The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Demon and His Son"A family learns their father is a serial killer
35 total reviews
Comment from Tellis
It's good he was finally able to get those feelings out. I know theres more to this than we see right now and I'm very interested to see what.
Tellis
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2011
  |
It's good he was finally able to get those feelings out. I know theres more to this than we see right now and I'm very interested to see what.
Tellis
Comment Written 05-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2011
-
I am glad you see that there is more to this than meets the eye. James is a smart kid, but human and still a young boy. This is something no one is ever prepared to deal with. Glad you enjoyed this one.
Comment from Southern Writer
James telling his father off was just good writing. It rang true. And the dad's cocky behavior was right on for a bully that has been rendered harmless with no power. Well, his power is now just to play with the cops on talking about the murders. You're developing this just perfect. I was hoping that dad would say more, but I am very impatient.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2011
 |
James telling his father off was just good writing. It rang true. And the dad's cocky behavior was right on for a bully that has been rendered harmless with no power. Well, his power is now just to play with the cops on talking about the murders. You're developing this just perfect. I was hoping that dad would say more, but I am very impatient.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2011
-
he eventually will, but not today. Thank you so much for the marvelous and sincerely appreciated 6 stars. I am thrilled you like how this is progressing.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Wow!!!! Once again you did a fantastic job describing emotions. I would love to be able to have that talent. Great job.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2011
|
Wow!!!! Once again you did a fantastic job describing emotions. I would love to be able to have that talent. Great job.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2011
-
Thanks you very much for your awesome and appreciated 6 stars my dear friend, but where is the sympathy???????? Glad you got a kick out of this one.
-
The father doesn't deserve sympathy
Comment from Readywriter52
James is nervous and unhappy, but determined to face his father. His father seems to think he still has his "father's authority" over James. He tried to intimidate James, but James wouldn't let him. James stayed strong until his left his father then he collapsed.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
James is nervous and unhappy, but determined to face his father. His father seems to think he still has his "father's authority" over James. He tried to intimidate James, but James wouldn't let him. James stayed strong until his left his father then he collapsed.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
Yes, even James needs to express his emotions. I am pleased you liked this chapter. Lots more twists and turns to come.
Comment from lola29
OMG! This chapter is derserving of an Acadamy Award. I got pulled into James' feelings when he was facing his father and telling him what he felt. I didn't even know I was holding my breath. Bravo!
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
OMG! This chapter is derserving of an Acadamy Award. I got pulled into James' feelings when he was facing his father and telling him what he felt. I didn't even know I was holding my breath. Bravo!
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
Now that's the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me!!!
Comment from The Wood Work
Ok I'm caught up now. I have just read all thirteen chapters and I'm revived. You have a wonderful story telling ability. I am not formally educated in the area of writing but I am and always have been an avid reader, so I appreciate a good book and this is a very good one. I look forward to the "rest of the story". Your character creating is great, I have them all situated in my head. You go girl...Oh and I'll try to get my head out of the story long enough to look for errors :)
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
Ok I'm caught up now. I have just read all thirteen chapters and I'm revived. You have a wonderful story telling ability. I am not formally educated in the area of writing but I am and always have been an avid reader, so I appreciate a good book and this is a very good one. I look forward to the "rest of the story". Your character creating is great, I have them all situated in my head. You go girl...Oh and I'll try to get my head out of the story long enough to look for errors :)
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
I am thrilled you like this 'dark' story. I am also thrilled with the 6 stars!!! Generally, I write humorous stories but this one has been stuck in my head a long time screaming to get out.
-
Well let it out for gods sake :)
Comment from RKagan
The fathers reaction is perfect. His denial and anger is very believable considereing what we know of his character. I see that you said in the original he was remorseful. I think this is much better, although I never read the first one.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
The fathers reaction is perfect. His denial and anger is very believable considereing what we know of his character. I see that you said in the original he was remorseful. I think this is much better, although I never read the first one.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
Most have not. I felt the original was too predictable and needed more tension and focus on the individual members of the family. Most seem to agree with the changes so far.
Comment from fictionwriter
I get really caught up in this story, so it usually doesn't grab me when something is wrong. I did find one thing this time, but other than that it was great.
I hung up the phone and ran out of the room with Mr. Hurley following close behind. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the floor. I heard a loud, frightening wail reverberate off the walls then realized it was coming from inside me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my ears, but the wailing continued. (all these sentences start with I and it jarred me right out of the story. Writing first person, it's hard to get rid of the I's but I think you could just rearrange a bit and it would be fine. )
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
I get really caught up in this story, so it usually doesn't grab me when something is wrong. I did find one thing this time, but other than that it was great.
I hung up the phone and ran out of the room with Mr. Hurley following close behind. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the floor. I heard a loud, frightening wail reverberate off the walls then realized it was coming from inside me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my ears, but the wailing continued. (all these sentences start with I and it jarred me right out of the story. Writing first person, it's hard to get rid of the I's but I think you could just rearrange a bit and it would be fine. )
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
I agree. I'll go back over that section and see what I can do with it.
Comment from vickib
Great job bringing that moment they meet to life. I could visualize the place and them talking between the glass. Wouldn't that be weird if he wasn't the killer after all? But then again James did trigger anger from his dad in something he said so...
Loved Hansel and Gretel sweat trail.
You have James showing lots of feelings in the last part of this chapter. I'm starting to feel his frustration and emotion too. Super chapter,
XO Vicki
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
Great job bringing that moment they meet to life. I could visualize the place and them talking between the glass. Wouldn't that be weird if he wasn't the killer after all? But then again James did trigger anger from his dad in something he said so...
Loved Hansel and Gretel sweat trail.
You have James showing lots of feelings in the last part of this chapter. I'm starting to feel his frustration and emotion too. Super chapter,
XO Vicki
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
I am so glad you liked this one. There is no possibility of Dad being innocent, too much evidence and he already confessed to 6 of the 12 known murders. Now James has to figure out what he said that upset his dad. Lots more to come.
-
I didn't realize he actually confessed to the 6. Oh yeah I'm going to go back and read that part again to see what I think it might have been.
-
Oh yeah it could be a number of different things. Now you have me thinking.
-
Actually he has be officially charged with 6 murders (enough evidence to convict...no doubt about his guilt) but he has "offered" as a pleas agreement to avoid the death penalty to confess to the remaining 6 murders. So, technically he hasn't pleaded guilty yet, but only a fool would go to trial with the evidence they have already on the first 6 murders. So, technically, you are right, Dad has not confessed but he would be insane if he didn't try to make a deal.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
I thought you could not possibly have more emotional impact than your previous chapters, but I was wrong. Each new post adds more emotional content. I think this is the best chapter yet. I have just a few specific comments:
1. Trying to sidestep the panic attack I felt myself sliding into, I shook Mr. Hurley's hand and blurted out, "Sorry about the other day. In retrospect I probably could have handled it better." {I think panic and doubt would be normal reactions at this critical time.}
2. Mr. Hurley patted me on the back and smiled as he pulled me toward the front door and out of the sudden downpour. "I like a kid with spirit. Besides, you got what you wanted, right?" Mr. Hurley, like Mac in the last chapter, seems to condone James' tactics in getting in getting in to see his Dad.}
3. Still holding my arm, Mr. Hurley and I walked into the room. As soon as I saw Dad sitting behind the glass partition, I froze. Then, from somewhere deep inside me came a strange unexpected strength I had never experienced before. I stopped trembling, my mind was suddenly crystal clear, and my heartbeat slowed to a normal rate. I was surprised to find myself in complete control.
I stood staring at Dad for several minutes before finally taking a seat in front of him. He was dressed in a red jumpsuit with his hands and legs shackled. Despite looking tired, Dad appeared just as he always did; calm, confident, and cocky. With an inappropriate smile on his face, he picked up the phone attached to the wall and pointed to the one beside me. We both sat staring at each other waiting for the other to speak first. Dad broke the silence.{An awkward silence can be expected.}
4. I like the following dialog for many reasons, but most of all it is the ultimate transferal of control from father to son. John Mathews will never be able to bully James again:
"James, this is all just a big misunder....."
Unable to hide my anger, I interrupted yelling, "Don't even go there!"
"Hey, don't talk to me that way, young man."
Feeling as though I was drowning in my rage, I slammed my fist down on the counter. "We are way past denial. I refuse to play your stupid games any longer. You are a pathetic, narcissistic, asshole and I hope you rot in hell for what you did."
Dad remained silent.
I wasn't finished. "Go ahead. Tell me your sad story. Tell me Grandpa beat you when you were a child or a neighbor abused you and turned you into the monster you are today. Tell me Grandma knew everything but turned a blind eye. Maybe your first girlfriend laughed when you couldn't get it up. Blame it on everyone else but yourself."
I don't know what I said, but the calm expression on Dad's face disappeared and was instantly replaced with undeniable rage. I couldn't resist grinning. "Whoa, I hit a nerve, didn't I?"
Failing to hide the anger in his voice, Dad said, "You don't know what you're talking about."
I laughed. "Oh, but I do. You're scared shitless. You got caught because you're not as smart as you think you are. You're terrified they want to stick a needle in your arm. Face it, Dad, you're a stupid, gutless coward."
I paused for a moment then looked Dad straight in the eyes. "How can a man who tortures, brutalizes, and murders twelve innocent girls for pleasure have the nerve to beg for mercy when suddenly faced with death himself? Tell me Dad, did the girls you killed beg for their lives? Why should you get the mercy you denied them?"
Dad stared at me with a blank expression on his face, but the anger in his eyes spoke volumes. He was hiding something; I just didn't know what it was. {James alone understands the power games his father has always played. Now Day has lost his mojo forever.]
