Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "The Great Pyramid Race"A collection of my poems
26 total reviews
Comment from the blue pixel
Written in gorgeous Banjo Patterson style. I would like to think that everyone would appreciate the wonderful Austrliana in this poem Steve but it won't prevent them from appreciating what a wonderful story teller you are. The story is told in an absolutely seamless flow and perfect rhyme. You are the King of this style of writing in my book. xxx Pix
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Written in gorgeous Banjo Patterson style. I would like to think that everyone would appreciate the wonderful Austrliana in this poem Steve but it won't prevent them from appreciating what a wonderful story teller you are. The story is told in an absolutely seamless flow and perfect rhyme. You are the King of this style of writing in my book. xxx Pix
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thank you - I'll take six stars from you as an extra-huge compliment!
Did you pick that I actually borrowed the stanza form from 'the Man From Snowy River' so your Banjo comment is spot on?
Steve
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It was impossible to miss it Steve. I wonder how reviewers from the U.S. and elsewhere undertood your poem?
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It was impossible to miss it Steve. I wonder how reviewers from the U.S. and elsewhere undertood your poem?
Comment from RavensWord
It's a poem within a story within a poem. I'm out of breath and have had a wonderful trip to Gordonvale to boot. The meter races along with the rhymes that scoop up the reader rushing them to the finish. Great writing! RW
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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It's a poem within a story within a poem. I'm out of breath and have had a wonderful trip to Gordonvale to boot. The meter races along with the rhymes that scoop up the reader rushing them to the finish. Great writing! RW
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thank you so much for the kind words and the six stars!
I actually borrowed the stanza form from 'the Man From Snowy River', one of Australia's most famous poem so the racing rushing meter is down to his tale of the stockman tracking down a bunch of wild horses.
Thanks again.
Steve
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Doesn't matter if you begged, borrowed or stole the stanza form it's still a great poem, and you most welcome.RW
Comment from Piggies Grandma
Wow, the poor turkey must have been building the nest for centuries. I enjoyed reading your poem kiwi, it is cleverly written and well thought out. Are you going in the race? Good luck if you are.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Wow, the poor turkey must have been building the nest for centuries. I enjoyed reading your poem kiwi, it is cleverly written and well thought out. Are you going in the race? Good luck if you are.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Well he was a legendary turkey akin to the Rainbow Serpent, so he was probably pretty big!
Thanks for the kind words.
Do I sound crazy enough to want to torture myself? - I will get puffed just watching from the sidelines.
Steve
Comment from chita
Your author notes are superb-you have good imagery and your poem rhymes well-you really give great edetail about this race that happens in your country-I love how you write about all the excitement and children being around-and you also give good tips for the race--great job.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Your author notes are superb-you have good imagery and your poem rhymes well-you really give great edetail about this race that happens in your country-I love how you write about all the excitement and children being around-and you also give good tips for the race--great job.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thank you, Chita - I am glad you enjoyed the poem.
Steve
Comment from moyramouse
This has a feel of Rudyard Kipling about it, Steve! I thoroughly enjoyed it and the way you told the story of this great race and all the excitement that goes with it. It is a brilliant poem to say aloud - it would go down a storm at a poetry slam! I loved the line about Moses lying inside! ( it also had assonance and alliteration!!) but my favourite line to say aloud was 'Going down's a free-form free-fall, full of trips and slips and frights' xxxmouse
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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This has a feel of Rudyard Kipling about it, Steve! I thoroughly enjoyed it and the way you told the story of this great race and all the excitement that goes with it. It is a brilliant poem to say aloud - it would go down a storm at a poetry slam! I loved the line about Moses lying inside! ( it also had assonance and alliteration!!) but my favourite line to say aloud was 'Going down's a free-form free-fall, full of trips and slips and frights' xxxmouse
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Now there's someone I've never been compared to before!
