The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Journal"A family learns their father is a serial killer
22 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
My, this is such an intriguing story, Sasha...
I am so lost in it - don't you go cutting it
off again, as you did before... I need to know
the outcome.
Needs some tweaking here and there..
I ignored Mom's question[s]- she only asked one.
She and Aunt Em tried to hide their shaking hands and knees by pulling their skirts down over [her](their) legs. - this needs to be "their" but that makes 3 in the 1 line.. so you might consider something like...
She and Aunt Em pulled down their skirts in an effort to hide their shaking hands and knees.
That was [that](the) last
Careful to choose my words carefully, I leaned over and took Mom's hand. - here "careful" and "carefully".. might you consider... Choosing my words carefully, I....
about Marie Anne."- this should be Anne Marie
buried her face into her hands - in her hands
with guilt and shame(,) begged - comma
a long time(,) pretending - comma
I paused a moment then asked [Mom] (her) a second - reader knows who it is as you've mentioned her twice above
is more(,) isn't there?" - comma
name is Adrian,which - space after comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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My, this is such an intriguing story, Sasha...
I am so lost in it - don't you go cutting it
off again, as you did before... I need to know
the outcome.
Needs some tweaking here and there..
I ignored Mom's question[s]- she only asked one.
She and Aunt Em tried to hide their shaking hands and knees by pulling their skirts down over [her](their) legs. - this needs to be "their" but that makes 3 in the 1 line.. so you might consider something like...
She and Aunt Em pulled down their skirts in an effort to hide their shaking hands and knees.
That was [that](the) last
Careful to choose my words carefully, I leaned over and took Mom's hand. - here "careful" and "carefully".. might you consider... Choosing my words carefully, I....
about Marie Anne."- this should be Anne Marie
buried her face into her hands - in her hands
with guilt and shame(,) begged - comma
a long time(,) pretending - comma
I paused a moment then asked [Mom] (her) a second - reader knows who it is as you've mentioned her twice above
is more(,) isn't there?" - comma
name is Adrian,which - space after comma
Margaret
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching ALL the spags. I will go back over this and make the appointments. I am so pleased you are enjoying this.
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
Well, James was looking for answers.
Now he's discovered his mother is also his sister!
That's one hell of a way to learn about the incest in the family.
I'm sure there's more shocks to come.
Ron
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi Smurphy
Well, James was looking for answers.
Now he's discovered his mother is also his sister!
That's one hell of a way to learn about the incest in the family.
I'm sure there's more shocks to come.
Ron
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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This was definitely meant to be an eye opener. I am pleased you liked this ohe.
Comment from Cranial Thinker
Wow!!!! here I go again having to remind myself I must breathe in order to be able to continue to read this story,
my mind feeling James's mother slipping into a mental never,
never land type state of consciousness and his aunt seeing it as well frantically trying to stop James from continuing
on in his line of questions,she rushes out a get's the diary
or journal that held all the answer's he wanted/needed to know which would also help in the case against his dad as well,completeing the psychological profile of his dad making
and compiling probable motivation in the actual killings....This is something else my friend,truly incredible,really....Cranial Thinker
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Wow!!!! here I go again having to remind myself I must breathe in order to be able to continue to read this story,
my mind feeling James's mother slipping into a mental never,
never land type state of consciousness and his aunt seeing it as well frantically trying to stop James from continuing
on in his line of questions,she rushes out a get's the diary
or journal that held all the answer's he wanted/needed to know which would also help in the case against his dad as well,completeing the psychological profile of his dad making
and compiling probable motivation in the actual killings....This is something else my friend,truly incredible,really....Cranial Thinker
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Sorry it is so complicated but seems that's the way life if. I am pleased you enjoyed this one
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Smurph,
Oh dear, I think James has learned part of the awful truth. I was stunned to find out his sister is really his mother. What a shock to him and also to me. A product of incest might explain his behavior but it is still no excuse to commit murder. Perhaps he was murdering his sister over and over again. Who did slip that journal under the door? You aren't going to tell me are you? I would give you a six for everything you write if I could.....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi Smurph,
Oh dear, I think James has learned part of the awful truth. I was stunned to find out his sister is really his mother. What a shock to him and also to me. A product of incest might explain his behavior but it is still no excuse to commit murder. Perhaps he was murdering his sister over and over again. Who did slip that journal under the door? You aren't going to tell me are you? I would give you a six for everything you write if I could.....blessings, chey
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Nope, I am not going to toll you. It is sad what his father went through but you are right, it does hot give him the right to ill anyone.
