The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "James In Charge"A family learns their father is a serial killer
33 total reviews
Comment from Showboat
Hi Sasha,
I take it you're feeling much better because this chapter is very good.
Seems like James has a plan to trick his dad into revealing where another body is buried.
Good one, m'dear,
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi Sasha,
I take it you're feeling much better because this chapter is very good.
Seems like James has a plan to trick his dad into revealing where another body is buried.
Good one, m'dear,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Yup, James is on a role. Yes, I am feeling much better....thank God.
Comment from lola29
Sasha, this story is simply spellbinding for me. The more I read, I'm thinking this would make for a great movie. James is an amazing human being. I wish I had a friend like him. Somehow, I feel I'm reading an award winning novel.
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Sasha, this story is simply spellbinding for me. The more I read, I'm thinking this would make for a great movie. James is an amazing human being. I wish I had a friend like him. Somehow, I feel I'm reading an award winning novel.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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I like the words 'award winning'. I also see it as a movie and would sell an arm and a leg to get Shia Labeof to star as James...if you don't know who he is you'll have to google him. He stared in the Transformers movies and is currently in the new one with Michael Douglas--the take off on Wall Street.
Comment from raw form
I must admit that this is one of the best stories I've read from a writer here since chasewriter used to post. I'm enjoying every twist and turn. I cannot offer you a technical review so I will always come at you like a 5 year old and keep it simple. I love it! see you next chapter
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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I must admit that this is one of the best stories I've read from a writer here since chasewriter used to post. I'm enjoying every twist and turn. I cannot offer you a technical review so I will always come at you like a 5 year old and keep it simple. I love it! see you next chapter
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Simple is just fine. I am so pleased that you are enjoying this story.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
You have run me out of six star awards again. You certainly use the fine art of storytelling to keep your readers suspended over a proverbial cliff.
I think I can see how James plans to use the list mentioned in his grandfather's letter to draw the truth out of his father. if his father never found the incriminating list (real or imaginary}, if Dadthinks the police have it now he may start talking about previous victims. He will surley expect that the threat of a death penality is again hanging over his head and try to make another plea bargain. His arrogance would drive him to try to win one more game.
I want to find out if zi,m right. Please don't drop me off the cliff!
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
You have run me out of six star awards again. You certainly use the fine art of storytelling to keep your readers suspended over a proverbial cliff.
I think I can see how James plans to use the list mentioned in his grandfather's letter to draw the truth out of his father. if his father never found the incriminating list (real or imaginary}, if Dadthinks the police have it now he may start talking about previous victims. He will surley expect that the threat of a death penality is again hanging over his head and try to make another plea bargain. His arrogance would drive him to try to win one more game.
I want to find out if zi,m right. Please don't drop me off the cliff!
Love and Irish hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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You are right. It will not be an easy task for James, but that IS is plan. Thank you so very much for your usual thorough review and positive comments.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
wow... This is another excellent chapter. The only problem I have is that my brain ages trying to keep up with the plot. I constantly become amazed at your ingenious mind!
Giddy
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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wow... This is another excellent chapter. The only problem I have is that my brain ages trying to keep up with the plot. I constantly become amazed at your ingenious mind!
Giddy
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Thank you so much for your positive review. I always look forward to your comments.
Comment from Alaskastory
'James In Charge' is a cleverly written chapter, Sasha. We get to know James is hit with emotional thoughts, asks strange questions, and comes up with a mysterious plan to persuade his dad for more answers. Knowing that his next move is to visit his sister sounds good to me. I've been wondering about her.
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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'James In Charge' is a cleverly written chapter, Sasha. We get to know James is hit with emotional thoughts, asks strange questions, and comes up with a mysterious plan to persuade his dad for more answers. Knowing that his next move is to visit his sister sounds good to me. I've been wondering about her.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Having spent a few well earned days on a psych ward myself, I know from personal experience that often the patients there are fare more sane than many of the people walking down the street. He needs to get his balance back and that's probably the best place to get it. Glad yo liked this one.
Comment from Janie King
Honest, this is not the kind of stories I read. I'm a coward and chicken and way to vivid imagination BUT I slipped up and read the one piece and so decided to take just a peek and, doggone it, read the whole thing again. It's very well-written. Just pray you don't end up giving me nightmares with your story (haha, I think. Good job. God bless. I just checked, you are a female writer. It's way beyond me.
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Honest, this is not the kind of stories I read. I'm a coward and chicken and way to vivid imagination BUT I slipped up and read the one piece and so decided to take just a peek and, doggone it, read the whole thing again. It's very well-written. Just pray you don't end up giving me nightmares with your story (haha, I think. Good job. God bless. I just checked, you are a female writer. It's way beyond me.