If I could write like him and be as clever,
Or come up with a title quite as brief;
If I penned phrases that were loved forever;
If all around were moved to mirth or grief;
If I could fill the critic's heart with honey
And cheer the hoi polloi with harmless fun-
I'd never want again for fame or money;
I'd retire and spend my dotage in the sun!
'full of trips and slips and frights' just about describes that line!
Have sent this to the race organising committee and to the local rag to see if they want to do anything with it.
Thanks so much for the six stars - it means more coming from someone whose own work I respect and admire.
Steve
Comment from barkingdog
This tale of the race is very descriptive and I feel that I was there at the Fair watching the contestants ' scramble, 'cross the rocks and through the scrub,'and then shriek with pain as they 'free-form free-fall, full of trips and slips and frights,' down the hill.(that last quote was a fantastic alliteration by the way!)
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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This tale of the race is very descriptive and I feel that I was there at the Fair watching the contestants ' scramble, 'cross the rocks and through the scrub,'and then shriek with pain as they 'free-form free-fall, full of trips and slips and frights,' down the hill.(that last quote was a fantastic alliteration by the way!)
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thanks, bd. I hope no one ever asks me to read it aloud - not sure if I could scramble through that line without tripping over my own tongue!
Steve
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for sure. LOL:)BD
Comment from jackpeg
Great work with the anapestic heptameter construction, Stephen. This sounds like quite an arduous event, and for nothing more than a case of beer. I found two lines that I could not scan as anapestic hep. They are:
"But for just one day in August, the whole place gets in a flap." and
"And you're thinking that you'd rather be at the flamin' pub." It may just be my Yankee ear, and not your kiwi expressions. It's still a fun read.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Great work with the anapestic heptameter construction, Stephen. This sounds like quite an arduous event, and for nothing more than a case of beer. I found two lines that I could not scan as anapestic hep. They are:
"But for just one day in August, the whole place gets in a flap." and
"And you're thinking that you'd rather be at the flamin' pub." It may just be my Yankee ear, and not your kiwi expressions. It's still a fun read.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thanks for your sharp ear - the problem probably is that I didn't know I was writing anapaestic - I borrowed the stanza form from Australia's most famous poem - The Man from Snowy River. I got lost a couple of times, so I probably need to go back to those lines and take a second look - can't blame Kiwi-ese for that!
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
The King of Walsh's Pyramid race - I am intrigued
Good use of abab rhymes in your octets, and I love the specific detail in this story poem.
I really enjoyed hearing about this great tradition and will have to go to the website. Have you participated? Brooke
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2011
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The King of Walsh's Pyramid race - I am intrigued
Good use of abab rhymes in your octets, and I love the specific detail in this story poem.
I really enjoyed hearing about this great tradition and will have to go to the website. Have you participated? Brooke
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2011
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No, I'm only 50% eligible - you have to be FIT and CRAZY!
Thanks for the review.
Steve
Comment from dogontherocks
Great story with good structure and believable rhymes. As an old dude who once ran the LA marathon and was happy to finish alive I can empathize and commiserate with the contestants. I feel their pain and runner's high. Nice work kiwi.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2011
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Great story with good structure and believable rhymes. As an old dude who once ran the LA marathon and was happy to finish alive I can empathize and commiserate with the contestants. I feel their pain and runner's high. Nice work kiwi.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your kind words, and congratulations on finishing any marathon - I am not crazy enough to push my body to those limits!
Steve
Comment from barfy
Hi Kiwi. Technically perfect. I prefer these types, as you know, where a story is told or a proverb given. Good luck in the competition, if you're in a competition. Cheers
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Hi Kiwi. Technically perfect. I prefer these types, as you know, where a story is told or a proverb given. Good luck in the competition, if you're in a competition. Cheers
Comment Written 14-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2011
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Thank you - Not sure about technically perfect - I've just been told there are a couple of glitches in the meter!
Steve
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well... it scanned great to me mate...