Trapped
He spent too much time in the restroom.65 total reviews
Comment from closetpoetjester
This was an excellent read. You write extremely well so descriptive in a kind of no bullshit way. It is very refreshing. This story was fantastic until Jackie killed the cop... and then ofcourse nailed Fuzzy aswell. I would love to know what happened from there ... whether there was a stand off or whether he came out with his hands up. Whatever the case this was actually one of the best short stories I have read so far. Just wish there were more.
Cheers closetpoetjester
PS some of your phraseology was gold and I think my favourite description was " the cannonball scrotum" comment. There was a large amount of humour within this story for me too.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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This was an excellent read. You write extremely well so descriptive in a kind of no bullshit way. It is very refreshing. This story was fantastic until Jackie killed the cop... and then ofcourse nailed Fuzzy aswell. I would love to know what happened from there ... whether there was a stand off or whether he came out with his hands up. Whatever the case this was actually one of the best short stories I have read so far. Just wish there were more.
Cheers closetpoetjester
PS some of your phraseology was gold and I think my favourite description was " the cannonball scrotum" comment. There was a large amount of humour within this story for me too.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Hello there, and welcome aboard Fanstory! I want you to know I sincerely appreciate this review...It has some depth and I can tell you did appreciate the read...That is what I am looking for. I will be watching for your work as well, if you don't mind. What is your name if I may ask? Best regards, Bob (Mastery)
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Hello again and thanks for the story. I think I shall click onto your profile as I dont want to miss any no bullshit story telling. You certainly have talent. My real name is Phillippa... yes its a rare one but I guess so am I. Cheers closetpoetjester
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LOL...Good sense of humor, I see...For more of this type story (I write a lot of them) See double Trouble" and "Fire and Ice" And my pride and joy, "The Interview" All in my profile...Thanks again, sincerely..Bob
Comment from JeffreyStone
Two things I know from reading this story: Sometime in your life, you spent time in a sleazy bar and you write really well. The description of your characters and their motions were outstanding as was the visual pictures you painted of the surroundings and action. Great job. Good luck in the contest. Travis
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Two things I know from reading this story: Sometime in your life, you spent time in a sleazy bar and you write really well. The description of your characters and their motions were outstanding as was the visual pictures you painted of the surroundings and action. Great job. Good luck in the contest. Travis
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Travis... I see you have an entry also....I will be reading it asap...Good luck and thanks again...Bob
Comment from fictionwriter
No guessing on who killed the guys in this scenario. I bet that neither one of the guys he shot thought they'd be dead on the floor. Great job.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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No guessing on who killed the guys in this scenario. I bet that neither one of the guys he shot thought they'd be dead on the floor. Great job.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thanks fictionwriter. I appreciate your review...Bob
Comment from 801hansen
I really enjoyed reading this. Your description was right on, I was able to picture it in my head. You left me wanting to read more.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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I really enjoyed reading this. Your description was right on, I was able to picture it in my head. You left me wanting to read more.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Good, hansen...What did you think of Fuzzy and his job considering hisfriend? Just curious...Please let me know I will be waiting...Bob
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Bob, I'm sorry for the slow reply. Between work and kids, I don't get on here as much as I'd like.
Please help me understand your question a bit. Are you wondering if it made sense for Fuzzy to be a bartender since his friend was an alcoholic? (at least that's how I read CM) I believed the two had a good rapport and it was very natural.
Let me know if that answered your question.
Linda
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LOL...Actually no, I meant as a characterization in and of himself...His traits etc from a writing perspective...Thanks so much...Bob
Comment from Kellytr
Mastery,
You certainly have style. I'm not sure what it is that so appeals to me about your writing, there's a comfortable familiarity about it. It just takes me back in time - I can clearly see Humphrey Bogart playing Casey, even though your description would probably better suit an aging Robert Mitchum. A great read! Kelly
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Mastery,
You certainly have style. I'm not sure what it is that so appeals to me about your writing, there's a comfortable familiarity about it. It just takes me back in time - I can clearly see Humphrey Bogart playing Casey, even though your description would probably better suit an aging Robert Mitchum. A great read! Kelly
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Kelly. I appreciate your insights here...Good choices.....Bob
Comment from RazberryBullet
I hope he's caught red-handed!!
