Grammy's Memoirs 2018
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "I was born into a loving family"Bits and pieces of my life for my grandchildren
39 total reviews
Comment from Diny
I must say we all should do sucha project to better understand ourselves and our beginings- Great work- I might suggest NOT saying how the writer didn't know what to write or struggled at the keyboard- Maybe word it different and this...
She finally started to type:
was not needed either for if she hadn't there would be no story- just dont dumb it down for the readers it also leaves the writer with more words for the important stuff.
If a flash contest every word counts- and with all writing you should stive for this.
Oh and regardless of your current profession you ARE a writer- Welcome and Write on-DI
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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I must say we all should do sucha project to better understand ourselves and our beginings- Great work- I might suggest NOT saying how the writer didn't know what to write or struggled at the keyboard- Maybe word it different and this...
She finally started to type:
was not needed either for if she hadn't there would be no story- just dont dumb it down for the readers it also leaves the writer with more words for the important stuff.
If a flash contest every word counts- and with all writing you should stive for this.
Oh and regardless of your current profession you ARE a writer- Welcome and Write on-DI
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. I appreciate your comments and the constructive critique. ~patty~
Comment from sizemore0409
Hi Patty! I enjoyed reading this little story. It flowed quite well, and the imagery and emotions were well-woven into the fabric of the narrative. I also liked the emotional ending. Good job! Andy
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Hi Patty! I enjoyed reading this little story. It flowed quite well, and the imagery and emotions were well-woven into the fabric of the narrative. I also liked the emotional ending. Good job! Andy
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you for reading and the generous review. I'm glad you saw the value in this story. ~patty~
Comment from bowls
Poor Jenny! She wasn't given very many breaks in her life. The contrast between what she wished for and what she had is shocking. I think your presentation of the two side by side is very effective - much more effective than if you'd simply told about her "rotten" life. You develop a nicely rounded character here through a combination of her thoughts and the narrator's words.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Poor Jenny! She wasn't given very many breaks in her life. The contrast between what she wished for and what she had is shocking. I think your presentation of the two side by side is very effective - much more effective than if you'd simply told about her "rotten" life. You develop a nicely rounded character here through a combination of her thoughts and the narrator's words.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. Yes, she had a really tought start in life, but I'm happy to report, she is healed. ~patty~
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
I like the concept of this story. The two stories running parallel work well. Some of the sentences read a bit awkward and could maybe benefit from a little restructure ie.
[Dr. Peters prepared her that these were only the first baby steps of many strides on a long road.] - words like 'that' and 'had' can weaken the writing. Sometimes they can be removed without taking anything from the storyline.
[Dr. Peters prepared her for the first baby steps of many strides on a long road]
[She didn't remember the early years, but to hear the stories that were told whenever they were together, she had been a huge burden to all of them. She cried and demanded attention. Their lives had been going so well before she came. The house they lived in was just right for four people and a fifth made it crowded.] - The extra clutter in this sentence makes it difficult to digest. It also repeats what you've already told us in the previous paragraph. perhaps you could find some way to combine the two so it reads sharper.
This story is well told and held my interest from start to finish, but your writing would be a lot stronger if you used more show instead of tell and help your readers engage with the character more.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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I like the concept of this story. The two stories running parallel work well. Some of the sentences read a bit awkward and could maybe benefit from a little restructure ie.
[Dr. Peters prepared her that these were only the first baby steps of many strides on a long road.] - words like 'that' and 'had' can weaken the writing. Sometimes they can be removed without taking anything from the storyline.
[Dr. Peters prepared her for the first baby steps of many strides on a long road]
[She didn't remember the early years, but to hear the stories that were told whenever they were together, she had been a huge burden to all of them. She cried and demanded attention. Their lives had been going so well before she came. The house they lived in was just right for four people and a fifth made it crowded.] - The extra clutter in this sentence makes it difficult to digest. It also repeats what you've already told us in the previous paragraph. perhaps you could find some way to combine the two so it reads sharper.
