The Eden Tree
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Holmes Chapel 2011"A family's need of a miracle is in a Box
29 total reviews
Comment from elgone
It is a solid beginning for a story. You're establishing your main character as the narrator in a first person account. It makes the story more compelling for the reader immediately.
One minor thing:
being miles from home comfort and - I think it would read better as home's comfort
E
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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It is a solid beginning for a story. You're establishing your main character as the narrator in a first person account. It makes the story more compelling for the reader immediately.
One minor thing:
being miles from home comfort and - I think it would read better as home's comfort
E
Comment Written 29-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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thanks for your comment, I will make the change you suggest.
Comment from Anisa-
How does that saying go? Third time's a charm? Lol. I was interrupted the first two attempts at reading this, finally made it through on the third!
Where to start ... Okay, well done!! This is what six-stars are reserved for, right here.
Can't comment on spag because, well, that's not exactly my strong point and there was only one line of dialogue, so we'll skip that. Lol.
Setting - You establish your setting so well. You really walk the reader through at a perfect pace. Things happen naturally.
The MC's voice is strong and I can hear him talking while I'm reading. That's excellent.
I love your descriptions ... of the wife, the hyenas, of the MC. All really, really good.
The title drew me, not going to lie. It's a very interesting and memorable name for the story. The opening really hooked me, especially when he mentions his grandsons life.
All and all ... One heck of a start to a story. Certainly looking forward to more.
Anisa
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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How does that saying go? Third time's a charm? Lol. I was interrupted the first two attempts at reading this, finally made it through on the third!
Where to start ... Okay, well done!! This is what six-stars are reserved for, right here.
Can't comment on spag because, well, that's not exactly my strong point and there was only one line of dialogue, so we'll skip that. Lol.
Setting - You establish your setting so well. You really walk the reader through at a perfect pace. Things happen naturally.
The MC's voice is strong and I can hear him talking while I'm reading. That's excellent.
I love your descriptions ... of the wife, the hyenas, of the MC. All really, really good.
The title drew me, not going to lie. It's a very interesting and memorable name for the story. The opening really hooked me, especially when he mentions his grandsons life.
All and all ... One heck of a start to a story. Certainly looking forward to more.
Anisa
Comment Written 29-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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I have sent a private message, as i clicked reply, but thank you for the kind words and rating
Comment from TOPE1
The story talks about a character who leaves his family in searching of a magic box. His name is John James Morgan, he is rich. He has also traveled to different continents. The author has just shown a situation which occur in some families. Many parents travel leaving their families to different part of the world to make an end meet.The author ideas are explained clearly. A good work!
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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The story talks about a character who leaves his family in searching of a magic box. His name is John James Morgan, he is rich. He has also traveled to different continents. The author has just shown a situation which occur in some families. Many parents travel leaving their families to different part of the world to make an end meet.The author ideas are explained clearly. A good work!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it!
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very well written introductory piece making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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This is a very well written introductory piece making for a very easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good job.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Thank you very much for your kind comments
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You're welcome.
Comment from gramalot8
Vigornet, this is a good beginning. I loved your description of the area in and around Jaffa. Good visions come to mind. Nice chapter which leads us to want to know more about him and what might be next.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Vigornet, this is a good beginning. I loved your description of the area in and around Jaffa. Good visions come to mind. Nice chapter which leads us to want to know more about him and what might be next.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks for your kind comment. I hope you like the novel as I post it.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked these lines: I felt the pressure. Apprehension rose within my stomach like a petulant toddler demanding attention. :)
Got a chuckle here: Hotel porters around the world appear mysteriously when a taxi arrives, as if they have been tipped off. The smell of a gratuity draws them out of their lairs like hyenas. ;p
suggestion: I should have been with my family on my birthday enjoying a Valentine kiss(.) I stared out of my hotel window at the 6.25am Mediterranean sunrise.
Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Liked these lines: I felt the pressure. Apprehension rose within my stomach like a petulant toddler demanding attention. :)
Got a chuckle here: Hotel porters around the world appear mysteriously when a taxi arrives, as if they have been tipped off. The smell of a gratuity draws them out of their lairs like hyenas. ;p
suggestion: I should have been with my family on my birthday enjoying a Valentine kiss(.) I stared out of my hotel window at the 6.25am Mediterranean sunrise.
Well done!
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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thanks for your comments and advice.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi vigoumet,
An intriguing start to your story, hints, suggestions, but nothing given away as yet. My one suggestion would have been to give your readers both sides of the telephone call as a way to break up the narrative. Alternatively you could introduce a conversation between - say - the receptionist or a chatty waiter.
But that might spoil what you're planning later of course.
Patrick
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Hi vigoumet,
An intriguing start to your story, hints, suggestions, but nothing given away as yet. My one suggestion would have been to give your readers both sides of the telephone call as a way to break up the narrative. Alternatively you could introduce a conversation between - say - the receptionist or a chatty waiter.
But that might spoil what you're planning later of course.
Patrick
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks for your comments and advice...I will look at your idea which I think is good!
Comment from Gideon Roth
Great job on this. First of all, anyone that can serve on a board of an HOA is not a coward. Further, to write such an intriguing story in first person has my total respect. This had some great descriptive writing that served well to paint great mental pictures. Hooked me early and held my attention all the way through. Made me look forward to the next submission. Your style and talent are those I wish to polish in my own writing and therefore would appreciate your looking for my submissions as they become available and offer your input. Best of success in all your writing endeavors...Gideon
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Great job on this. First of all, anyone that can serve on a board of an HOA is not a coward. Further, to write such an intriguing story in first person has my total respect. This had some great descriptive writing that served well to paint great mental pictures. Hooked me early and held my attention all the way through. Made me look forward to the next submission. Your style and talent are those I wish to polish in my own writing and therefore would appreciate your looking for my submissions as they become available and offer your input. Best of success in all your writing endeavors...Gideon
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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thanks for your kind words. my writing style has a long way to go, so thanks for the encouragement
Comment from bowls
Well, you've managed to entrap me here. I've read your first chapter and absolutely must read on as you've given me so much that I must follow up on. First of all, the narrator speaks to me frankly and openly, sharing is feelings in a most genuine way. I want to follow him in his quest. Of course, you've left me in suspense about that box and its contests - excellent device for arousing suspense and luring your reader into the action. I find your style polished and interesting. You weave background and information about local colour into your tale in an effortless and seamless fashion. I shall immediately sign up as a fan so I won't miss any chapter in what promises to be a fascinating read. One little typo I noticed: the make of the taxi - Audi - you forgot to capitalize.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Well, you've managed to entrap me here. I've read your first chapter and absolutely must read on as you've given me so much that I must follow up on. First of all, the narrator speaks to me frankly and openly, sharing is feelings in a most genuine way. I want to follow him in his quest. Of course, you've left me in suspense about that box and its contests - excellent device for arousing suspense and luring your reader into the action. I find your style polished and interesting. You weave background and information about local colour into your tale in an effortless and seamless fashion. I shall immediately sign up as a fan so I won't miss any chapter in what promises to be a fascinating read. One little typo I noticed: the make of the taxi - Audi - you forgot to capitalize.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind comments. An agent and some reviws have suggested that I need more happenings, so I hope I can keep readers interest. I will amend the typo.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, vigournet, you did a great job writing the first part of the story about the man who sought for a miracle for his grandson and travelled to Israel to find it. i enjoyued reading it.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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this is very well written, vigournet, you did a great job writing the first part of the story about the man who sought for a miracle for his grandson and travelled to Israel to find it. i enjoyued reading it.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2012
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Thanks, I appreciate your comment. some reviews have suggested I need more to happen, so I am working on that.