Gima The Beginning
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Gima: Swallowtails "fantasy adventure
20 total reviews
Comment from Janie King
My life is just to topsy turvey right now to conisder trying to get a grasp on this series...maybe later..I've never been able to get through Narniah...God bless.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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My life is just to topsy turvey right now to conisder trying to get a grasp on this series...maybe later..I've never been able to get through Narniah...God bless.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thank you, Janie for your comments. What is happening with you? Is your mom, OK? :) ellen
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She's having a lot more down times than up..I got my clothes all done up in case she didn't pull out of it but she did but the past 48 hours she's felt really bad..between the bowel problem and the restless legs with the weather changes she's pretty worn out and getting weaker...I've actually got my things ready for a funeral 6 times in the past 5 years and she always comes out of it. She turned 89 last month...I'm just along for the ride ..she and God have their own thing going. God bless.
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Isn't that the truth. His timing is his, and he didn't want her yet.
This is a hard time of year with the weather changing. Take care. My thought are with you both.:) ellen
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey there Ellen
This chapter is rather engaging especially for me being a bear. So now what is the unseen danger lurking in the bushes? How will it affect the twins. This bear wants to know
Bear
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hey there Ellen
This chapter is rather engaging especially for me being a bear. So now what is the unseen danger lurking in the bushes? How will it affect the twins. This bear wants to know
Bear
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi Bear. Your fellow creatures are great players in future scenes. LOL Thank you for your comments. Stay tuned. :) BD
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Ellen. You've done a Herculean amount of writing in this chapter - hats off my friend. I noticed a couple of areas that didn't quite work for me in this chapter. I'll share them for your consideration:
The section where Trell is trying to get Blathen to understand his actions: 'In this fun, did you think or just do?' I know what the gist of what you getting at is, but I found the sentence awkward. Perhaps you could have Trell point to his heart and head when he is asking this question.
'A smile drools across the young vermel's snoring face when his collector tastes Trell's perspiration.' This presented a picture that was at odds for me. Smile and drool being quite different things in my mind.
Not sure you need the section about the bear, but I'm guessing you have something in mind for the next chapter.
Now, its sections like this that really spark my interest and make me want to definitely read more:
'The sun warms Gima's skin, and a light mist of perspiration forms on her upper lip and forehead. Several butterflies perch on the flow of long dark hair and dart from the blue coneflowers to the yellow buttercups that she has woven there. In her deerskin leather, she looks as much a part of the meadow floor as the earth itself.' The poetic, alliterative touches really appealed to me.
Overall, a strong addition to your novel!
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi, Ellen. You've done a Herculean amount of writing in this chapter - hats off my friend. I noticed a couple of areas that didn't quite work for me in this chapter. I'll share them for your consideration:
The section where Trell is trying to get Blathen to understand his actions: 'In this fun, did you think or just do?' I know what the gist of what you getting at is, but I found the sentence awkward. Perhaps you could have Trell point to his heart and head when he is asking this question.
'A smile drools across the young vermel's snoring face when his collector tastes Trell's perspiration.' This presented a picture that was at odds for me. Smile and drool being quite different things in my mind.
Not sure you need the section about the bear, but I'm guessing you have something in mind for the next chapter.
Now, its sections like this that really spark my interest and make me want to definitely read more:
'The sun warms Gima's skin, and a light mist of perspiration forms on her upper lip and forehead. Several butterflies perch on the flow of long dark hair and dart from the blue coneflowers to the yellow buttercups that she has woven there. In her deerskin leather, she looks as much a part of the meadow floor as the earth itself.' The poetic, alliterative touches really appealed to me.
Overall, a strong addition to your novel!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Your suggestions are well taken. Yes, the bear does play an important part and if I could post an entire true chapter, you would see the purpose of introducing her. Haven't you see a baby dream with its mouth open and drool. My son always looked like he was smiling. I'll rephrase it though. It's more of a poetic thing than it should be, I guess. As long as the reader understands what Trell was trying to get across... I don't know how to stay true to Vertant/Vermel culture who don't deal with the heart at all and have Trell explain what he himself is just learning from Gima. He didn't know the word for love until he met her. Below, it is all about survival and a Vertant life is of no value. You will note that some of Trell's treatment of Blathen is as if Blathen is better or at least will be the best of them. Vermel are the rulers below so Trell in a way is proud to have a Prime One as a son. It is a tight rope walk to keep this real and not go 'human' with Trell. Azzy and Hunter are the emotional humans.
