The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Charlie Returns"A family learns their father is a serial killer
23 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again you did a good job describing the emotion of the situation. I can understand Charlie's feelings.
"Got any Milk?" (lower case 'm' on milk)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Once again you did a good job describing the emotion of the situation. I can understand Charlie's feelings.
"Got any Milk?" (lower case 'm' on milk)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching the spag. I am pleased you liked this chapter.
Comment from CHarte
Another great chapter! Brothers are fiercely protective of their sisters and right or wrong most would have wanted to do the same as Charlie.
Collette
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Another great chapter! Brothers are fiercely protective of their sisters and right or wrong most would have wanted to do the same as Charlie.
Collette
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I agree completely.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
My gut refused to listen - here, since he has did "listen" -might I suggest.. perhaps something like...
My gut refused to believe that.
Charlie stomped (off)after we got - might I suggest you add "off" here
Of the eight photographs(,) 4 were identified as
OMG.. what an evil man.. makes one cringe.
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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My gut refused to listen - here, since he has did "listen" -might I suggest.. perhaps something like...
My gut refused to believe that.
Charlie stomped (off)after we got - might I suggest you add "off" here
Of the eight photographs(,) 4 were identified as
OMG.. what an evil man.. makes one cringe.
Margaret
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching that. Yes, Billy is really a bottom feeder.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
1. After thirty-minutes [past ==> pass] with no sign of Charlie, my imagination kicked into full gear. {Time passses. Time past has already occurred.}
2. "Yes. Charlie stomped [out] after we got back from the hospital." {I think you need the word 'out' for a complete sentence.}
3. "James, Mr. Hurley warned you and Charlie about keeping a low profile. Personally, I'd like a few minutes in a room with Billy myself, but beating the crap out of him would only make an already bad situation worse."[Mac is certainly sympathetic, but also reminds James:
"If you remember, he took a swing at me the first time we met. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see he has a bad temper with poor impulse control.}
4. It is understandable that Charlie had started out to find Billy. I like the powerful interchange once Charlie was returned to the hotel:
Charlie stood with his hands behind his back while staring at the floor. Mom was still angry and grabbed Charlie by the arm and shook him. "Damn it, what the hell were you thinking? That's all this family needs is another scandal. I can see the headlines now, "Serial Killer's son follows in his father's footsteps and kills his sister's boyfriend."
Mom was so angry she was shaking. Charlie began to cry. "Mom, I wasn't going to kill him. I just wanted to teach him a lesson."
"Listen to me, young man. It is not up to you to teach anyone a lesson. Mr. Hurley has been working on filing a lawsuit against Billy for slander. By the time I get done with him and his family, they will wish they had never messed with this family." {Now at least Mon has started to act like a mother again.}
This is another dramatic Chapter. It seems that almost anything can happen with the emotional state pf the Mathews family.
Keep up the great writing!
More love and Irish hugs for your wonderful storytelling,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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1. After thirty-minutes [past ==> pass] with no sign of Charlie, my imagination kicked into full gear. {Time passses. Time past has already occurred.}
2. "Yes. Charlie stomped [out] after we got back from the hospital." {I think you need the word 'out' for a complete sentence.}
3. "James, Mr. Hurley warned you and Charlie about keeping a low profile. Personally, I'd like a few minutes in a room with Billy myself, but beating the crap out of him would only make an already bad situation worse."[Mac is certainly sympathetic, but also reminds James:
"If you remember, he took a swing at me the first time we met. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see he has a bad temper with poor impulse control.}
4. It is understandable that Charlie had started out to find Billy. I like the powerful interchange once Charlie was returned to the hotel:
Charlie stood with his hands behind his back while staring at the floor. Mom was still angry and grabbed Charlie by the arm and shook him. "Damn it, what the hell were you thinking? That's all this family needs is another scandal. I can see the headlines now, "Serial Killer's son follows in his father's footsteps and kills his sister's boyfriend."
Mom was so angry she was shaking. Charlie began to cry. "Mom, I wasn't going to kill him. I just wanted to teach him a lesson."
"Listen to me, young man. It is not up to you to teach anyone a lesson. Mr. Hurley has been working on filing a lawsuit against Billy for slander. By the time I get done with him and his family, they will wish they had never messed with this family." {Now at least Mon has started to act like a mother again.}
This is another dramatic Chapter. It seems that almost anything can happen with the emotional state pf the Mathews family.
Keep up the great writing!
More love and Irish hugs for your wonderful storytelling,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching both the spags. I am so pleased you continue to enjoy this.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
1st line: After 30 min [passed]...
This short chapter has been a relief to read. It is nice to know the situation is under control, thanks to an efficient police force. (Sometimes I get tired of reading stories about corrupt police) Giddy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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1st line: After 30 min [passed]...
