,(insert comma) by,(delete comma) what we call out here, jungle smarts, I knew this maddened village was after me.
it had taken a whole village to raise me!
===har har har...
shaping mouth to thought,===kind of awkward==I think I'd take it out..
events that led up to this mad dash==events which might be better?
does one tell?),(insert comma) called King.
Slipping tenses easily, I notice the run-down clientele shuffling in and out, buying over-priced seed (I told you it was a seedy bar) (pay attention or there will be a lot more ===hehehe
fondly fingering the fortune folded in my flight jacket pocket flap, I gazed fixedly,===hahaha nice alliteration
me (can you get high on methane?), (insert comma)
his mother,==no comma
was probably about 25 years old,(insert comma) but I
had been in my chest was definitely eroding. I think I fought back a tear ...===awwwwwww
Instead,(insert comma) I half-traded him mine
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
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I'm still trying to decide what I've read...it was like two separate stories? The first one was horribly funny, and I was happily confused as I've been reviewing for four hours and my head is spinning..
The second half seemed to be a sentimental, sweet story with a moral or something? at the end. I enjoyed all of it, but boy, I'm so confused!!!!! I've made a few suggestions along with some laughing out loud comments. Good job...but if they are two distinct stories you might want to split them with a line to avoid having other reviewers' heads spin..:)
a idol's valuable eye.==an idol's
like dark thoughts inside a shrunken head.
===hahaha..
The whole village, men, women, children, visiting relatives and dogs came running and screaming out of the dark. ===maybe a better punctuation mark after village...not sure, but maybe a colon??
I too,(insert comma) got up (like my hair),(insert comma) and ran for my life.
senses sharpened,(insert comma) by,(delete comma) what we call out here, jungle smarts, I knew this maddened village was after me.
it had taken a whole village to raise me!
===har har har...
shaping mouth to thought,===kind of awkward==I think I'd take it out..
events that led up to this mad dash==events which might be better?
does one tell?),(insert comma) called King.
Slipping tenses easily, I notice the run-down clientele shuffling in and out, buying over-priced seed (I told you it was a seedy bar) (pay attention or there will be a lot more ===hehehe
fondly fingering the fortune folded in my flight jacket pocket flap, I gazed fixedly,===hahaha nice alliteration
me (can you get high on methane?), (insert comma)
his mother,==no comma
was probably about 25 years old,(insert comma) but I
had been in my chest was definitely eroding. I think I fought back a tear ...===awwwwwww
Instead,(insert comma) I half-traded him mine
Comment Written 17-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your hard work and time; now get off my back! No, just kidding! This is the first thing I wrote for FS, and it's the first chapter of a book. It probably should be called "I Digress .." because your confusion (2 different stories) stems from not seeing my style.
All through the book, I add some seemingly unrelated experiences that may or may not move the story along but they show the development of my oversized ego(fictitious, I hope). I really don't care, since I wrote this for my own pleasure. Frankly, I have LOL at times while writing it. So I don't wanna be too serious about it.
This is not to diminish in any way your excellent critique! I really do appreciate it!
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You are hysterical. Welcome to FS...my brain has just shrunk from too much reviewing..okay...I'll keep reading, maybe not after reviewing all day!
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Thank you! I nominated you for reviewer of the year or something like that but not sure it went through. Let me know if you don't get notified and I will try again.
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Cool!!!! Thanks!
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OMG! Couldn't stop thinking about this...I finally got this! How did I get here????? Ah, gees...that's very clever...now it makes sense!
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If it makes sense, I may not be doing my job ... :)
Comment from TammyGail
Deniz excellent work crafting this chapter - indeed well written and vividly expressed - great dialogue and storytelling throughout keeping my eye - thanks for sharing pleasure to read think I'll jump to the next now -
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
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Deniz excellent work crafting this chapter - indeed well written and vividly expressed - great dialogue and storytelling throughout keeping my eye - thanks for sharing pleasure to read think I'll jump to the next now -
Comment Written 17-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2012
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Thank you TammyGail. High praise coming from you ... :)
Comment from ajdevore
I caught this in alter chapter and SO glad I didn't miss it. What a delightful wit you have. A writers wit. I'm gonna follow this till the fat lady sings.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
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I caught this in alter chapter and SO glad I didn't miss it. What a delightful wit you have. A writers wit. I'm gonna follow this till the fat lady sings.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2012
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Thank you! That's very nice of you!
Comment from Gloria ....
Hey, Deniz I think this is quite an enjoyable romp and humorous preview into an fast action adventure about to unfold. Your use of hyperbole is A+ with the elephant ordure odor and braggadocio bravado. In fact there are lots of funny lines in this bit and it well written too.
Nits:
Humorous adventue (adventure) set in Hollywoodized Africa involving hostlie(hostile) over reaction to the theft of a (an) idol's valuable eye. Then there is something funky going on in the subtitle too, not sure exactly what you meant.
notice the run-down cliental (clientele) shuffling in and out,
I remember a kid in our town had the worst riding, hardest to peddle, (pedal) unless you meant hawk;)
He was always wearing band aids (Band-Aids) and riding funny because his glasses were broken,
Welcome to FanStory. Remember to visit the forums in the days ahead.