That sentence is a hard one.(feel or do) I'll work on it a bit more.
Thank you so much. This is a great help, Bev.
:) ellen
My son thinks I should write a romance novel in the vain of the paragraph that you liked. :)
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If it helps, I'm glad, Ellen. Certainly, its only my perspective. But, I do agree with your son...I think you have a real way of expressing elevated emotions. There aren't too many doing romance on the site, either (at least something that doesn't have to have warnings on it). If you do go into that area, I would suggest that you read Av's work.
Your situation is definitely unique as is your story. So, you're breaking ground here, I realize. Not ever having had children, I have not seen the smile/drool, so I just couldn't visualize them together.
You're welcome, Ellen. You've offered me some good advice to make my writing better and that's what we're here for - to help each other.
Cheers, Bev
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And you have. I did change the drool/smile thing a bit. It reads better. I have tried to read her work and I know that she is acclaimed, but I can't seem to get into it. I don't know why. I have tried several things and I fall asleep or my mind wanders. Oh, well. I guess my idea of writing like that paragraph is not such a good one. I would be nothing like her and she is a god here.
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Oh, don't let that keep you from trying out something if your heart is in it, Ellen. You're a good enough writer to pretty much write any genre successfully. I like Av's stuff because I grew up reading Emily Bronte, et al. Tina55, writes a very different kind of romance and she's a fabulous writer. Just my opinion, but when you write at a high level of sophistication, like you do, it tends to turn off some folks on the site. They don't want to think too hard. For instance, I really enjoy Captain Jack, but I don't think anything he writes will likely win a Pulitzer prize.
Just my thoughts. Cheers, Bev
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What high level of sophistication. Do you mean complexity?
Wow. I'm going to win a Pulitzer?
I love CJ, too. He and LW are two that could publish columns in a newspaper. I love their works.
Oh, I couldn't read Bronte either. LOL I liked Poe, Twain, deMaupassaunt,Wm.S, and any historical fiction I could get my hands on. Comic books were my favs.
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Yes, I think that's the word I was looking for. CJ and Dan are in a category all their own. Xxx Bev
Comment from purrfect tale
Rats!!! It won't let me give you a six, and this deserves one. The dad and son moment was heartwarming, the love scene was poetic, and the bear has me concerned. Who will it attack? Yes, I'm emotionally invested in this story.
Your instincts can prompt actions() you may regret- comma not needed here
Gima stirs and exhales throaty sound - 'a throaty sound' OR 'sounds'
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Rats!!! It won't let me give you a six, and this deserves one. The dad and son moment was heartwarming, the love scene was poetic, and the bear has me concerned. Who will it attack? Yes, I'm emotionally invested in this story.
Your instincts can prompt actions() you may regret- comma not needed here
Gima stirs and exhales throaty sound - 'a throaty sound' OR 'sounds'
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thank you PT for your fine review. I'm so happy that you are invested in this story. This is the first half of a complete write. Can't ever post the whole thing due to length. LOL
Thank you for the thought of a six. That counts with me. :) ellen
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I think I gave your 6 to your story about the author who goes nuts! But the book is getting better and better all the time.
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Oh, yeah my final autobiographical page. LOL It's all cool. This star thing is hard to keep up with. I just want advice on improving anything.
Hey, what happened with the BOM? Did you win? It just seemed to
disappear. Do you know who got second, third?
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Yes, I won BOM. I don't know who got 2nd, it was close last time I looked. I don't know why that contest doesn't go into the list of finished contests like everything else does. It's the same with story and poem of the month.
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Congratulations. Are you adding chapters to you book. It would sell, you know. Why didn't they announce it on page 1? I asked Tina55 and haven't heard if she got second or not. Who else was up for second? I forgot.