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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I am actually not a blood and gore person but I do like a good mystery. I have made a point of staying clear of unnecessary details of the father's crimes. I am pleased I didn't scare you and do hope you don't have any nightmares. This is more of a 'who done it' rather than a 'how done it'....lol
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I might survive it from that angles. I'm such a dork. God bless.
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No you are not a dork. It has actually been scientifically proven that we each care a 'scare' gene that determines whether or not we enjoyed getting scared. I hate roller coasters, and refuse to watch scary movies...I like mysteries but not anything that makes me jump out of my seat. Yet many people live and love to jump out of airplanes, bungee jump, and just love Friday the 13 movies. This is my first mystery...give me a comedy any day, I much prefer to laugh.
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Guess what. My two favorite series was Murder She Wrote and Matlock, simple, easy, not frightening, mysteries. Hey, this is going to be okay. Good-morning I think, Oops 4:50 am. I'm going back to bed for a couple of hours. Have a great day. God bless.
Comment from James Sarzotti
Wow, this reads well. A lot is being set up. And I think I can follow it, but of course eventually it all has to come together, doesn't it? And the James, smarty pants, character is just annoying enough to be intriguing without causing too much of a negative reaction in the reader. Though at one point, for me, it came close to being a little incredulous: "Okay, I will try to speak in words less than three syllables." He wasn't using big words, and that's not what gives James his appearance of 'intelligence.' It's his patent youthful thinking, arrogant and callow, that is often mistaken by young people for real intelligence the trade mark of which is slow, sure, and annoying in both its doggedness and its surprising obviousness and simplicity. Of course, the 18 year old James is the reverse of that. And he's in charge because it's his dad he's trying to save? It could be he's a very unique sleuth, but again I can't really know.
A few other things bother me, but it might be because I'm not a big mystery reader. However, I have worked on and watched a lot of police procedurals and court dramas and I think the district attorney has to share everything with the defense attorney, so the following might not hold water:
"What are the chances of keeping Dad and his attorney in the dark about the letters or anything Whatcom County has found on Grandpa's property?"
Mac was quick to answer. "Actually, pretty good. This is the biggest case they've ever had and they are keeping a tight lid on it."
But maybe you have circumstances coming that will support this, perhaps, anomalous legal procedure?
And here's bit of central intrigue I don't think I really get:
I grinned at Mac and winked at Mr. Hurley. "Mr. Hurley gave me the answer. I think I can use Dad's fear to my advantage."
His dad thinks there's a list that he unknowingly kept and as long as it's being pursued he doesn't know if he's really psychotic and killed people? And so he can't fold and make a false confession as long as he fears there's a list? Meanwhile, James will consult his sister and find a way to his dad's sanity and innocence? (Then it will all get pinned on the grandfather who passed onto his innocent son the abuse of his guilt?) It reminds me of the Warewolf cycle, and of course it could all go a number of ways. What an interesting story if it all adds up and pays off!
One more thing, be careful of too much of this:
I laughed. "Don't take this personally, but your little brain would explode if it tried to comprehend what's rattling around in mine."
The uniqueness and, more importantly, sympathy of your youthful sleuth depends on his fruitful arrogance and his impertinence paying off. That comment treads on thin ice, if you ask me, especially if James can't elegantly produce the goods and prove himself to be a genuine, genius detective.
Good luck with your great start. I'd like to read more and have my doubts decimated!
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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Wow, this reads well. A lot is being set up. And I think I can follow it, but of course eventually it all has to come together, doesn't it? And the James, smarty pants, character is just annoying enough to be intriguing without causing too much of a negative reaction in the reader. Though at one point, for me, it came close to being a little incredulous: "Okay, I will try to speak in words less than three syllables." He wasn't using big words, and that's not what gives James his appearance of 'intelligence.' It's his patent youthful thinking, arrogant and callow, that is often mistaken by young people for real intelligence the trade mark of which is slow, sure, and annoying in both its doggedness and its surprising obviousness and simplicity. Of course, the 18 year old James is the reverse of that. And he's in charge because it's his dad he's trying to save? It could be he's a very unique sleuth, but again I can't really know.
A few other things bother me, but it might be because I'm not a big mystery reader. However, I have worked on and watched a lot of police procedurals and court dramas and I think the district attorney has to share everything with the defense attorney, so the following might not hold water:
"What are the chances of keeping Dad and his attorney in the dark about the letters or anything Whatcom County has found on Grandpa's property?"
Mac was quick to answer. "Actually, pretty good. This is the biggest case they've ever had and they are keeping a tight lid on it."