Liked these lines: As a rule their killers couldn't masturbate without a diagram.LOL!!!..The only thing missing was a T-shirt that said Con Artist. ;p
Well done!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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I hope he's caught red-handed!!
Liked these lines: As a rule their killers couldn't masturbate without a diagram.LOL!!!..The only thing missing was a T-shirt that said Con Artist. ;p
Well done!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much, Razz. I appreciate your review...Glad you liked those little tidbits...Bob
Comment from bookishfabler
The story was very good and so much fun to read. Also in my favorite genre. There are a few things to take a look at though.
A narrow entry skirted past the bar with its shabby leatherette stools, a couple of tables sat in back with a color TV. (Either make this two sentences or remove comma and replace with 'and')
A shuffleboard bowling game, and what appeared to be a little-used dartboard(,) hugged the wall.
I don't have one in front of me to check, but the firt time you write 7-Up, and later half-way down, you write Seven-Up. I think the first one is right.
Jackie Gidlings (was) a street punk. His front teeth (were) rimmed in gold, and he (had) a diamond stud in his ear. The only thing missing (was) a T-shirt that said Con Artist. (Though this is a clever description, I have to say it is a might passive.
Jackie Gidlings was a street punk, with front teeth rimmed in gold and a diamond stud in his ear.
out of their sockets ,(move comma) smash his testicles, crush his windpipe and watch him suffocate.
"Arrogant fucking pig," he breathed as he kicked Casey's bloody head.
(I'm not sure breathed qualifies as a speech tag. how about he said, breathing heavy as he kicked....)
Jackie's chest was heaving,
Jackie's chest heaved.
When he reached the door, he discovered (-that) it also was armed with a coded security lock. Motherfucker!
Hope this is helpful. good luck in the contest.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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The story was very good and so much fun to read. Also in my favorite genre. There are a few things to take a look at though.
A narrow entry skirted past the bar with its shabby leatherette stools, a couple of tables sat in back with a color TV. (Either make this two sentences or remove comma and replace with 'and')
A shuffleboard bowling game, and what appeared to be a little-used dartboard(,) hugged the wall.
I don't have one in front of me to check, but the firt time you write 7-Up, and later half-way down, you write Seven-Up. I think the first one is right.
Jackie Gidlings (was) a street punk. His front teeth (were) rimmed in gold, and he (had) a diamond stud in his ear. The only thing missing (was) a T-shirt that said Con Artist. (Though this is a clever description, I have to say it is a might passive.
Jackie Gidlings was a street punk, with front teeth rimmed in gold and a diamond stud in his ear.
out of their sockets ,(move comma) smash his testicles, crush his windpipe and watch him suffocate.
"Arrogant fucking pig," he breathed as he kicked Casey's bloody head.
(I'm not sure breathed qualifies as a speech tag. how about he said, breathing heavy as he kicked....)
Jackie's chest was heaving,
Jackie's chest heaved.
When he reached the door, he discovered (-that) it also was armed with a coded security lock. Motherfucker!
Hope this is helpful. good luck in the contest.
hugs
book
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Book...Bob
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Thanks for all of your help, Book...I will consider these things...Bob
Comment from gene_ink
Very good piece of work. I can almost smell the staleness of the bar because of your strong descriptions. You should do well in the contest.
Gene
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Very good piece of work. I can almost smell the staleness of the bar because of your strong descriptions. You should do well in the contest.
Gene
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Thanks, Gene. I appreciate your review....Bob
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
This is really a great entry into the contest! I was so engrossed in this read beginning to end. Your descriptives are very vivid and I felt like I was a bystander in the bar overseeing the whole thing go down. What an excellent story...great luck in the contest. Hugs and smiles, Susanne
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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This is really a great entry into the contest! I was so engrossed in this read beginning to end. Your descriptives are very vivid and I felt like I was a bystander in the bar overseeing the whole thing go down. What an excellent story...great luck in the contest. Hugs and smiles, Susanne
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Awww. you are such a sweetheart. and so encouraging. Thanks sincerely, Susanne..And the sixer is theultimate compliment on this site. .Bob
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is such a well presented
piece, I could find nothing that
would want altering -- another
interesting read - most impressive,
Bob.
shootin(')
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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This is such a well presented
piece, I could find nothing that
would want altering -- another
interesting read - most impressive,
Bob.
shootin(')
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Awww. Tanks so very much, Margaret. I sincerely appreciate your review....Bob
