The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Quid Pro Quo Part 1"A family learns their father is a serial killer
29 total reviews
Comment from kiwigirl2821
So glad Tom was able to restore the book my friend...whewwww...this is a riveting and important chapter. I couldn't see the prolog though so not sure what that was about...saw only one thing to change
In the paragraph "the expression..." needs a space on 3rd line He paused...
Wonderful write Smurph...oxox Kiwi
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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So glad Tom was able to restore the book my friend...whewwww...this is a riveting and important chapter. I couldn't see the prolog though so not sure what that was about...saw only one thing to change
In the paragraph "the expression..." needs a space on 3rd line He paused...
Wonderful write Smurph...oxox Kiwi
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Thanks for catching the spag. There was no prologue, the notice was apparently just a glitch in the system. I am glad you enjoyed this chapter and always appreciate your comments.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Line 34 He( )paused
Line 47 ... at eas[y] [e]
Line 48 infamiliar [unfamiliar] I may be wrong here but I haven't heard 'infamiliar' before.
11 lines from end: (comon)?? I've usually seen it as: c'mon. I'm not sure of this one either.
Once again I enjoyed the chapter VERY much, and am looking forward to the next one.
Giddy
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Line 34 He( )paused
Line 47 ... at eas[y] [e]
Line 48 infamiliar [unfamiliar] I may be wrong here but I haven't heard 'infamiliar' before.
11 lines from end: (comon)?? I've usually seen it as: c'mon. I'm not sure of this one either.
Once again I enjoyed the chapter VERY much, and am looking forward to the next one.
Giddy
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. I spent the whole day trying to remember how to write c'mon...just couldn't get my head around that one. I am pleased you liked the chapter and appreciate your continued support.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
Great improvement over the first draft. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "[I] As far as the cabin goes, I doubt Barney Fife could find his way out of a room with three walls and two open doors. {Delete the "I" at the start of this sentence. It appears to be a typo.}
2. Mac laughed. "Don't [under] underestimate Detective Reilly.{Delete the word 'under.' It is superfluous.}
3. Thoughts bottled up in the darkest recesses of my brain fought frantically for their rightful place at the top of my growing list of questions. Although the cabin remained somewhere in the middle, it was clear Mac had his own agenda and if I wanted his help, I was going to have to play by his rules. For now, he was the one controlling the direction the conversation was taking. I silently acquiesced, telling myself, "Let the game begin."{This paragraph is outstanding.}
4. The expression on hiss face turned serious. "They found partially burned clothing in the fireplace belonging to a female. A plastic bag containing a ring, silver chain, and a St. Christopher medal was found under a floorboard in the kitchen." [Hepaused ==> He paused] , and then added, "I won't be surprised if your father's prints are identified as those on the plastic bag."{Space needed.}
Loe and hugs,
Roger
5. That sick feeling I had earlier was back. It was strange how things that once meant nothing suddenly took on importance when looked at from a different view. Call it gut instinct, bad vibes, or just plain common sense, but I already suspected I knew who the victim might be. My heart began to race, and that damn knot in my stomach felt like someone had poured gasoline on it and set it on fire. "You might want to look into an old missing person case." {So James has another hunch.}
6. Mac tapped his fingers on the table. "Now that you've gotten that out of your system, it is my turn. Why do you want to know about your dad's life in Bellingham? What are you not telling me? {Now we are back to some apparent Family secret. Why won't anyone discuss it?}
I like the suggestions James makes to Mac. I think he is taking them seriously. The whole murder case seems ready to expand.
I like the way the evidence at the cabin is being developed much better than in your original draft.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Hi Valerie:)
Great improvement over the first draft. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. "[I] As far as the cabin goes, I doubt Barney Fife could find his way out of a room with three walls and two open doors. {Delete the "I" at the start of this sentence. It appears to be a typo.}
2. Mac laughed. "Don't [under] underestimate Detective Reilly.{Delete the word 'under.' It is superfluous.}
3. Thoughts bottled up in the darkest recesses of my brain fought frantically for their rightful place at the top of my growing list of questions. Although the cabin remained somewhere in the middle, it was clear Mac had his own agenda and if I wanted his help, I was going to have to play by his rules. For now, he was the one controlling the direction the conversation was taking. I silently acquiesced, telling myself, "Let the game begin."{This paragraph is outstanding.}
4. The expression on hiss face turned serious. "They found partially burned clothing in the fireplace belonging to a female. A plastic bag containing a ring, silver chain, and a St. Christopher medal was found under a floorboard in the kitchen." [Hepaused ==> He paused] , and then added, "I won't be surprised if your father's prints are identified as those on the plastic bag."{Space needed.}
Loe and hugs,
Roger
5. That sick feeling I had earlier was back. It was strange how things that once meant nothing suddenly took on importance when looked at from a different view. Call it gut instinct, bad vibes, or just plain common sense, but I already suspected I knew who the victim might be. My heart began to race, and that damn knot in my stomach felt like someone had poured gasoline on it and set it on fire. "You might want to look into an old missing person case." {So James has another hunch.}
6. Mac tapped his fingers on the table. "Now that you've gotten that out of your system, it is my turn. Why do you want to know about your dad's life in Bellingham? What are you not telling me? {Now we are back to some apparent Family secret. Why won't anyone discuss it?}
I like the suggestions James makes to Mac. I think he is taking them seriously. The whole murder case seems ready to expand.
I like the way the evidence at the cabin is being developed much better than in your original draft.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Thanks so much for catching the spags. I think this chapter still needs some work but I also like the new version much better. I always look forward to your reviews and the consistent detailed critiques you offer. I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from whitteron
s
You have some typos.
It's a little wordy in spots. EX
without a body, it's difficult to make a case against your dad.
How do you feel about active voice, verses passive. I did a little work with an editor and she said I had to change my passives to actives; EX;
If I wanted his help, I'd have to play by his rules
recall correctly
his face
under which
understand
nonchalant
unfamiliar emotions
I know this is fiction but is it based on the Green River killer, or The Hillside Strangler, by chance. I've followed lots of serial killer cases, over the years.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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s
You have some typos.
It's a little wordy in spots. EX
without a body, it's difficult to make a case against your dad.
How do you feel about active voice, verses passive. I did a little work with an editor and she said I had to change my passives to actives; EX;
If I wanted his help, I'd have to play by his rules
recall correctly
his face
under which
understand
nonchalant
unfamiliar emotions
I know this is fiction but is it based on the Green River killer, or The Hillside Strangler, by chance. I've followed lots of serial killer cases, over the years.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Yes, I definitely have to work on the passive, I appreciate the suggestions. I will go back over this and see what I can do with it. The story is obviously fiction but based on Gary Ridgway (no e in Ridgway), Ted Bundy, Robert Yates, and a kid who was a serial arsonist in Seattle. All four cases were horrific but the families were crucified by the media. The one that upset me most was Robert Yates. His family was literally run out of town. Most end up moving away, changing their names and even then many families break up because they cannot bring themselves to believe their father capable of such a terrible crime despite the evidence. A few have been known to commit suicide out of shame. The arsonist's father turned in his own son and instead of treating him with compassion many called him a traitor (the kid kill a lot of people too). Ridgway and Yates made deals to avoid the death penalty but Yates was later found guilty of killing two victims in a different county, and sentenced to death. Their keeping it quiet but the same is about to happen with the Green River Killer, Gary Ridgway. The public needs someone to blame and the family is the easiest to focus on. Even the media lives in the dark ages and insists they had to suspect something. Serial killers get away with their crimes because they are the last person anyone would suspect. The last to know is all too often the family. One of the Hillside Strangler's was caught in Washington state and is currently serving a life-sentence in Walla Walla Prision. He testified against his cousin in a plea to avoid the death penalty.
Comment from Tellis
This is a great chapter and we now know a little about what happened in the cabin, but not enough. Ground penetrating radar is pretty cool. Up here on the north slope it has benn used to look for problem spots on the oil pipeline and I know they used it twenty years ago in California for the same thing, but it was brand new in those days. Good use of technology.
Only one small spag noticed. Mac's (-nanchalant)(+nonchalant) attitude told me he was way ahead of me.
Great chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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This is a great chapter and we now know a little about what happened in the cabin, but not enough. Ground penetrating radar is pretty cool. Up here on the north slope it has benn used to look for problem spots on the oil pipeline and I know they used it twenty years ago in California for the same thing, but it was brand new in those days. Good use of technology.
Only one small spag noticed. Mac's (-nanchalant)(+nonchalant) attitude told me he was way ahead of me.
Great chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 16-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2011
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Thanks for catching the spag. I am pleased you enjoyed this chapter.
Comment from The Wood Work
Good Job here. I found no obvious errors. This story is so compelling. I seriously look forward to each chapter. I honestly think you have a best seller on your hands. Keep it up girl...