This story is well told and held my interest from start to finish, but your writing would be a lot stronger if you used more show instead of tell and help your readers engage with the character more.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you for reading and the generous review. I greatly appreciate your constructive critique, and will see what I can do on the rewrite. Thank you! ~patty~
Comment from humpwhistle
Patty, I really like the concept here. And the "real" story has a lot of gritty detail. But I wonder if there aren't one or two too many breaks into the fantasy story.
As a reader we catch on right away that anything you write in the fantasy is going to be the opposite of what really happened. I understand that you need to play the concept through, but maybe the fantasy portions could be shorter and more suggestive so that you aren't giving away what is going to happen next in the real story. Whew, now even I'm confused. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Patty, I really like the concept here. And the "real" story has a lot of gritty detail. But I wonder if there aren't one or two too many breaks into the fantasy story.
As a reader we catch on right away that anything you write in the fantasy is going to be the opposite of what really happened. I understand that you need to play the concept through, but maybe the fantasy portions could be shorter and more suggestive so that you aren't giving away what is going to happen next in the real story. Whew, now even I'm confused. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you for reading and reviewing - I like your suggestion, and I will see what I can do in a rewrite. As always, I appreciate the constructive criticism. ~patty~
Comment from BethShelby
Your story is well-written and interesting. I like the way you have chosen to tell a story within a story going back an forth between the version that was reality and the version that was only the way things could have been. It is sad that so many children grow up in homes where they are wanted or loved and their hopes and dreams are never to be.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Your story is well-written and interesting. I like the way you have chosen to tell a story within a story going back an forth between the version that was reality and the version that was only the way things could have been. It is sad that so many children grow up in homes where they are wanted or loved and their hopes and dreams are never to be.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. This was a difficult story to write, but I can tell you that the little girl is now healed. ~patty~
Comment from bhogg
Hi Patty - quite an interesting way to format your story. Very clever about the writing exercise. This was a pleasure to read and review. I really didn't spot any areas that would merit a revisit. Regards, Bill
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Hi Patty - quite an interesting way to format your story. Very clever about the writing exercise. This was a pleasure to read and review. I really didn't spot any areas that would merit a revisit. Regards, Bill
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you so much for reading and the generous review. This was a difficult story to write, but I can tell you that the little girl is now healed. ~patty~
Comment from JW
This was an excellent written story. Very captivating. Sometimes there is an extreme difference between one's reality, and how they wish things could have been. Your story does a great job of showing that.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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This was an excellent written story. Very captivating. Sometimes there is an extreme difference between one's reality, and how they wish things could have been. Your story does a great job of showing that.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you for reading and your very generous review. This was/is a difficult story to tell, but I can honestly say the little girl is healed. ~patty~
Comment from N.K. Wagner
It is so very sad that the first question that comes to mind is "Is it autobiographical?". For too many little girls it certainly could be. This is not only well written (which you already know) but it passes the "redeeming social value" test. This needs publishing, maybe in one of the magazines aimed at adolescent girls, or even a parenting magazine. People don't understand that emotional neglect is as bad as beatings--maybe worse. Great job. Nancy
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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It is so very sad that the first question that comes to mind is "Is it autobiographical?". For too many little girls it certainly could be. This is not only well written (which you already know) but it passes the "redeeming social value" test. This needs publishing, maybe in one of the magazines aimed at adolescent girls, or even a parenting magazine. People don't understand that emotional neglect is as bad as beatings--maybe worse. Great job. Nancy
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you. Not only for the generous scattering of stars, but for your depth of understanding. It is autobiographical and I've worked hard to 'reparent' the little girl. ~patty~
Comment from Adama
This was a very sad story to read. A powerful tool was placed in Jenny's hand by way of her first assignment. This is well written and I enjoyed the way it alternated between then and now.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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This was a very sad story to read. A powerful tool was placed in Jenny's hand by way of her first assignment. This is well written and I enjoyed the way it alternated between then and now.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2011
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Thank you for reading and the generous review. I'm glad you saw how the contrasting helped to tell the story. ~patty~