The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Waiting Game"A family learns their father is a serial killer
26 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
I don't quite have an eidetic memory, although I come close on written material, so I find myself weighing your revision against your first graph. I will try to keep that from affecting my objectivity.
I really like this opening chapter. I think it demonstrates the extraordinary intelligence of James early enough in the story for readers to more fully understand his actions.
You also establish what his father is a serial killer and James has turned him in. What a burden for a son to bear, and now he knows how his family will react. His family will never be the same.Let him oper the door to an uncertain future.
I'm glad that James is back.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
I don't quite have an eidetic memory, although I come close on written material, so I find myself weighing your revision against your first graph. I will try to keep that from affecting my objectivity.
I really like this opening chapter. I think it demonstrates the extraordinary intelligence of James early enough in the story for readers to more fully understand his actions.
You also establish what his father is a serial killer and James has turned him in. What a burden for a son to bear, and now he knows how his family will react. His family will never be the same.Let him oper the door to an uncertain future.
I'm glad that James is back.
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I haven't made many changes in the first 5 chapters. The major shift in the story will come in chapter 6. I am pleased that you are glad James is back.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Of course this explains a lot. I feel more in touch with things now and this chapter has really honed in on exactly what is happening. You did a great job of giving us an image of James in absolute turmoil over his father's arrest. Giddy
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Of course this explains a lot. I feel more in touch with things now and this chapter has really honed in on exactly what is happening. You did a great job of giving us an image of James in absolute turmoil over his father's arrest. Giddy
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Once the rest of the family learns what's going on the turmoil becomes chaos...
Comment from RebelRose
I'd hate to be in the position James is in. Poor boy. This is just the beginning of his nightmare. I am still loving the story. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I'd hate to be in the position James is in. Poor boy. This is just the beginning of his nightmare. I am still loving the story. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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Yes, this is just the beginning of the whole family's nightmare.
Comment from eliz100
This was another good read from beginning to end. You did a great job in having James reflect on what happened and what is going to happen.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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This was another good read from beginning to end. You did a great job in having James reflect on what happened and what is going to happen.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012
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I am so pleased you liked this one. Since this is my third attempt at rewriting this I better get it right this time...I am not up to a fourth!
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Sasha, I don't know whether you have rewritten this chapter or not, but I'm glad to see James again, and I think he remains the same in his actions, reactions, and way of thinking. I look forward to the next.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Hi, Sasha, I don't know whether you have rewritten this chapter or not, but I'm glad to see James again, and I think he remains the same in his actions, reactions, and way of thinking. I look forward to the next.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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The changes in this chapter are minor. The major changes will be in upcoming chapters.
Comment from axelbeariter
I have an eidetic memory, graduated from high school at age twelve, and received a master's degree in Biocultural Anthropology from the University of Washington at sixteen. Over the past three years I have been working toward my Ph.D. in paleobiology with my primary focus on mid-Cenozoic 'greenhouse' and 'icehouse' transition. Everything I once thought was important seems foolish and pointless./This section, written in mixed first/third person, cannot be part of a flashback.----This is so well written that, at first, when I read the passage in question, I wasn't even sure about my comment. After re-reading it many times, I was convinced something needed to be fixed. Still, it's intensely interesting and I believe it will garner much traffic when the word gets out.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I have an eidetic memory, graduated from high school at age twelve, and received a master's degree in Biocultural Anthropology from the University of Washington at sixteen. Over the past three years I have been working toward my Ph.D. in paleobiology with my primary focus on mid-Cenozoic 'greenhouse' and 'icehouse' transition. Everything I once thought was important seems foolish and pointless./This section, written in mixed first/third person, cannot be part of a flashback.----This is so well written that, at first, when I read the passage in question, I wasn't even sure about my comment. After re-reading it many times, I was convinced something needed to be fixed. Still, it's intensely interesting and I believe it will garner much traffic when the word gets out.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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You are right. This is not a traditional flashback but rather a memory of an event that a took place earlier. I will go back over this and try to fix it.
Comment from Veronica Grace
Wait, did I get this backwards, I think I read chapter two first. Anyway this is very interesting as well and I am really looking to the rest. I saw nothing to change or crit.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Wait, did I get this backwards, I think I read chapter two first. Anyway this is very interesting as well and I am really looking to the rest. I saw nothing to change or crit.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Yes, but you still got the story right. Glad you liked it.
Comment from c_lucas
This appears to be a stronger opening than the last book's opening. James is still stand-offish and I noticed you did not mention him turning evidence of his father's misdeed over to the police.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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This appears to be a stronger opening than the last book's opening. James is still stand-offish and I noticed you did not mention him turning evidence of his father's misdeed over to the police.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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I am pleased you think this is a stronger opening, that was my hope. In the first chapters a lot remains the same but the major changes will appear quick enough...at least I hope the seem quick.
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You're welcome. Sasha. Charlie
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
The good old days of FanStory are back with the return of James.
Yep. The God like power of an author to create people is indeed awesome!
Ron
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Hi Smurphy
The good old days of FanStory are back with the return of James.
Yep. The God like power of an author to create people is indeed awesome!
Ron
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Poor James has been sitting in limbo for far too long. I promise to finish this one this time round/
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
such a great write...
pulling the reader right in
and keeping their interest
throughout.
Might I suggest you split that 1st para.. starting 2nd at By the age of five....
Margaret
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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such a great write...
pulling the reader right in
and keeping their interest
throughout.
Might I suggest you split that 1st para.. starting 2nd at By the age of five....
Margaret
Comment Written 31-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012
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Thanks for the suggestion. I will break up that paragraph,.