The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "James meets with Marcy "A family learns their father is a serial killer
21 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
another good chapter, Sasha.... most enjoyable... you never disappoint, my friend.... needs a bit of tweaking here and there...
hair was neatly [neatly] pulled back - lose 2nd "neatly"
wore a blue(,) long-sleeve dress
She [with] (wore)a matching
Her long brown (hair was drawn i)nto a pony tail that
and wit(h)out saying - without
My, evil eddie has really done his worse with your author notes... he's so irritating.
Margaret
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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another good chapter, Sasha.... most enjoyable... you never disappoint, my friend.... needs a bit of tweaking here and there...
hair was neatly [neatly] pulled back - lose 2nd "neatly"
wore a blue(,) long-sleeve dress
She [with] (wore)a matching
Her long brown (hair was drawn i)nto a pony tail that
and wit(h)out saying - without
My, evil eddie has really done his worse with your author notes... he's so irritating.
Margaret
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. And I HATE Evil Eddie!!!
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You're not the only one.. but he's treating you even worse than he treats me. M
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
A great chapter - apart from the Egyptian hieroglyphics in your author's notes. You may need to use the advanced editor?
James has a problem that will not go away. Any girlfriend will always be afraid his father's evil might be buried inside him?
Ron
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Hi Smurphy
A great chapter - apart from the Egyptian hieroglyphics in your author's notes. You may need to use the advanced editor?
James has a problem that will not go away. Any girlfriend will always be afraid his father's evil might be buried inside him?
Ron
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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I used the advanced editor. Since I'm using a mexican keyboard, he ' often comes up in the writing as a question mark with a triangle (black) around it. I'll go fix that now.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha. What's the matter with this page? It's so I finally decided to copy it to Word...:) The contents is okay, though. Poor James is dumped because of his father. It's just normal to Mary Ellen's parents, though. Had she been my daughter, I would do the same...:)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Hi, Sasha. What's the matter with this page? It's so I finally decided to copy it to Word...:) The contents is okay, though. Poor James is dumped because of his father. It's just normal to Mary Ellen's parents, though. Had she been my daughter, I would do the same...:)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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I don't know what the problem is. It is in the formatting or something. I've tried but I cannot fix it.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Smurph,
Check the line below as you have a typo.
Hher long brown
This is another intriguing chapter that kept me engaged throughout. Too bad that Ellen broke up with James but I don't blame her. She would always wonder if his father's genes were passed down. You have good descriptive words that put me beside James as he spoke to Mac, who I think is there to help him. Well done....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Hi Smurph,
Check the line below as you have a typo.
Hher long brown
This is another intriguing chapter that kept me engaged throughout. Too bad that Ellen broke up with James but I don't blame her. She would always wonder if his father's genes were passed down. You have good descriptive words that put me beside James as he spoke to Mac, who I think is there to help him. Well done....blessings, chey
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the spag. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from Cranial Thinker
This is so sad the actions of one person is destroying the lives of an entire family,erasing every ones dreams,love lives,possibilities of real growth in a normal seting with
friends sharing things in common,actually causing life to
become unlivable and extremely isolatingly lonesome feeling hungering for an impartial friend a new conversation of a
different kind on a light side of a subject,even mondain
would be so very welcomed for the sake of regularity and normalcy....I am truly loving this my friend please keep on
writing as this is so very good....Cranial Thinker
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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This is so sad the actions of one person is destroying the lives of an entire family,erasing every ones dreams,love lives,possibilities of real growth in a normal seting with
friends sharing things in common,actually causing life to
become unlivable and extremely isolatingly lonesome feeling hungering for an impartial friend a new conversation of a
different kind on a light side of a subject,even mondain
would be so very welcomed for the sake of regularity and normalcy....I am truly loving this my friend please keep on
writing as this is so very good....Cranial Thinker
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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The difficulties families in this situation endure is horrific and so unfair. My heart goes out to all of them.
Comment from Halfree
Very good chapter, just the right amount of tension. D=Some good dialog in this chapter also. I like the what you build suspense...leading the reader on.
Mac is developing well too...you must have a real-life cop you are using as a model..
Am really enjoying this story.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Very good chapter, just the right amount of tension. D=Some good dialog in this chapter also. I like the what you build suspense...leading the reader on.
Mac is developing well too...you must have a real-life cop you are using as a model..
Am really enjoying this story.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Yes, I am using my dear friend Mike a detective for the Seattle Vice Department.
