Lion Country
An unfortunate loss14 total reviews
Comment from redrider6612
This was pretty good. It could use a good trimming. Flash fiction needs to be tight and lean, without any wasted words. I have some suggestions below. Backets=delete; parenthesis=add
for a[n] [upcoming] documentary
upon [the scene of a fresh kill.] (t)hree lions [were] tearing apart a zebra
[While] the crew (scrambled to) set up the camera [to film this amazing sight,] I noticed one of the cats watching us.
but his eyes were terrifying.--in what way?
I tried again, realizing we were very vulnerable.--stating the obvious
The lion could smell crew's fear--POV shift
[Within a flash,] the [bloodied] lion leapt to his feet
started running full speed--too wordy
It was no contest--telling
[With his own kill,] the lion started tearing chunks of flesh and eating.
I tried the ignition again, this time it started.--This time the vehicle started.
Driving back, I wondered how I was going to explain this to the man's wife.--avoid "-ing" construction; try: During the drive back, I wondered how to explain this to the man's wife.
Overall, this was a pretty good attempt at flash fiction. It takes lots of practice and a willingness to trim down to get flash fiction right. I find it an excellent writing exercise. Best wishes in the contest.
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This was pretty good. It could use a good trimming. Flash fiction needs to be tight and lean, without any wasted words. I have some suggestions below. Backets=delete; parenthesis=add
for a[n] [upcoming] documentary
upon [the scene of a fresh kill.] (t)hree lions [were] tearing apart a zebra
[While] the crew (scrambled to) set up the camera [to film this amazing sight,] I noticed one of the cats watching us.
but his eyes were terrifying.--in what way?
I tried again, realizing we were very vulnerable.--stating the obvious
The lion could smell crew's fear--POV shift
[Within a flash,] the [bloodied] lion leapt to his feet
started running full speed--too wordy
It was no contest--telling
[With his own kill,] the lion started tearing chunks of flesh and eating.
I tried the ignition again, this time it started.--This time the vehicle started.
Driving back, I wondered how I was going to explain this to the man's wife.--avoid "-ing" construction; try: During the drive back, I wondered how to explain this to the man's wife.
Overall, this was a pretty good attempt at flash fiction. It takes lots of practice and a willingness to trim down to get flash fiction right. I find it an excellent writing exercise. Best wishes in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from adewpearl
Good descriptive detail of the lion's bloodied face certainly made me understand the crew's fears. I could just picture the lion winning the chase and severing the neck of the poor guy who chose to run away from the stalled car. Brooke
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Good descriptive detail of the lion's bloodied face certainly made me understand the crew's fears. I could just picture the lion winning the chase and severing the neck of the poor guy who chose to run away from the stalled car. Brooke
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from Kingsland
Than would be a very hard thing to try and explain for more than one reason. This was a very well written short story. It was my pleasure to have read and written a review for... John
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Than would be a very hard thing to try and explain for more than one reason. This was a very well written short story. It was my pleasure to have read and written a review for... John
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
Comment from Mustang Patty
Little tale with BIG impact! With a small amount of words, you were able to portray a gory scene; in one of the sentences about "the crew," you left out a word which made me stumble in reading. I did enjoy the story, though.
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Little tale with BIG impact! With a small amount of words, you were able to portray a gory scene; in one of the sentences about "the crew," you left out a word which made me stumble in reading. I did enjoy the story, though.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2010