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Bear and Tine were neck and neck, so I think it's possible they tied. I have more written for my book. I just have to do a lot of reviewing cause I have no money to post.
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:)I didn't see anything on her profile. I'll check his.:)
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They always list the winners on their Facebook page for some reason.
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I'll look there again.
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Let me know when you find out.
Comment from Gungalo
I don't know how you do it, BD. The bear smells the blood on the brambles and soon there will be trpuble. Parents are away from the campsite and danger lurks. Sigh ...
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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I don't know how you do it, BD. The bear smells the blood on the brambles and soon there will be trpuble. Parents are away from the campsite and danger lurks. Sigh ...
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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This is the first half of a complete chapter. Thank you for the fine review and bear with me. LOL :) BD
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I will, I love it.
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
This is an intriguing chapter.
It's not easy to bestow human emotions onto alien creatures without them becoming human metaphors. But you're managed to keep the weirdness and still let the reader feel empathy with the characters. That's good writing.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi ellen
This is an intriguing chapter.
It's not easy to bestow human emotions onto alien creatures without them becoming human metaphors. But you're managed to keep the weirdness and still let the reader feel empathy with the characters. That's good writing.
Ron xox
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thank you, Ron. I try to keep them away from being human. The only one who doesn't look human is Blathen. Trell and Gima have physical skills and some senses are better than humans. Thank you again. :) ellen
Comment from hellion5
Wonderful interplay between father and son, and the love scene, as well. Trell sounds like a real "keeper." Does he have a brother? Just kidding.
I only noticed a few things:
takes him by the feet--if the kid's still sitting down, Dad's going to slam his head into the ground doing this--unless they have some special sense of balance or strength that prevents it, in which case, disregard and accept my apology
" So, go. I've got my Bowie.--"So, go
bellows and growls ripping bark--growls, ripping
Great work, hope this helps--
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Wonderful interplay between father and son, and the love scene, as well. Trell sounds like a real "keeper." Does he have a brother? Just kidding.
I only noticed a few things:
takes him by the feet--if the kid's still sitting down, Dad's going to slam his head into the ground doing this--unless they have some special sense of balance or strength that prevents it, in which case, disregard and accept my apology
" So, go. I've got my Bowie.--"So, go
bellows and growls ripping bark--growls, ripping
Great work, hope this helps--
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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LOL. I'll have to ask him if he has a brother. I know he has many cousins. LOL:) Thank you for worrying about Blathens' head. I changed that a bit. His is a small vermel so his head would probably been alright. Thank you so much for your comments and corrections. It's nice to see that Trell has another admirerer. :) barking dog
Comment from Shanev29
Very nicely done I must say I was a little confused at centian abrupt changes in the story.But by the end all came together .
Good job.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Very nicely done I must say I was a little confused at centian abrupt changes in the story.But by the end all came together .
Good job.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Your review is very helpful and I do appreciate the five stars. Thank you so much. I try to weave the story together as scenes with different characters occur simultaneously. Eventually, they all come together and the next posting will show that. Actually, this is the first have of a complete chapter. I have to break them up for posting on FS or no one will read them because of length. Thank you for seeing that it did some together as you read on.
Comment from c_lucas
This has been an interesting read. It is a good thing you have included a glossary, it helped. Good job.
Blathen stiffens to quite at his father's command. (quite=quiet???)
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reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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This has been an interesting read. It is a good thing you have included a glossary, it helped. Good job.
Blathen stiffens to quite at his father's command. (quite=quiet???)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Oops, another typo. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, charlie. :) ellen
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi barking dog,
Interesting story premise and fascinating new species for your characters. A couple of typos to fix though -
to quite at his father's - quiet
in the day to run to the steam, refill - stream
Patrick
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi barking dog,
Interesting story premise and fascinating new species for your characters. A couple of typos to fix though -
to quite at his father's - quiet
in the day to run to the steam, refill - stream
Patrick
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thank you for your review,generous five stars and catching the typos, Patrick.