The Phone Call
Contest entry43 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
I think you have a very good grasp of flash fiction. Your prose is clear, and direct. You communicate with economy. If I may suggest an alternate ending: Eliminate
"It never came." And change the last line to "I know now, God does not answer our prayers."
I realize it changes the outcome, but it also gives the reader an opportunity to deduce what happened as opposed to being told. Forgive me for messing with your story, it is just a thought. Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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I think you have a very good grasp of flash fiction. Your prose is clear, and direct. You communicate with economy. If I may suggest an alternate ending: Eliminate
"It never came." And change the last line to "I know now, God does not answer our prayers."
I realize it changes the outcome, but it also gives the reader an opportunity to deduce what happened as opposed to being told. Forgive me for messing with your story, it is just a thought. Peace, Lee
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Not at all, I welcome all suggestions. I will take a look at that last portion and see what I can do with it. Thank you for your great review and helpful suggestion.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Well, this is just about the best flash fiction I have ever read. Val, your authentic tone grips the reader with suspense. You have such a gift! Exceptional in every way---and a contest winner for sure! Seraph~
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Well, this is just about the best flash fiction I have ever read. Val, your authentic tone grips the reader with suspense. You have such a gift! Exceptional in every way---and a contest winner for sure! Seraph~
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you so very much for your 6 stars and enthusiastic review. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from Veekz
What a truly awful situation to be in. I think you have captured the incredible loss of hope this character feels - he just comes across utterly defeated. I felt so sad reading it so well done being able to invoke such strong feelings in your readers, very profound reading :)
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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What a truly awful situation to be in. I think you have captured the incredible loss of hope this character feels - he just comes across utterly defeated. I felt so sad reading it so well done being able to invoke such strong feelings in your readers, very profound reading :)
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. I am pleased you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from Lou Briggs
What a powerful piece! Prior to joining this site, I never knew what flash fiction was, but I'm liking it more and more!
Great job conveying such strong emotion with so little words!
-Lou
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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What a powerful piece! Prior to joining this site, I never knew what flash fiction was, but I'm liking it more and more!
Great job conveying such strong emotion with so little words!
-Lou
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Not easy for me. I cannot order a latte in less than 150 words. Glad you liked this one.
Comment from babylonia
sasha,
the one good thing about death row .. you usually get a cell to yourself. yeah, i can imagine this happening? maybe it was a suicide. maybe it was an enemy? easy to read and follow. one spaggie.
the warden takes hold of my (add hand) and then nods
imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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sasha,
the one good thing about death row .. you usually get a cell to yourself. yeah, i can imagine this happening? maybe it was a suicide. maybe it was an enemy? easy to read and follow. one spaggie.
the warden takes hold of my (add hand) and then nods
imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thanks for catching the spag. I will go back and clear up the confusion over whether it was murder or suicide.
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that will be cool. i can't wait to read it.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Sasha, this is really good, I am not an expert in flash, but I read this and believe that all words are needed, to tell this story. And it's clean, I saw no spags. Sad, and my family and I know first hand about false arrest. Our son is still under the gun and we are fighting it the best we can. In THIS county, the authorities are corrupt and use their power for revenge. Pure and simple. Good old Indiana! But , your work here is real good Sasha...Should do well in the contest too! Susan
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Hi Sasha, this is really good, I am not an expert in flash, but I read this and believe that all words are needed, to tell this story. And it's clean, I saw no spags. Sad, and my family and I know first hand about false arrest. Our son is still under the gun and we are fighting it the best we can. In THIS county, the authorities are corrupt and use their power for revenge. Pure and simple. Good old Indiana! But , your work here is real good Sasha...Should do well in the contest too! Susan
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. I am pleased you liked this one despite its dark nature.
Comment from hotstuff
OMG, this is so traumatic. I found I was holding my breath, waiting for that red phone to ring, desperate for justice. How sad to think that innocent people do get killed while the guilty walk free. Your fiction certainly highlights this fact and makes me think about the dangers of corporal punishment.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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OMG, this is so traumatic. I found I was holding my breath, waiting for that red phone to ring, desperate for justice. How sad to think that innocent people do get killed while the guilty walk free. Your fiction certainly highlights this fact and makes me think about the dangers of corporal punishment.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much. That was my point. Thanks for the marvelous 6 stars, I sincerely appreciate them.
Comment from words
Wow!
A tightly told tale.
Dramatic, each an every word well chosen.
I love the ending.
Not one that is usually expected, but one that, for me, was perfect.
Love it!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Wow!
A tightly told tale.
Dramatic, each an every word well chosen.
I love the ending.
Not one that is usually expected, but one that, for me, was perfect.
Love it!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thanks so much for your positive review despite the dark nature of the subject.
Comment from LumchuckHickle
This is well done. The contest rules, I think, gave you a little more space than you used, and I think you could have done quite a bit more, especially in terms of providing more physical detail. My sense is that prisoners' minds, though often a peace at these times, are still rather volatile, still darting around a bit, either that or working to calm themselves and extinguish themselves. After all, these are the last experiences, and it must be hard to settle the mind into a single focus and relax. But, that's my story...not yours...and I can't judge you by what I would imagine. You've done a good job overall.
A couple of notes: (1) Doctors never insert the needles. This is done only by med techs. Doctors' oaths don't allow them to participate in any way in the killing part. The doctor is only present to check the body and officially pronounce death after it is all over. (2) Warden's are emotional at these things too. They sometimes even hold the inmate's hand as he dies. I've seen two, and I think the warden was as emotional as anyone at both. They know these guys.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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This is well done. The contest rules, I think, gave you a little more space than you used, and I think you could have done quite a bit more, especially in terms of providing more physical detail. My sense is that prisoners' minds, though often a peace at these times, are still rather volatile, still darting around a bit, either that or working to calm themselves and extinguish themselves. After all, these are the last experiences, and it must be hard to settle the mind into a single focus and relax. But, that's my story...not yours...and I can't judge you by what I would imagine. You've done a good job overall.
A couple of notes: (1) Doctors never insert the needles. This is done only by med techs. Doctors' oaths don't allow them to participate in any way in the killing part. The doctor is only present to check the body and officially pronounce death after it is all over. (2) Warden's are emotional at these things too. They sometimes even hold the inmate's hand as he dies. I've seen two, and I think the warden was as emotional as anyone at both. They know these guys.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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You make some very good points. I also agree it is difficult to really know what the last moments of someone would be when facing their last few minutes. I will go back and correct the point you made about the warden and med tech. Thanks for the great review
Comment from patmedium
had a another fight that ended as it
Sasha, this is very clever and feels as if the person really would get tired of it all and wish to have done with life. xxx
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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had a another fight that ended as it
Sasha, this is very clever and feels as if the person really would get tired of it all and wish to have done with life. xxx
Comment Written 07-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2010
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Thanks for catching the spag. I am pleased you liked this despite its dark nature.
