Comment from RazberryBullet

Excellent

Liked the 'regroup' here. It fits perfectly with the situation :)

Got a chuckle here: I was just lucky to be at the wrong place at the right time ;p

suggestions: (repetition)Jimmy came down the steps and standing (right) in front of Lael, grabbed both her arms and bent down to look her (right) in the eye. "Are you all (right) brat?".......it was strange that you were (heading) down the road this afternoon. First, why were you on foot? Second, are you just passing through, or are you (headed) somewhere?"... I wasn't (headed) anywhere

Whoa! Great hook at the end!

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks RB - I'll definitely take a look at your suggestions. I always appreciate your input!

reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks RB - I'll definitely take a look at your suggestions. I always appreciate your input!

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I have updated your rating.

The plot is good the characters are strong. Make these corrections and I will upgrade the rating.

(The following two sentences have responded in them. You probably will want to change one of them.)
Squinting, Lael responded, "I know where the sheriff's office is and I know the sheriff. I'm not sure we should go to him."

Puzzled, Dax responded, "Why wouldn't you want to go to the sheriff?"

Dax noticed a flinch and a slight reddening of her eyes as Lael responded, "Nothing really happened between them. (I am beginning to think responded is your favorite word.)

Dax smiled, "No, not Superman. (smiled is not a speech tag, period)

With that, Lael leaned over the seat and touching Dax's arm, said, (Try: With that, Lael leaned over the seat, touched Dax's arm, and said,)

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Barbara - you have no idea how much I appreciate you. Those were all great spots. I have changed each area. You are so special to take the time to actually read and give such wonderful feedback.

Comment from InHisownwrite

Excellent

Wow! a great ending... Was not ready for that....
But, you held my interest all the way through....
My favorite descriptive writing was the interlude between the two while driving and using the cell phone at the same time.... I could really visualize that.....
It's coming along great... Love this chapter..
Bryan

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks Bryan - I really do appreciate your support. Regards, Bill

Comment from lola29

Excellent

Uh oh! Everything was moving along quite nicely, until the end, and now Dax, the man I've become attracted to, is most likely going to be charged with murder, but surely Lael's testimony will prove that he didn't shoot them. This is a very interesting story, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

I'd tell ya whats going to happen but then I'd hafta kill ya.

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

Bill you should know by now to have Lael prints on the gun and make sure the gun belonged to Dax long lost grandfather. This is very well written with smooth flowing dialogue. Good job.

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks Charlie - I was actually going to use you as one of the villians, but thought it would be tacky.

reply by c_lucas on 23-Aug-2010

You're welcome.Bill. Chaswriter made me into a robot. Feel free to do you best. Remember one thing. Paybacks can be a bitch! (LOL) Charlie

Comment from MumEsGirl

Excellent

Very entertaining read. This piece held my attention throughout. Easy conversational style, with a major sting in the tale.

Look forward to reading more of your works

kate

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 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks Kate - I appreciate you reading and for your kind words.

Comment from Writeaway...

Excellent

Excellent chapter add to your novel bhogg, you certainly left me wondering what's going to happen next, I found no spags whatsoever and was kept interested from the beginning excellent job, keep writing!!

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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 23-Aug-2010

Thanks for reading Jake and for the enthusiastic feedback! I know whats going to happen next, but if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya.