The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "A Plea Bargain?"A family learns their father is a serial killer
34 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I really like the structure of this chapter--it explains so much and is well paced and leaves us in suspense. I also admire the way the second paragraph reflects your title "The Crack in the Mirror." (In paragraph one, in the last sentence, "other" lost its "o'") The "washcloth scene" is memorable for its affection and emotion.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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I really like the structure of this chapter--it explains so much and is well paced and leaves us in suspense. I also admire the way the second paragraph reflects your title "The Crack in the Mirror." (In paragraph one, in the last sentence, "other" lost its "o'") The "washcloth scene" is memorable for its affection and emotion.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Thanks for catching the spag. I am glad you are enjoying this.
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I had to help my "pale pirate" friend find her lost "o"! LOL -Joan
Comment from Showboat
Hey Sasha,
So good to see this one out. Excellent story, really gripping, and the pity you feel for that poor mom. I cannot imagine what it wo uld be like to know your child or spouse did such truly horrible things. Excellent voice, m'dear, this is another good'en.
Couple of things for your consideration:
They seemed to need him as much as he needed them, each needing the other to validate their existence.
Okay, we have need three times, so I'd suggest replacing two of them! Maybe 'depending on the other to validate'...your call
You've used infuriated a couple of times. Maybe choose another word to avoid the repeat.
Carry on, I'll be waiting.
Hugs
Gayle
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hey Sasha,
So good to see this one out. Excellent story, really gripping, and the pity you feel for that poor mom. I cannot imagine what it wo uld be like to know your child or spouse did such truly horrible things. Excellent voice, m'dear, this is another good'en.
Couple of things for your consideration:
They seemed to need him as much as he needed them, each needing the other to validate their existence.
Okay, we have need three times, so I'd suggest replacing two of them! Maybe 'depending on the other to validate'...your call
You've used infuriated a couple of times. Maybe choose another word to avoid the repeat.
Carry on, I'll be waiting.
Hugs
Gayle
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Thanks for catching the repeats. I go back over this and fix them.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Be kind, I am old, walk like a duck, am blind in one eye, and wear false teeth. None of this has anything to do with my ability to proofread my work but I thought I'd give it a shot. (I bought it. I think it all has to do with with proofreading.)
I read your story so intently that I forget to check for errors, that because you're a great author.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Be kind, I am old, walk like a duck, am blind in one eye, and wear false teeth. None of this has anything to do with my ability to proofread my work but I thought I'd give it a shot. (I bought it. I think it all has to do with with proofreading.)
I read your story so intently that I forget to check for errors, that because you're a great author.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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There were a few but hopefully I caught them all. Glad you liked this one and I agree, no one should ever be allowed to proof their own work...it is scientifically impossible (at least I think it is).
Comment from missy98writer
Sasha,
I really enjoyed reading chapter eight in your rewrite. You've written another superb chapter. From my research about those folks who are psychopaths there are often men between the age of 20 to 50, narcissist , abusive and will only concede to their crimes for recognition or to lord over their victims with the families and loved ones. They have no concept of morality with zero regard for human life. Your author notes quacked me up, my duck walking friend. I look forward to reading more. I see Brooke helped you find any errors you had. Keep on walking like a duck, but I think you should walk like an Egyptian. LOL. Awesome job rewriting. I'm allowed to give you a six and I'm happily awarding you six stars. Rock on!
Melissa.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Sasha,
I really enjoyed reading chapter eight in your rewrite. You've written another superb chapter. From my research about those folks who are psychopaths there are often men between the age of 20 to 50, narcissist , abusive and will only concede to their crimes for recognition or to lord over their victims with the families and loved ones. They have no concept of morality with zero regard for human life. Your author notes quacked me up, my duck walking friend. I look forward to reading more. I see Brooke helped you find any errors you had. Keep on walking like a duck, but I think you should walk like an Egyptian. LOL. Awesome job rewriting. I'm allowed to give you a six and I'm happily awarding you six stars. Rock on!
Melissa.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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I have a friend who worked on the Green River Serial Killer case and he and I both agree that the labels psychopath and sociopath may be helpful in describing a serial killer, but in reality they are just words. Each killer may have similarities but overall they are separate in characteristics including emotional, psychological, and intellectual. Profiling is most definitely helpful but sadly not an exact science and many have missed the mark completely, the one for the Green River Killer was way off. The arguments within the psychological community over sociopath versus psychopath is never ending and to be honest, I find it pointless. The human mind is still uncharted territory and we have so much yet to learn. Glad you enjoyed this one.
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Sasha,
I'd love to have a discussion about what I learned. I do have a degree in Criminal Justice. Lately I've been watching Discover ID and find in my research that profiling is subjective to the profiler. Candice DeLong is a famous FBI criminal profiler. I believe she's retired now. Also another great female profiler is Dayle Hinman. I wanted to be a criminal profiler, but by disability prevented me from becomming a FBI agent.