Good job.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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Hey, Deniz I think this is quite an enjoyable romp and humorous preview into an fast action adventure about to unfold. Your use of hyperbole is A+ with the elephant ordure odor and braggadocio bravado. In fact there are lots of funny lines in this bit and it well written too.
Nits:
Humorous adventue (adventure) set in Hollywoodized Africa involving hostlie(hostile) over reaction to the theft of a (an) idol's valuable eye. Then there is something funky going on in the subtitle too, not sure exactly what you meant.
notice the run-down cliental (clientele) shuffling in and out,
I remember a kid in our town had the worst riding, hardest to peddle, (pedal) unless you meant hawk;)
He was always wearing band aids (Band-Aids) and riding funny because his glasses were broken,
Welcome to FanStory. Remember to visit the forums in the days ahead.
Good job.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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Thanks!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is very well written in a pleasant first person style. I did not like the ending, since stupid characters generally repulse readers, and what you prob'ly intended as humor didn't work. Characters should be realistic, and NO kid would trade a new bike for a piece of junk. So that to me is a major flaw. If he did it, he is too stupid to be likable, so not even that saves this plot.
However, the writing is a joy to read and I look forward to more of this book.
By the way, a bit of spag... you put an apostrophe in "a whole bunch of Louies" and do not want it there since LOUIES is a plural word here, not a possessive.
At least you ended with the stupid kid learning a lesson, so the next chapters might show him as more likable. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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This is very well written in a pleasant first person style. I did not like the ending, since stupid characters generally repulse readers, and what you prob'ly intended as humor didn't work. Characters should be realistic, and NO kid would trade a new bike for a piece of junk. So that to me is a major flaw. If he did it, he is too stupid to be likable, so not even that saves this plot.
However, the writing is a joy to read and I look forward to more of this book.
By the way, a bit of spag... you put an apostrophe in "a whole bunch of Louies" and do not want it there since LOUIES is a plural word here, not a possessive.
At least you ended with the stupid kid learning a lesson, so the next chapters might show him as more likable. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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If you are looking for realistic characters in my story you are shaking the wrong tree. I think you missed the part where the "stupid kid" outsmarts me by playing to my inflated ego.
I think we can safely say that most people pull for the underdog and like to see "smarty pants" smart a little. Appreciation for that truism trumps your observation. Now agree or I shall huff and puff and blow your house down! :)
Comment from uniqueauthor
Although I don't often read this type of story, I enjoyed this one. It has some very good bones. However, I have found a few things that need to be checked.
You have too many commas, make some of them into sentaces. I have only given you three stars, because this chapter needs a complete revision. I learned this the hard way. Let me know when you are finished and I will gladly ammend my rating.
In Paragraph 2:
Unable is new paragraph.
Paraggraph 3:
My though became audible. Forget the phrase shaped my mouth. I thought it was a pretty good thought too, since I had stolen . . .
Para 5: Whatever the case begins new thought, therefore is new parapraph.
Paragraph 6: Remove comman drink and surrounded. This is a complete thought.
Never do back to back parentheses. Comma after bar, and again after statements.
Greco natives is new Paragraph about Grenco Natives.
Paragraph 7: They were bound togehter. New paragraph, subject changes to the code.
Para 9: But is unnecessary.
Transform it, and I would need...
Paragraph 10: Apparently new paragraph about different subject.
Paragraph 11:
Omit Anyway, remove comma following flap, replace with period.
Paragraph 12: Omit But. This word never begins a paragraph. I had to learn this the hard way.
Omit parentheses after me, add comma instead.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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Although I don't often read this type of story, I enjoyed this one. It has some very good bones. However, I have found a few things that need to be checked.
You have too many commas, make some of them into sentaces. I have only given you three stars, because this chapter needs a complete revision. I learned this the hard way. Let me know when you are finished and I will gladly ammend my rating.
In Paragraph 2:
Unable is new paragraph.
Paraggraph 3:
My though became audible. Forget the phrase shaped my mouth. I thought it was a pretty good thought too, since I had stolen . . .
Para 5: Whatever the case begins new thought, therefore is new parapraph.
Paragraph 6: Remove comman drink and surrounded. This is a complete thought.
Never do back to back parentheses. Comma after bar, and again after statements.
Greco natives is new Paragraph about Grenco Natives.
Paragraph 7: They were bound togehter. New paragraph, subject changes to the code.
Para 9: But is unnecessary.
Transform it, and I would need...
Paragraph 10: Apparently new paragraph about different subject.
Paragraph 11:
Omit Anyway, remove comma following flap, replace with period.
Paragraph 12: Omit But. This word never begins a paragraph. I had to learn this the hard way.
Omit parentheses after me, add comma instead.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2012
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Thanks!
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You're welcome. Peace for today