Comment from lola29

Excellent

I know I've said it before, but honestly, you are a great storyteller and a great writer. It's so easy for me to get lost in this story, and I truly felt Dax's pain in not being able to save his daughther, while attempting to save another girl. Can you imagaine the guilt he must feel? I can't wait for the next installment.

 Comment Written 20-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks Lola - I'm actually trying to outline out the next 3 chapters. A book is a lot more work than a story. I truly appreciate when you stop by. Regards, Bill

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

It was 10 years prior - ten
What a tragic back story - you describe in grim detail the horrific way in which his wife fought to the end but how she and their daughter died anyway
You also explain his history with the secret service clearly and in believable detail. Brooke

 Comment Written 20-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks for reading Brooke and for your attention to detail. I'll make that change. I think this will be fun. Most of what I've written have been short stories. I'll just stick to my motto: Ignorance can't stop me!

reply by adewpearl on 20-Aug-2010

Love your motto. LOL

Comment from Ann Smith

Excellent

This story has the qualities to make a good novel. It has suspense, murder, love, intrique and conflict. What more could you want from a storyline? You have a ended with a good hook. Mr. Mr. are you okay? ann

 Comment Written 20-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks for reading Ann and for your kind comments. I'm outlining the next few chapters right now. Regards, Bill

Comment from patwannabe

Excellent

Bill, I'm glad you're going on with this story. Chapter one was wonderful. Most of this chap was great, but I would rather all the info about Dax's entry and training might have been incorporated as the plot progressed or maybe a little more "show" than tell. Don't change anything, tho. Also, but apparently, his wife also died? I'm sure that is part of the reason he's walking the tracks even though it was many years before. Keep writing, pat

 Comment Written 20-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Hi Pat - thanks for reading and for your insight. Much appreciated. I really struggled over how to explain Dax's entry and training, and dealt with it this way. I do think that I'll be flipping back to Dax of the past to Dax of the present. Regards,

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

A modern day Gideon. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.

 Comment Written 20-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks Charlie - I'm always glad when you stop by. Bill

reply by c_lucas on 20-Aug-2010

You're welcome, Bill. Charlie

Comment from anabelle

Excellent

This sounds like a great story, Bill. I love the mixture of political beliefs and actions.

This chapter may have been enhanced by showing us some of the information you're telling us.

Thanks for the good read.

Regards, anabelle

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks Anabelle - you are of course right. The purpose of this chapter was to really begin to explain Dax enough to allow a bit more showing in future chapters. Thanks for reading. Regards, Bill

Comment from RebelRose

Excellent

I don't remember reading part 1 of this. I don't know how I missed it. This is pretty interesting. I will be looking for more chapters.

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2010

Thanks Patty - this is probably going to be a stretch for me as I've never written anything other than short stories. What the heck, my motto: ignorance can't stop me!

reply by RebelRose on 20-Aug-2010

Go for it!!! I have faith in you. Besides, you'll never know until you try.
Patty

Comment from S. R. Christian

Excellent

An intriguing plot, for sure. The character's background is straight forward, which made this chapter seem stalled, but it's necessary for later chapters. For myself, I would like to see some of the lines strengthened. There was enough detail, but sentences like '...this group could reach out and hurt you' feels like a threat we know is empty. If the descriptions could be elevated to another level, I think this story would not only be good, but addictive. Good luck with the rest of the story!

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010

Thank you for your input. I will definitely take a look at the areas that you mention. There is a chapter 1 that I hope you can look at. What I was trying to attempt with this chapter is lay the groundwork for future ones. I do appreciate that you read and commented. Regards, Bill

Comment from InHisownwrite

Excellent

I like this.....(Dax staggered when he heard the girl's name) You immmediately wonder why?.... This pulls you in...
I like the charcter development of Dax.....
We learn a little bit about his past... what happened, etc...how he got involved in all of this as well....
Love the last sentance... Makes you want to read more...
Bryan

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010

Hi Bryan - thank you very much for reading and for your feedback. I'm in the process of outlining some of the future chapters now. Regards, Bill

reply by InHisownwrite on 19-Aug-2010

You are welcome... Look forward to it.. Bryan

Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran

Excellent

This was well written and it has character. The story is full of imagery and it held my interest right to the end.
I would not change any of it . Mary

 Comment Written 19-Aug-2010

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reply by the author on 19-Aug-2010

Thanks Mary - I haven't put any points on it yet, but I hope you get a chance to read chapter 1. Regards, Bill