Melissa.
Comment from lola29
Sasha, this chapter is simply excellent! You are very intuitive and know the human phyche very well. I'm very impressed with how you were able to view pain and suffering through James' eyes. Sometimes, if seems most people think others should react to tragedy the same way as they do. Bravo!
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Sasha, this chapter is simply excellent! You are very intuitive and know the human phyche very well. I'm very impressed with how you were able to view pain and suffering through James' eyes. Sometimes, if seems most people think others should react to tragedy the same way as they do. Bravo!
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Again, coming from a dysfunctional family has given me plenty to fall back on in the area of 'anger'. Glad you enjoyed this one.
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Thank you so much. I am thrilled you liked this one. Coming from a dysfunctional family does have its advantages.
Comment from vickib
Hi Valerie! I'm trying a new approach to writing reviews on your chapters. Thought I'd start the review and if things pop up along the way I can just keep adding as I go. So bear with me here, I hope it works well for both of us. Only because I'd like to be helpful too and not just throw out a bla bla bla, and it might end up that way in the end. LOL
I like the first part of your story talking more about their personalities, and you added the crack in the mirror in a cool way, as the way he see's himself. But does he see himself perfect or distored, it's a little unclear right there. Maybe like he saw himself perfect but obvisouly there was a huge crack, or something like that.
This sentence is incomplete I think. "I felt as though I had lost what little control of my life." maybe add, that I had left, or something. You read it back to yourself and see if you can tell what I mean.
If they are in a hotel room maybe Susan should be locking herself in the ajoining room, instead of the bedroom. Just a tiny little thing that makes it seem like she's at home and not in a hotel.
I love the thing about the washcloths to just take a little break and bring a smile in the middle of all this trama. It is exactly like it would be in real life. That's my favorite part about the way you write. And she uses the washcloth throughout that conversation to wipe her tears. I like that.
I can imagine what's going to happen when they go out...this outta be good, can't wait.
Good grief how did you sunburn your eye? You crack me up with these notes. I don't help with spag but I didn't see anything and I had to dig to find these few little comments I made and they really don't matter much either so I'd say you did one hell of a job with this chapter. You want me to send you some sunglasses? -00- OMG I made a pair playing with my keys. LOL! We would be quite the pair, me with my broken ankle and burned hair and you with all your deals. Good grief it's fun to get old isn't it? Love ya! Vicki
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Valerie! I'm trying a new approach to writing reviews on your chapters. Thought I'd start the review and if things pop up along the way I can just keep adding as I go. So bear with me here, I hope it works well for both of us. Only because I'd like to be helpful too and not just throw out a bla bla bla, and it might end up that way in the end. LOL
I like the first part of your story talking more about their personalities, and you added the crack in the mirror in a cool way, as the way he see's himself. But does he see himself perfect or distored, it's a little unclear right there. Maybe like he saw himself perfect but obvisouly there was a huge crack, or something like that.
This sentence is incomplete I think. "I felt as though I had lost what little control of my life." maybe add, that I had left, or something. You read it back to yourself and see if you can tell what I mean.
If they are in a hotel room maybe Susan should be locking herself in the ajoining room, instead of the bedroom. Just a tiny little thing that makes it seem like she's at home and not in a hotel.
I love the thing about the washcloths to just take a little break and bring a smile in the middle of all this trama. It is exactly like it would be in real life. That's my favorite part about the way you write. And she uses the washcloth throughout that conversation to wipe her tears. I like that.
I can imagine what's going to happen when they go out...this outta be good, can't wait.
Good grief how did you sunburn your eye? You crack me up with these notes. I don't help with spag but I didn't see anything and I had to dig to find these few little comments I made and they really don't matter much either so I'd say you did one hell of a job with this chapter. You want me to send you some sunglasses? -00- OMG I made a pair playing with my keys. LOL! We would be quite the pair, me with my broken ankle and burned hair and you with all your deals. Good grief it's fun to get old isn't it? Love ya! Vicki
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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If the father is a 'true' narcissist, he sees himself as perfect which is what makes him a narcissist. Thanks for catching the awkward sentences. I will go back over this one and make the corrections. Being blind, other than feeling heat, I cannot tell if the sun is shinning in my eye. Apparently I was walking down the street with the sun on my right side. Go figure?! I usually wear a hat and sunglasses but the other day I got lazy.
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Thank you so much for the thorough critique of this chapter. I will go back over this and fix the errors. I was walking down the street with the sun on my right side. Being blind, other than feeling the heat, I was not aware of the sun actually burning my eye. I usually wear both sunglasses and a hat but was just lazy that day. I won't do that again.