5. There was nothing more to say. I hung up the phone and ran out of the room with Mr. Hurley following close behind. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the floor. I heard a loud, frightening wail reverberate off the walls then realized it was coming from inside me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my ears, but the wailing continued. Mr. Hurley knelt down beside me and laid my head on his lap. The tears and sobs poured out of me like a broken dam with a force so strong I felt sure my chest was going to split wide open.
Mr. Hurley sat with me for a long time before finally asking, "James, are you going to be all right?"
Barely able to speak, I shook my head and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "No sir, I don't think so."[what an emotional price James has paid for his visit with Dad, but I also know he has won his emotional freedom. Absolutely brilliant writing.
Love and Irish hugs
Roger
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
|
Hi Valerie:)
I thought you could not possibly have more emotional impact than your previous chapters, but I was wrong. Each new post adds more emotional content. I think this is the best chapter yet. I have just a few specific comments:
1. Trying to sidestep the panic attack I felt myself sliding into, I shook Mr. Hurley's hand and blurted out, "Sorry about the other day. In retrospect I probably could have handled it better." {I think panic and doubt would be normal reactions at this critical time.}
2. Mr. Hurley patted me on the back and smiled as he pulled me toward the front door and out of the sudden downpour. "I like a kid with spirit. Besides, you got what you wanted, right?" Mr. Hurley, like Mac in the last chapter, seems to condone James' tactics in getting in getting in to see his Dad.}
3. Still holding my arm, Mr. Hurley and I walked into the room. As soon as I saw Dad sitting behind the glass partition, I froze. Then, from somewhere deep inside me came a strange unexpected strength I had never experienced before. I stopped trembling, my mind was suddenly crystal clear, and my heartbeat slowed to a normal rate. I was surprised to find myself in complete control.
I stood staring at Dad for several minutes before finally taking a seat in front of him. He was dressed in a red jumpsuit with his hands and legs shackled. Despite looking tired, Dad appeared just as he always did; calm, confident, and cocky. With an inappropriate smile on his face, he picked up the phone attached to the wall and pointed to the one beside me. We both sat staring at each other waiting for the other to speak first. Dad broke the silence.{An awkward silence can be expected.}
4. I like the following dialog for many reasons, but most of all it is the ultimate transferal of control from father to son. John Mathews will never be able to bully James again:
"James, this is all just a big misunder....."
Unable to hide my anger, I interrupted yelling, "Don't even go there!"
"Hey, don't talk to me that way, young man."
Feeling as though I was drowning in my rage, I slammed my fist down on the counter. "We are way past denial. I refuse to play your stupid games any longer. You are a pathetic, narcissistic, asshole and I hope you rot in hell for what you did."
Dad remained silent.
I wasn't finished. "Go ahead. Tell me your sad story. Tell me Grandpa beat you when you were a child or a neighbor abused you and turned you into the monster you are today. Tell me Grandma knew everything but turned a blind eye. Maybe your first girlfriend laughed when you couldn't get it up. Blame it on everyone else but yourself."
I don't know what I said, but the calm expression on Dad's face disappeared and was instantly replaced with undeniable rage. I couldn't resist grinning. "Whoa, I hit a nerve, didn't I?"
Failing to hide the anger in his voice, Dad said, "You don't know what you're talking about."
I laughed. "Oh, but I do. You're scared shitless. You got caught because you're not as smart as you think you are. You're terrified they want to stick a needle in your arm. Face it, Dad, you're a stupid, gutless coward."
I paused for a moment then looked Dad straight in the eyes. "How can a man who tortures, brutalizes, and murders twelve innocent girls for pleasure have the nerve to beg for mercy when suddenly faced with death himself? Tell me Dad, did the girls you killed beg for their lives? Why should you get the mercy you denied them?"
Dad stared at me with a blank expression on his face, but the anger in his eyes spoke volumes. He was hiding something; I just didn't know what it was. {James alone understands the power games his father has always played. Now Day has lost his mojo forever.]
5. There was nothing more to say. I hung up the phone and ran out of the room with Mr. Hurley following close behind. I felt my knees buckle and I fell to the floor. I heard a loud, frightening wail reverberate off the walls then realized it was coming from inside me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my ears, but the wailing continued. Mr. Hurley knelt down beside me and laid my head on his lap. The tears and sobs poured out of me like a broken dam with a force so strong I felt sure my chest was going to split wide open.
Mr. Hurley sat with me for a long time before finally asking, "James, are you going to be all right?"
Barely able to speak, I shook my head and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "No sir, I don't think so."[what an emotional price James has paid for his visit with Dad, but I also know he has won his emotional freedom. Absolutely brilliant writing.
Love and Irish hugs
Roger
Comment Written 03-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2011
-
I continue to be impressed and inspired by your thorough critique of my writing. 5 stars are more than sufficient and I enthusiastically accept the marvelous Irish hugs. I am thrilled you continue to enjoy this story.
