The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Detective MacKinnon"A family learns their father is a serial killer
25 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
This is an intense chapter which puts a tremendous psychological strain on James as the only family member who knows what the future holds. As usual, I have some specic comments, but no suggestions:
1. Still shaking, I put the plastic bags into my backpack, opened the car door, and placed it and the toolbox on the passenger seat. I got into the car and drove directly to the police department. I prayed Dad was not the killer, but if he was, he had to be stopped. {Thank God James not only had a high IQ, his mother had helped him develop a conscience. He couldn't let his discovery rest. What a tragic decision he had to make.]
2. Looking back, I find it interesting my doubt that Dad might be the killer barely lasted a few seconds. To me, the photographs and jewelry posed questions that led to only one conclusion.... Although he had never raised a hand against my mother, sister, brother, or me, he was a closet drunk and his need for total control, bordered obsession. None of this made him a killer but I could not ignore what I had found. {With his intelligence, I can understand how James came to the conclusions and actions that took him to the police. Great writing.}
3. I waited alone in the interrogation room for more than an hour before Detective Mac returned. His face was pale and his expression spoke volumes. "It will take a while for forensics to provide more information, but six of the eight photographs have been positively identified as victims of the Belltown killer."
Although I knew in my heart that Dad was the killer, hearing it said aloud was more than I could take. The room began to spin. I felt Detective Mac grab me before my head hit the floor.{Now reality is confirming James' worst fears. No action could better confirm the real shock that has set in.}
4. The realization my father was the prime suspect in at least twelve vicious murders brought my usually boring life to a complete halt. The most difficult aspect was I couldn't tell anyone. Detective Mac made it very clear that while they had enough evidence to bring Dad in for questioning, they had to wait for forensics to confirm what we already suspected. DNA would take the longest. It isn't like CSI. No matter how important the case, the results don't come in overnight. {Waiting for even expected results, wears on the nerves of the most callused person. It challenges my imagination to think about what James was going through.]
5. Unable to sleep or go to school, I spent every minute of the following two days thinking about the case. I drove Detective Mac crazy with so many phone calls he stopped answering the phone. When I showed up at the police station two days in a row refusing to leave until I spoke with him, he finally gave in and agreed to keep me apprised of what was going on.
"James, I am breaking all the rules by talking to you, so if you don't want to end up on the wrong end of my gun, you will keep your mouth shut and not repeat anything I tell you." {Mac obviously recognized that he needed to make ?concessions to the young genius, and it is not surprising that he revealed how James, father would be arrested as he left for work.}
6. He paused to let the reality of what was happening sink in before telling me to go home. "You need to be with your family now. Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of their lives. They are going to be upset, confused, and angry. I know from experience, it isn't going to be easy for them to accept that the man they thought they knew is not only a stranger, but a killer as well." {So now the long wait starts, before all their lives will be blown appart. What a burden James must carry knowing what is about to happen.
Now I am ready to pick up the story where it has been hibernating. I am happy that you are bringing it back to life. I still think this is an incredible story with tension in every word.
Love and Irish hugs for your magnificent writing.
Roger
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
This is an intense chapter which puts a tremendous psychological strain on James as the only family member who knows what the future holds. As usual, I have some specic comments, but no suggestions:
1. Still shaking, I put the plastic bags into my backpack, opened the car door, and placed it and the toolbox on the passenger seat. I got into the car and drove directly to the police department. I prayed Dad was not the killer, but if he was, he had to be stopped. {Thank God James not only had a high IQ, his mother had helped him develop a conscience. He couldn't let his discovery rest. What a tragic decision he had to make.]
2. Looking back, I find it interesting my doubt that Dad might be the killer barely lasted a few seconds. To me, the photographs and jewelry posed questions that led to only one conclusion.... Although he had never raised a hand against my mother, sister, brother, or me, he was a closet drunk and his need for total control, bordered obsession. None of this made him a killer but I could not ignore what I had found. {With his intelligence, I can understand how James came to the conclusions and actions that took him to the police. Great writing.}
3. I waited alone in the interrogation room for more than an hour before Detective Mac returned. His face was pale and his expression spoke volumes. "It will take a while for forensics to provide more information, but six of the eight photographs have been positively identified as victims of the Belltown killer."
Although I knew in my heart that Dad was the killer, hearing it said aloud was more than I could take. The room began to spin. I felt Detective Mac grab me before my head hit the floor.{Now reality is confirming James' worst fears. No action could better confirm the real shock that has set in.}
4. The realization my father was the prime suspect in at least twelve vicious murders brought my usually boring life to a complete halt. The most difficult aspect was I couldn't tell anyone. Detective Mac made it very clear that while they had enough evidence to bring Dad in for questioning, they had to wait for forensics to confirm what we already suspected. DNA would take the longest. It isn't like CSI. No matter how important the case, the results don't come in overnight. {Waiting for even expected results, wears on the nerves of the most callused person. It challenges my imagination to think about what James was going through.]
5. Unable to sleep or go to school, I spent every minute of the following two days thinking about the case. I drove Detective Mac crazy with so many phone calls he stopped answering the phone. When I showed up at the police station two days in a row refusing to leave until I spoke with him, he finally gave in and agreed to keep me apprised of what was going on.
"James, I am breaking all the rules by talking to you, so if you don't want to end up on the wrong end of my gun, you will keep your mouth shut and not repeat anything I tell you." {Mac obviously recognized that he needed to make ?concessions to the young genius, and it is not surprising that he revealed how James, father would be arrested as he left for work.}
6. He paused to let the reality of what was happening sink in before telling me to go home. "You need to be with your family now. Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of their lives. They are going to be upset, confused, and angry. I know from experience, it isn't going to be easy for them to accept that the man they thought they knew is not only a stranger, but a killer as well." {So now the long wait starts, before all their lives will be blown appart. What a burden James must carry knowing what is about to happen.