Comment from axelbeariter
She was wearing a blue long-sleeve dress with a matching sweater./Use an active voice wherever you can: She wore a blue long-sleeve dress with a matching sweater. Her long brown hair was neatly pulled back into a pony tail that swished back and forth as she moved her head.----Without thebodies, we are pretty much stuck."/Separate thebodies----Another great and well written.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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She was wearing a blue long-sleeve dress with a matching sweater./Use an active voice wherever you can: She wore a blue long-sleeve dress with a matching sweater. Her long brown hair was neatly pulled back into a pony tail that swished back and forth as she moved her head.----Without thebodies, we are pretty much stuck."/Separate thebodies----Another great and well written.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags and for the suggestions.
Comment from bookishfabler
I was going to give a four because I noted quite a few things, however, many are not wrong, just suggestions to make it more realistic, or flow better. Here we go.
Her long brown hair was neatly pulled back into a pony tail that swished back and forth as she moved her head.
She wore her long brown hair neatly pulled back in a ponytail. (Nothing wrong with yours, but if you can avoid a passive sentence, why not do it.)
"I am (I'm)sorry it took me so long to call you
I have (I've) worked too hard to get
I was or how far I had (I'd)run.
None of this is wrong, but when in speech it sounds more natural.)
I was not (wasn't) in the mood for games.
it is (it's)a coincidence
I haven't followed your character, so maybe he does talk like this. If so, ignore this.
There are more.
"Well(,) screw you!" I
"Talk to me(,) James.
Mac stood up(,) and with a grin on his face(,)m shook his head. "
Mac paused as Betty placed two cups of coffee on the table in front of us. She placed her hand on Mac's shoulder and winked at me. ( you use 'placed twice too close together, how about she set two cups of coffee down in front of us?)
I shrugged. "No reason. We just stopped."
Mac's expression turned serious again.
(editor issue, just skip a line)
It is nice to see some of your work. Thanks for sharing
hugs
Heidi
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I was going to give a four because I noted quite a few things, however, many are not wrong, just suggestions to make it more realistic, or flow better. Here we go.
Her long brown hair was neatly pulled back into a pony tail that swished back and forth as she moved her head.
She wore her long brown hair neatly pulled back in a ponytail. (Nothing wrong with yours, but if you can avoid a passive sentence, why not do it.)
"I am (I'm)sorry it took me so long to call you
I have (I've) worked too hard to get
I was or how far I had (I'd)run.
None of this is wrong, but when in speech it sounds more natural.)
I was not (wasn't) in the mood for games.
it is (it's)a coincidence
I haven't followed your character, so maybe he does talk like this. If so, ignore this.
There are more.
"Well(,) screw you!" I
"Talk to me(,) James.
Mac stood up(,) and with a grin on his face(,)m shook his head. "
Mac paused as Betty placed two cups of coffee on the table in front of us. She placed her hand on Mac's shoulder and winked at me. ( you use 'placed twice too close together, how about she set two cups of coffee down in front of us?)
I shrugged. "No reason. We just stopped."
Mac's expression turned serious again.
(editor issue, just skip a line)
It is nice to see some of your work. Thanks for sharing
hugs
Heidi
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from adewpearl
dress with a matching sweeter - sweater
The waitress offered me a menu, but I - add comma
I have plans for my life, and they - add comma
I have worked hard to get to where I am, and - add comma
She was going to be a doctor, and - add comma
The formatting of this chapter has me needing to scroll sidewise to read the final several words of each line
I must admit I have little patience for that, so I've not proofed the final words of many lines :-)
that's the way it's usually works - it usually
Talk to me, James - add comma
I'll tell you what I can, - add comma
You don't have to worry about me or Mr. Hurley, and - add comma
James, your Dad needs to feel - dad - not used as his name in this sentence
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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dress with a matching sweeter - sweater
The waitress offered me a menu, but I - add comma
I have plans for my life, and they - add comma
I have worked hard to get to where I am, and - add comma
She was going to be a doctor, and - add comma
The formatting of this chapter has me needing to scroll sidewise to read the final several words of each line
I must admit I have little patience for that, so I've not proofed the final words of many lines :-)
that's the way it's usually works - it usually
Talk to me, James - add comma
I'll tell you what I can, - add comma
You don't have to worry about me or Mr. Hurley, and - add comma
James, your Dad needs to feel - dad - not used as his name in this sentence
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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My goodness, you must get so tired of correcting my work!!! Thanks for the continued patience and awesome help.
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It's just in my nature to be saintly LOL :-)
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It certainly isn't in my nature.
Comment from Janie King
There's still an eerie feeling about this thing with mary Ellen..it may be his dad is playing with James' mind..oh dear..this is taking too long for me to find out...I'm a read a book all night to finish person. God bless.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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There's still an eerie feeling about this thing with mary Ellen..it may be his dad is playing with James' mind..oh dear..this is taking too long for me to find out...I'm a read a book all night to finish person. God bless.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 29-Feb-2012
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I'm typing as fast as I can. I am thrilled you are enjoying this.