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Good Job here. I found no obvious errors. This story is so compelling. I seriously look forward to each chapter. I honestly think you have a best seller on your hands. Keep it up girl...
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Thanks so much. I am thrilled you are enjoying this story.
Comment from Showboat
SOOOOO good to see you back again, Sasha. You know, I looked at that sketch of the father for the first time, like I really LOOKED at it, and whoa, excellent rendition of one ugly dude. Kudos.
Okay, as I cruise along here, I see we use the name Mac quite often and wonder if you might not find places where either 'he' would do, or where you could couple up the sentences and eliminate the noun/pronoun entirely. Just something to consider.
"Damn it, Mac. Just answer the question!"
The expression on Mac's face instantly turned serious.
Okay, we write similar types of stories and I have to caution you, as someone dear to me, Connie I think, but maybe Norma just said to me, and it's this:
Mac is a cop. James is a kid, albiet one smart cookie, but still, a kid. Would Mac tolerate that kind of sassy remark? I'm not sure, just something to cogitate on, but cops usually don't let kids pull an attitude, even in a situation as serious and nerve-racking as this one. Again, just work it out. :)
Gosh, what a great, tight and totally gripping chapter. Chit, I just don't like this one at all, lol.
I got your back, little one! Have a sixer!
Hugs and love,
Gayle
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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SOOOOO good to see you back again, Sasha. You know, I looked at that sketch of the father for the first time, like I really LOOKED at it, and whoa, excellent rendition of one ugly dude. Kudos.
Okay, as I cruise along here, I see we use the name Mac quite often and wonder if you might not find places where either 'he' would do, or where you could couple up the sentences and eliminate the noun/pronoun entirely. Just something to consider.
"Damn it, Mac. Just answer the question!"
The expression on Mac's face instantly turned serious.
Okay, we write similar types of stories and I have to caution you, as someone dear to me, Connie I think, but maybe Norma just said to me, and it's this:
Mac is a cop. James is a kid, albiet one smart cookie, but still, a kid. Would Mac tolerate that kind of sassy remark? I'm not sure, just something to cogitate on, but cops usually don't let kids pull an attitude, even in a situation as serious and nerve-racking as this one. Again, just work it out. :)
Gosh, what a great, tight and totally gripping chapter. Chit, I just don't like this one at all, lol.
I got your back, little one! Have a sixer!
Hugs and love,
Gayle
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I agree with 99 percent of what you say....I PM'd you about it. Thanks for the more than welcome suggestions and for the awesome 6 stars too.
Comment from c_lucas
From your notes, it looks like you ran into some trouble. Rhis is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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From your notes, it looks like you ran into some trouble. Rhis is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Tom, bless his heart, got it all sorted out. Thanks for the great review, I sincerely appreciate it.
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Ou're welcome, Sasha. Charlie
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
Another great chapter - I've been very curious about that cabin.
Scary about losing your book! I think I'm going to make my own back up copies just in case!
But are you out of the woods? I had a PM about a Prologue to a book Null but couldn't find it?
Ron
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Hi Smurphy
Another great chapter - I've been very curious about that cabin.
Scary about losing your book! I think I'm going to make my own back up copies just in case!
But are you out of the woods? I had a PM about a Prologue to a book Null but couldn't find it?
Ron
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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If you ever receive a message saying there is a new chapter to "Null" it is a glitch in the system. There is no book (by anyone) call Null. It is apparently a message sent out when an upload fails. Go figure! Anyway, Tom fixed everything and somehow found my book. YES, most definitely back everything up...I do. The problem I was having was I couldn't get the post to save, it kept saying "unable to save" try again. Apparently whatever the problem was went away and I pray it never comes back. Glad you liked the chapter, I always look forward to your reviews.
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I got the message twice! Glad it's all fixed. x
Comment from RebelRose
Another great chapter. I love that phrase about Barney Fife finding his way out of a room with three walls and two doors. I have never heard it put like that. I am so glad Tom was able to help with restoring the book. I'm also glad you feel up to writing again. Welcome back.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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Another great chapter. I love that phrase about Barney Fife finding his way out of a room with three walls and two doors. I have never heard it put like that. I am so glad Tom was able to help with restoring the book. I'm also glad you feel up to writing again. Welcome back.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2011
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I am glad Tom was able to restore it too...I have backups but for some reason I simply could not upload anything. Whatever the problem was it went away and I pray it never comes back. I am thrilled you liked the chapter.