Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Day 2"One Man's Return From Hell
48 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
I really like the way you describe locations - the smell of smoke in the office, and the coffee cup rings on the desk - it really helps paint a picture of the scene. I also like how you get across what people are thinking in a way that sounds natural and flows well.
One minor nit:
"Who cares that my original background was dairy farmer?" - perhaps "farming" instead of "farmer"?
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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I really like the way you describe locations - the smell of smoke in the office, and the coffee cup rings on the desk - it really helps paint a picture of the scene. I also like how you get across what people are thinking in a way that sounds natural and flows well.
One minor nit:
"Who cares that my original background was dairy farmer?" - perhaps "farming" instead of "farmer"?
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much for reading! I'll look at your observation, but as a person who lives in the South, the image of dairy farmer is the one I wanted. It paints a picture in "these parts". In any event, thank you for dropping by. Regards, Bill
Comment from Fireshadow
Bill, this is another great installment in this story and your narrative is just about flawless as you further develop the plot and characters. Only a couple of suggestions to improve the flow :
(1) more formal training then [than] I do.
(2) The handle was [made] of wood, the pistol and barreling were [delete "were"] of blued steel.
(3) You forgot to include the list of characters in your author notes, as referenced at the start.
Other than this, terrific write, my friend.
Ama
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Bill, this is another great installment in this story and your narrative is just about flawless as you further develop the plot and characters. Only a couple of suggestions to improve the flow :
(1) more formal training then [than] I do.
(2) The handle was [made] of wood, the pistol and barreling were [delete "were"] of blued steel.
(3) You forgot to include the list of characters in your author notes, as referenced at the start.
Other than this, terrific write, my friend.
Ama
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Ama - thank you so much for dropping by and your great spots! I'll definitely correct. Warm regards, Bill
Comment from Begin Again
bhogg,
What a wonderful insight into the minds of small town living..your dialogue drew you into the characters and provide a vivid image. Enjoyable read...though for these tired eyes of mine the type size could be larger...but that's myy problem not yours. Enjoyable!
Carol
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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bhogg,
What a wonderful insight into the minds of small town living..your dialogue drew you into the characters and provide a vivid image. Enjoyable read...though for these tired eyes of mine the type size could be larger...but that's myy problem not yours. Enjoyable!
Carol
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Hi Carol - thanks for reading and your great feedback. No problem to crank the font size up. I'm thinking I had at 16. Regards, Bill
Comment from JeffreyStone
An interesting read. Believable dialogue. A story with a great, believable plot. Well done.
or is (he) connected at the hip
Jeffrrey
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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An interesting read. Believable dialogue. A story with a great, believable plot. Well done.
or is (he) connected at the hip
Jeffrrey
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Hi Jeffrey - if this is a multiple response, I apologize. FS has been playing funny this morning. I appreciate you reading. I made the correction. Thanks for the spot! Regards, Bill
Comment from animatqua
Your descriptions are always so great! The settings put me right into the situation. Your characters make me care about them right off the bat.
This chapter is another one of the good ones!
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Your descriptions are always so great! The settings put me right into the situation. Your characters make me care about them right off the bat.
This chapter is another one of the good ones!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thank you very much for your kind review! Regards, Bill
Comment from Heidixoxo
First of all I want you to know just how much I enjoy your type of writing. It is organized and put together nicely making the flow much easier. You have created unique characters that truly feel real to life. Nicely done my friend. I look forward to reading more of your work in the near future......xoxo
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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First of all I want you to know just how much I enjoy your type of writing. It is organized and put together nicely making the flow much easier. You have created unique characters that truly feel real to life. Nicely done my friend. I look forward to reading more of your work in the near future......xoxo
Comment Written 04-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading and for your kind and generous review!
Comment from pickthorn
I liked your description of Alva and how he was thinking he was getting old and they didn't trust him to do the job anymore. I'm glad Stan called and interrupted his plan. You do a good job of writing. It makes the reader feel like he is right there watching the whole thing that's going on. I am enjoying following the story.
pickthorn
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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I liked your description of Alva and how he was thinking he was getting old and they didn't trust him to do the job anymore. I'm glad Stan called and interrupted his plan. You do a good job of writing. It makes the reader feel like he is right there watching the whole thing that's going on. I am enjoying following the story.
pickthorn
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thank you Pickthorn - I appreciate your support of the story. Regards, Bill
Comment from Ann Smith
Yes, this story brings out the images and details of all the glory in the sheriff's department of a little town. This reminds me of a few counties that I live close to. I won't call any names. I especially like the details of riding and seeing the sheriff in action. The hook is good for the next chapter. ann
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Yes, this story brings out the images and details of all the glory in the sheriff's department of a little town. This reminds me of a few counties that I live close to. I won't call any names. I especially like the details of riding and seeing the sheriff in action. The hook is good for the next chapter. ann
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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Thanks for reading Ann. If you feel "hooked", I've been partially successful. Regards, Bill
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You are welcome. ann
Comment from krdeering
I am mighty impressed with your ability to tell a complex tale with professional skill (professional both at the writing itself--perfect in every way--and the details of the profession you are describing). I'm glad I dropped in to review.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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I am mighty impressed with your ability to tell a complex tale with professional skill (professional both at the writing itself--perfect in every way--and the details of the profession you are describing). I'm glad I dropped in to review.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2010
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I'm glad you dropped in as well. Thanks for reading and for your kind words. Regards, Bill
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I smiled when I saw that you posted. I knew I would have a fun read and you didn't disappoint me.
He answered. "This is Dent." (comma after answered)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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I smiled when I saw that you posted. I knew I would have a fun read and you didn't disappoint me.
He answered. "This is Dent." (comma after answered)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2010
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Thank you for reading Barbara, and I'm of course glad I made you smile :) Hope you are doing well. Always warm regards, Bill