This short chapter has been a relief to read. It is nice to know the situation is under control, thanks to an efficient police force. (Sometimes I get tired of reading stories about corrupt police) Giddy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Me too. Being a police officer is very difficult job. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from Alaskastory
'Charlie Returns' is another well done chapter, Sasha. I like the way you detail how the family, this time Charlie, has been impacted. Enjoyable read!!
typo: 'Mac stood up[n] and looking at...
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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'Charlie Returns' is another well done chapter, Sasha. I like the way you detail how the family, this time Charlie, has been impacted. Enjoyable read!!
typo: 'Mac stood up[n] and looking at...
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Lately, every time I try to type a comma I hit the n. I will go back and fix that. I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from axelbeariter
It seems Elvis has left the building."/This is a great cliche, but a cliche nonetheless and we writers are told to avoid using them like the plague (another cliche). However, if the speaker, in some way, identifies it as a cliche, it is acceptable. One way of solving this for your statement would be a short line of italicized internal dialogue following the spoken dialogue such as; That worn cliche fits the occasion or something on that order.----"Yeah, there's some in the frig."/frig is spelled fridge----It doesn't take a rocket scientist/Another cliche--Rework if possible to sound original----Detective Acers has already found Charlie/Acers should read Acres----I was angry with Mac for not telling me sooner--"Why the hell didn't you tell me that when you got here?/Earlier, your dialogue said the same thing making one of those phrases redundant----Mac stood upn and looking/upn should read up----Mom's words touched a sore spot. I could think of at least twelve families that already wished they never heard of our family./Great observation----Another terrific chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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It seems Elvis has left the building."/This is a great cliche, but a cliche nonetheless and we writers are told to avoid using them like the plague (another cliche). However, if the speaker, in some way, identifies it as a cliche, it is acceptable. One way of solving this for your statement would be a short line of italicized internal dialogue following the spoken dialogue such as; That worn cliche fits the occasion or something on that order.----"Yeah, there's some in the frig."/frig is spelled fridge----It doesn't take a rocket scientist/Another cliche--Rework if possible to sound original----Detective Acers has already found Charlie/Acers should read Acres----I was angry with Mac for not telling me sooner--"Why the hell didn't you tell me that when you got here?/Earlier, your dialogue said the same thing making one of those phrases redundant----Mac stood upn and looking/upn should read up----Mom's words touched a sore spot. I could think of at least twelve families that already wished they never heard of our family./Great observation----Another terrific chapter.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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I agree with what you are saying about cliches but in dialogue cliches are quite common. I write the way I talk and the way people I talk to talk and cliches are a major part of our dialogues. I think it is important to pay attention to 'the correct and accepted form of writing' but at the same time if dialogue is to be real it will contain cliches. The people in my book are ordinary everyday people...okay James is not ordinary...but ordinary people do use cliches. I feel the dialogue is real. I do like the suggestions you made about redundant phrases and I will go back over this and rework it.
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I see what you mean. I'm definitely wrong in my critique on that. Even though I prefer to rework my possible cliches in all cases, I realize that in dialogue it is not necessary, so forgive my overlooking that your cliches were in dialogue. I'm not perfect either. Axel
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I am anything BUT perfect. I value you opinions and hope you will continue to offer them.
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Of course I will. I didn't mean to offend you, if that's what happened. I just pointed out that you were right and I was wrong. I still love your story and writing. Axel
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You didn't offend me in the least.
Comment from Joan E.
I could appreciate Mac trying for levity under the circumstance and forgive Mom for being furious both due to worry and the reality of the situation. Thank you for clarifying the numbers in your note. -Joan
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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I could appreciate Mac trying for levity under the circumstance and forgive Mom for being furious both due to worry and the reality of the situation. Thank you for clarifying the numbers in your note. -Joan
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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I have a cheat sheet to follow so I don't get confused. Glad you like the humor and understand Mom's anger.
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Thanks for letting us in on part of your process--we'll never tell your readers! -J
Comment from c_lucas
What Billy needs is an old time revival and having James read him from the good book chapter and verse with a few amens from the choir. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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What Billy needs is an old time revival and having James read him from the good book chapter and verse with a few amens from the choir. This is very well written.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Sounds good to me. Glad you like this one.
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You're welcome, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from Bojenn
Again! Very good! I guess I didn't catch your last story since the father was being sought so I will need to read it....
Good job. Really holds me. It reminds me of the TV show Dexter, I don't know why, but it does as you get up close to the family dynamics.
Bojenn
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Again! Very good! I guess I didn't catch your last story since the father was being sought so I will need to read it....
Good job. Really holds me. It reminds me of the TV show Dexter, I don't know why, but it does as you get up close to the family dynamics.
Bojenn
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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This is a story about the family of a serial killer and how they are forced to deal with the horrific reality of what he did. Hope you like it.