But maybe you have circumstances coming that will support this, perhaps, anomalous legal procedure?
And here's bit of central intrigue I don't think I really get:
I grinned at Mac and winked at Mr. Hurley. "Mr. Hurley gave me the answer. I think I can use Dad's fear to my advantage."
His dad thinks there's a list that he unknowingly kept and as long as it's being pursued he doesn't know if he's really psychotic and killed people? And so he can't fold and make a false confession as long as he fears there's a list? Meanwhile, James will consult his sister and find a way to his dad's sanity and innocence? (Then it will all get pinned on the grandfather who passed onto his innocent son the abuse of his guilt?) It reminds me of the Warewolf cycle, and of course it could all go a number of ways. What an interesting story if it all adds up and pays off!
One more thing, be careful of too much of this:
I laughed. "Don't take this personally, but your little brain would explode if it tried to comprehend what's rattling around in mine."
The uniqueness and, more importantly, sympathy of your youthful sleuth depends on his fruitful arrogance and his impertinence paying off. That comment treads on thin ice, if you ask me, especially if James can't elegantly produce the goods and prove himself to be a genuine, genius detective.
Good luck with your great start. I'd like to read more and have my doubts decimated!
Comment Written 16-May-2011
reply by the author on 16-May-2011
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This is not a stand alone story, but chapter 33 of a book. It seems you have come in the middle and without the previous chapters I understand why you have questions. I can only suggest that you read the book from the beginning to get a better understanding of what this is actually about. It is not about the innocence of guilt of the father. I make it clear in the first chapter that the father is guilty of a series of murders he later confesses to. In answer to your question, no the neither the DA nor the police are required to keep the suspect apprised of their investigation. Only after the suspect is charged with a crime does the defense attorney have access to the evidence against his client.
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OK. That helps. Look forward to reading it. Thanks!
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I hope I didn't come across as obnoxious in my respnse...if I did I apologize. The characters in this book are based on real people (the father is based on 5 actual serial killers from the State of Washington. Detective Mac is a combination of two detectives I new and worked with in Seattle, and Hurley is actually my step-grandfather a well known criminal attorney. James is a combination of two dear friends with IQ's in the stratosphere. Both are obviously intelligent but also socially inept, one wears Velcro tennis shoes because he gets confused when tying to tie his shoes. The mother is a combination of several people including my own mother, the rest are all made up.
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No, you were fine. And I respect what you're trying to do immensely. I try to write critically constructive reviews based on my training many years ago in grad school, and from the two novels, and many screenplays I've written over the years. It seems you are bound for certain success and the only thing I can do as a reviewer is try to lend insight, if I have any, to help you do better. I know that I really need feedback, especially on my long form poetry that's been pouring out at a suspicious rate. And personally, I'm trying to be the best the best writer I can no matter whether it's discursive or creative. I really appreciate this second reply, as I'm skeptical of a 'writing community that exists online. But right now that's all I can do. Hopefully you'll lend your talents to reviewing some of my work. Thanks.
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I have been on FS for two years and I am quite pleased with most of the writers here and the constructive feedback I have received. I have tried a few other sites, but keep coming back to this one. There are a few reviewers that seem to be stuck on themselves, but overall most are very helpful and I always appreciate their comments and suggestions.
Comment from Joan E.
I liked your weaving the story around the machinations of James' big brain. Your descriptive "puzzle" metaphor and "wild mushrooms" simile add another dimension to your story telling. I'm sure all your readers can't wait for James to reveal his strategy. To be continued... -Joan
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I liked your weaving the story around the machinations of James' big brain. Your descriptive "puzzle" metaphor and "wild mushrooms" simile add another dimension to your story telling. I'm sure all your readers can't wait for James to reveal his strategy. To be continued... -Joan
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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I can't wait to figure out what it is....lol Not true, I actually know what he has up his sleeve. I am so pleased you liked this one. I get nervous when I write a chapter with all the technical stuff...I worry about loosing the reader.
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Don't worry about the technical details being a problem--I think they add realism and so many folks watch crime shows on television currently and have some familiarity with the lingo as well. -Joan
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Excellent chapter.
Great suspense.
Interesting.
Good dialogue.
Good descriptions.
Great ending.
Hurry up with the next chapter! lol!
Katie
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Excellent chapter.
Great suspense.
Interesting.
Good dialogue.
Good descriptions.
Great ending.
Hurry up with the next chapter! lol!
Katie
Comment Written 15-May-2011
reply by the author on 15-May-2011
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Thank you very much for your positive review. I am working on it as we speak....
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You're welcome. Can't wait!