Now I am ready to pick up the story where it has been hibernating. I am happy that you are bringing it back to life. I still think this is an incredible story with tension in every word.
Love and Irish hugs for your magnificent writing.
Roger
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much for the detailed and enthusiastically positive critique of this last chapter. I am more than thrilled you continue to enjoy it. I am obviously not as smart as James since I cannot count. The promised changes in chapter 5 actually occur in chapter 6...chapter 5 is only slightly edited. I hope you can wait one more chapter for the changes I promised.
Comment from emmaysavage
I am really enjoying this story. I like the characters so far and the way you make them into individuals. You do a good job of supplying necessary detail without getting tied up in it, and you don't seem as attracted to gore as many writers.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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I am really enjoying this story. I like the characters so far and the way you make them into individuals. You do a good job of supplying necessary detail without getting tied up in it, and you don't seem as attracted to gore as many writers.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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I am definitely not a fan of gore. I prefer to let the reader's imagination fill in all the pieces....lol
Comment from RebelRose
All of this sounds pretty familiar but just as interesting and exciting as the first time I read it. It must be devastating to learn such a thing about your own father.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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All of this sounds pretty familiar but just as interesting and exciting as the first time I read it. It must be devastating to learn such a thing about your own father.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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The first 5 chapters only have minor changes. Chapter 6 is where the major shift in the story begins. I am pleased you still enjoyed this one.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
there's an awful lot of
evidence to point the finger.
Poor James, what a burden
he carries on his young shoulders..
inapporpriate
inappropriate
Most enjoyable, Sasha.
Margaret
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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there's an awful lot of
evidence to point the finger.
Poor James, what a burden
he carries on his young shoulders..
inapporpriate
inappropriate
Most enjoyable, Sasha.
Margaret
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching the spag. Yes, this is a lot for anyone to have to carry.
Comment from Deejharrington
The amazing thing about how you "give" us James is how easy it is to be in his shoes. Even though finding out a close relative is a serial killer is unusual, the reader can relate to James' feelings and what he is going through. So very well done!
deb
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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The amazing thing about how you "give" us James is how easy it is to be in his shoes. Even though finding out a close relative is a serial killer is unusual, the reader can relate to James' feelings and what he is going through. So very well done!
deb
Comment Written 02-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Thank you for your enthusiastic comments. I sincerely appreciate them.
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You're very welcome
deb
Comment from Janie King
Oh, this would be a horrible situation for a child to be in...this is well-written and definitely paints many pictures in the readers mind..I'm glad this is a fiction story. God bless.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Oh, this would be a horrible situation for a child to be in...this is well-written and definitely paints many pictures in the readers mind..I'm glad this is a fiction story. God bless.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Yes, this is fiction but unfortunately based on a combination of several true stories. It is a situation that most, including myself, would find horrific to be in.
Comment from c_lucas
Bravo! This a much stronger write. It have a smooth flow of words, revealing the turmoil James is feeling and letting Det. Mac take on the role of a surrogate father.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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Bravo! This a much stronger write. It have a smooth flow of words, revealing the turmoil James is feeling and letting Det. Mac take on the role of a surrogate father.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2012
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You are right, Mac definitely will be assuming the role of surrogate father. You are the first to notice this. I am so pleased you like the rewrite.
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You're welcome, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from CHarte
What a terrible situation to be in, poor James'.
Another wonderful chapter. Well written with an easy flow. I am enjoying the story so far.
collette
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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What a terrible situation to be in, poor James'.
Another wonderful chapter. Well written with an easy flow. I am enjoying the story so far.
collette
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks you very much. I am pleased you are enjoying this so far.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, though this chapter is not too shocking to me (due to third reading), it is very descriptive, informative and well written/rewritten. ( please note: inappropriate instead of inaporopriate; go home instead of go, home)
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Hi, Sasha, though this chapter is not too shocking to me (due to third reading), it is very descriptive, informative and well written/rewritten. ( please note: inappropriate instead of inaporopriate; go home instead of go, home)
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags. The next chapter doesn't have many changes. Chapter 5 is where they begin.
Comment from axelbeariter
I was looking for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box./Use an active voice: I looked for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box.----they looked similar in both size and color./Drop both----With nothing left to do but wait, Detective Mac told me to go, home saying he would call me later./Re-write: With nothing left to do but wait, Detective Mac told me to go home, saying he would call me later.----Unable to calm my racing heart, I leaned back and with my eyes closed, felt the lump in my throat grow larger with each beat of my heart. Barely able to breathe, I felt my chest suddenly heave. Unable to stop the sobs fighting to get out, I cried until there were no tears left to shed./One great passage of character sketches----Wonderful.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I was looking for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box./Use an active voice: I looked for a screwdriver in the garage when I mistakenly opened Dad's tackle box.----they looked similar in both size and color./Drop both----With nothing left to do but wait, Detective Mac told me to go, home saying he would call me later./Re-write: With nothing left to do but wait, Detective Mac told me to go home, saying he would call me later.----Unable to calm my racing heart, I leaned back and with my eyes closed, felt the lump in my throat grow larger with each beat of my heart. Barely able to breathe, I felt my chest suddenly heave. Unable to stop the sobs fighting to get out, I cried until there were no tears left to shed./One great passage of character sketches----Wonderful.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions. I'll go back over this chapter and make the changes. I am pleased you liked this one.