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Oh yeah I see so to speak, you didn't know because that eye is blind. Why is it blind Valerie? Well be careful!!! haha one for me to talk.
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It is genetics. My mother lost her sight due in one eye to a blood clot many years ago, and son-of-a-gun I lost mine at exactly the same age...and in the same eye, also from a blood clot.
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Weird! Those damed genes, I think it's so weird when I look in the mirror and see my mother. Messes with me. LOL! hey my husband just informed me he downloaded a triage ap on his phone so he has it when we go somewhere. I said Funny Craig! LOL!
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Smurphy
Another fascinating chapter. We are learning much more about the family's emotional reactions to the crisis.
Your author's notes are worthy of a posting all to themselves!
I'm more in danger of snow blindness than harm from the sun.
You take care, you're precious to many people.
Ron x
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Hi Smurphy
Another fascinating chapter. We are learning much more about the family's emotional reactions to the crisis.
Your author's notes are worthy of a posting all to themselves!
I'm more in danger of snow blindness than harm from the sun.
You take care, you're precious to many people.
Ron x
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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At least I don't have to worry about snow down hear. Glad you liked this chapter. I promise to be more careful.
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I will definitely be more careful. At least I don't have to worry about snow down here.
Comment from Maxine Kendall
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story, and got so wrapped up in it I want to read more.
Funnily enough I just posted a poem based on the true story of a man who plea bargained to get out of the death penalty. What are the chances of that! FS is quite something!
Back to your story. It is truly engaging and your characters come to life on the page.
It is well written, though I did spot a couple of errors, probably due to your having to wear the patch. I just tried typing with one eye covered and it's very hard.
~ 4th para - I did not know who Susan was, as I had not read previous chapters. Maybe you could say Sister Susan just for the contest?
~ 11th para - I felt as though I had lost what little control over my life. - This is not a complete sentence.
~ Same for - I couldn't fathom the agony they had been
~ There is a line that begins, "He is talking to all 12 families. - I thought it was 6 murders?
A great read.
Well done and good luck.
Maxine
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story, and got so wrapped up in it I want to read more.
Funnily enough I just posted a poem based on the true story of a man who plea bargained to get out of the death penalty. What are the chances of that! FS is quite something!
Back to your story. It is truly engaging and your characters come to life on the page.
It is well written, though I did spot a couple of errors, probably due to your having to wear the patch. I just tried typing with one eye covered and it's very hard.
~ 4th para - I did not know who Susan was, as I had not read previous chapters. Maybe you could say Sister Susan just for the contest?
~ 11th para - I felt as though I had lost what little control over my life. - This is not a complete sentence.
~ Same for - I couldn't fathom the agony they had been
~ There is a line that begins, "He is talking to all 12 families. - I thought it was 6 murders?
A great read.
Well done and good luck.
Maxine
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Thee were 12 Belltown murders. But the father is only being charged with 6. The police and the killer knows it is only a matter of time and they will be able to put together a case for the remaining 6 so he is offering to plead guilty to them now to avoid the death penalty. The prosecutor is talking to both the families of the girls that the father has been charged with killing and the families of those they know he killed, but haven't gathered enough evidence yet to charge him. Hope that clears up the confusion. Thanks for catching the awkward/incomplete sentences.
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In the first chapter I tell the reader that there are 12 Belltown murder victims. Although James found 8 photographs of victims, the police (who have not yet explained why) have only charged him with 6 murders, leaving 6 unsolved murders. Everyone know the father is guilty but without solid evidence they cannot charge him. The father, knowing he will be found guilty of 6 murders and face the death penalty for them, is trying to get the prosecutor to drop the death penalty by agreeing to plead guilty to the remaining 6. The prosecutor is presenting this to all 12 families to get their input. Hope that clears up the confusion. Thanks for catching the incomplete sentences, I'll fix them right away.
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Yes, it does and you are very welcome.I really enjoyed it.
Comment from Readywriter52
James' family is still dealing with the fallout from their father being charged with murder. The characters are all different and distinct. They are all dealing with this trauma in different ways. Charlie gets angry while Mother and Susan withdraw.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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James' family is still dealing with the fallout from their father being charged with murder. The characters are all different and distinct. They are all dealing with this trauma in different ways. Charlie gets angry while Mother and Susan withdraw.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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No one ever knows how they will react to something like this. Each person has to deal with it in their own way. Glad you liked this one.
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Yes, they are each dealing with what Dad did differently. No one really know how they would react to something so horrific.
Comment from Tellis
There are some sneaky reporters out there and they'll find them when they go outside. I enjoyed this very well written chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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There are some sneaky reporters out there and they'll find them when they go outside. I enjoyed this very well written chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 22-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2011
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Thanks. I am very pleased you enjoyed this one.