Comment from Janie King
His sister was his mother..so his dad wasn't his dad but his grandfather and his wife was his grandmother....girl you can't leave me here, dangling on this limb of unknown...I'm not a monkey..I can't hold on long...is this all coming out of your imagination? Holy Moses. God bless.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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His sister was his mother..so his dad wasn't his dad but his grandfather and his wife was his grandmother....girl you can't leave me here, dangling on this limb of unknown...I'm not a monkey..I can't hold on long...is this all coming out of your imagination? Holy Moses. God bless.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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His dad is his father and grandfather, his sister is his sister and mother. Very emotionally screwed up. Happens way more often then people want to know
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so the father had sex with his sister?? so where was grandma? God bless.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Line 3, paragraph 11:... over [their] legs.
Line 5,.......................... The only..??.... of comfort I found,
6 paragraphs from end:..... something a child would [buy] (by) at a drugstore...
This is enormously intriguing, tantalisingly questioning. so many dark mysterious facts to be unravelled. Great reading. Giddy
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Line 3, paragraph 11:... over [their] legs.
Line 5,.......................... The only..??.... of comfort I found,
6 paragraphs from end:..... something a child would [buy] (by) at a drugstore...
This is enormously intriguing, tantalisingly questioning. so many dark mysterious facts to be unravelled. Great reading. Giddy
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. Glad you liked this one. Now we get to find out more about Fad.
Comment from Halfree
I have jus tread the latest. So you are getting a review that covers the last two postings. Both fivers easily. Like the way you are structuring the plot and taking time to developed the characters and family history. wish the whole thing was finished so I could get comfortable in an easy chair with some coffee and read through the night. Oh, you might have caught on, this is one good story and you are telling it well.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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I have jus tread the latest. So you are getting a review that covers the last two postings. Both fivers easily. Like the way you are structuring the plot and taking time to developed the characters and family history. wish the whole thing was finished so I could get comfortable in an easy chair with some coffee and read through the night. Oh, you might have caught on, this is one good story and you are telling it well.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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I am thrilled you like this. We now get to find out more about dad.
Comment from Showboat
This story is like peeling an onion. No sooner do you get one answer when three more questions pop up.
You did an excellent job of making all your characters sympathetic. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Great job,
Gayle
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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This story is like peeling an onion. No sooner do you get one answer when three more questions pop up.
You did an excellent job of making all your characters sympathetic. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Great job,
Gayle
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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I am so pleased you like this. Yes, it is a lot like pealing a very big onion. Poor James is in for a lot of srtess.
Comment from Belinda
Wow, this is getting more and more exciting. And you've had us hanging on a cliff with your ending, so the phrase goes. Yes, who slipped the journal under the door? Only you know...:)
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Wow, this is getting more and more exciting. And you've had us hanging on a cliff with your ending, so the phrase goes. Yes, who slipped the journal under the door? Only you know...:)
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Yup, only I know. I do hope I am keeping your interest. I hope to post another chapter by tomorrow.
Comment from DominicanPoet
This seems like a great story in the making. I like the description. I feel like I can identify with the main character (James Mathews). I believe that is very important to the audience. However, the excerpt I read was a little confusing. It seemed too descriptive. At first I was wanting more of the story, but then I felt lost in trying to get through the descriptions. Good luck with your story.
~DominicanPoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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This seems like a great story in the making. I like the description. I feel like I can identify with the main character (James Mathews). I believe that is very important to the audience. However, the excerpt I read was a little confusing. It seemed too descriptive. At first I was wanting more of the story, but then I felt lost in trying to get through the descriptions. Good luck with your story.
~DominicanPoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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I;ll go back over this and see what I can do to improve it.