The Ice Princess
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Mother's Fear"Love, Hate, Conflicts and Fear
37 total reviews
Comment from ozwords
This is so well written, moves quickly and although I am a new writer to this site I shall be following the story to the end. When does the book come out?
Wonderful dialogue, wonderful pace. I kep repeating myself, not a good thing in a writer is it? Well done. I do hope there is more in your tank so to speak.
Ozwords
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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This is so well written, moves quickly and although I am a new writer to this site I shall be following the story to the end. When does the book come out?
Wonderful dialogue, wonderful pace. I kep repeating myself, not a good thing in a writer is it? Well done. I do hope there is more in your tank so to speak.
Ozwords
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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OZWORDS
Nice to make your acquaintance and welcome to the site. I hope that you enjoy yourself.
Thank you very much for reading my story and offering such lofty praise. You can keep repeating yourself all you want...I'll not get bored with hearing it's wonderful!! LOL
I am writing this for a publishing company and fan story..It's a contest on this site. The winner gets a contract. So I am very pleased that you are enjoying it.
If you like, you can become a fan and then you will be automatically notified of additional postings. Currently I have 3 chapters posted.
Thanks again for your gracious praise and the stars. I am humbled by your generosity.
Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from L.lora
I know, I'm doing this
all backwards, but it
is definitely worth it.
You have a great storyline,
I'm so glad I caught it..
I'll have to make sure I
don't miss any parts of this
well crafted easy to read
fast moving story..exciting
and excellent.. Lora
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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I know, I'm doing this
all backwards, but it
is definitely worth it.
You have a great storyline,
I'm so glad I caught it..
I'll have to make sure I
don't miss any parts of this
well crafted easy to read
fast moving story..exciting
and excellent.. Lora
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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Lora
You can do it any way you want as long as you enjoy and continuing reading. Thanks so much! Carol
Comment from BPL76
I have read other works from you and i am still amazed by your talent
This piece flows well
I will read more
Well worth it
BPL...........
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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I have read other works from you and i am still amazed by your talent
This piece flows well
I will read more
Well worth it
BPL...........
Comment Written 09-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2009
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BPL
This is a short novella for a publishing contest so I appreciate all your comments. If you would like, you can become a fan and be notified when the other chapters are posted.
Regardless, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to read. Thanks again, Carol
Comment from Sarabran
A great job you have done with this, and I can't wait to read more.I am getting ready to go to the next chapter as soon as I leave here. You writing is so easy to follow down to earth and real ! Sara :)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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A great job you have done with this, and I can't wait to read more.I am getting ready to go to the next chapter as soon as I leave here. You writing is so easy to follow down to earth and real ! Sara :)
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Sara
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. See you in the next chapter. Carol
Comment from nor84
I found a few things to sugges:
The "headline" seems long to me. Probably better to make it catchier and then expand in the first paragraph. The newspaper would be trying to sell papers and wouldn't give much away in the headline except sensationalism.
Maybe something like "Human Bones Found in Desert" -- just a suggestion. Play around with it as if you were a newspaper editor wanting to "hook" your reader into buying your paper. Should be eye-catching and short. The "story" comes out in newspaper "pyramid" style, with important info in first paragraph, less important in second paragraph, etc.
Police Chief O'Donnell said, "The perpetrator remains at large. In my opinion, we are looking for a very disturbed person who is abducting and murdering our innocent children.">>>I don't think a newspaper would quote in dialogue with quotation marks. Probably just: Chief O'Donnell of the (Police dept acronym, i.e., NYPD, LAPD, etc) reports the perpetrator is still at large and appears to be .... I'd get away from the 'abducting and murdering our innocent children' thing. In my opinion, it's not something a male police official would say -- too emotional. Besides, there's a reference to 'innocent children' later in the story by one of the women. He might warn mothers to take certain precautions, and he might ask the public to come forth with information... that sort of thing.
"[You haven't had a vacation in six years, not since the divorce. ]It would be good for both of you." Hanna was one of God's angels. From the first moment she answered Reilly's babysitting ad, they'd been family. [Reilly knew Hanna loved Macy as if she were her own grandchild.]>>>>I'm recommending getting rid of the bracketed sentences. The first one is a person telling another person what both already know, and you can work in the 'six years' thing when you mention the divorce later (if it's important). For the second bracketed sentence, you can just say 'Hanna loved Macy as if she were her own grandchild.' As narrator, you ARE the character Reilly who is telling the story, so what she knows, you know. Same goes for what she sees, hears, smells, feels, etc. No need to say "Reilly knew that..."
I'd be sittin' out back in my rocking (rockin') chair, wastin' >>>writing dialect with a dropped 'g' is difficult (I know!) Use your word search to find ing, and fix those in dialog.
Her acquittal ratio of 95%, proved >>>comma not needed. Separates subject (ratio) from verb (proved).
Returning the kiss, Reilly ruffled [her daughter's] (Macy's)>>>I recommend using the name, because you've just used 'mother's cheek' and 'daughter's hair' is too much like it.
Blowing a kiss [to her mom], she hurried toward the door. >>>two people in the scene, and of course the kiss was meant for her mom. Those prepositional phrases can really sneak up on you.
The point the point of view changes from Reilly to Macy when Macy gets in the car, but it changes rapidly back to Reilly. I wouldn't switch to the child's viewpoint. Maybe Reilly can hear the exchange between Hanna and Macy. Should be only one viewpoint per scene.
As teenagers (not As a teenagers)
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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I found a few things to sugges:
The "headline" seems long to me. Probably better to make it catchier and then expand in the first paragraph. The newspaper would be trying to sell papers and wouldn't give much away in the headline except sensationalism.
Maybe something like "Human Bones Found in Desert" -- just a suggestion. Play around with it as if you were a newspaper editor wanting to "hook" your reader into buying your paper. Should be eye-catching and short. The "story" comes out in newspaper "pyramid" style, with important info in first paragraph, less important in second paragraph, etc.
Police Chief O'Donnell said, "The perpetrator remains at large. In my opinion, we are looking for a very disturbed person who is abducting and murdering our innocent children.">>>I don't think a newspaper would quote in dialogue with quotation marks. Probably just: Chief O'Donnell of the (Police dept acronym, i.e., NYPD, LAPD, etc) reports the perpetrator is still at large and appears to be .... I'd get away from the 'abducting and murdering our innocent children' thing. In my opinion, it's not something a male police official would say -- too emotional. Besides, there's a reference to 'innocent children' later in the story by one of the women. He might warn mothers to take certain precautions, and he might ask the public to come forth with information... that sort of thing.
"[You haven't had a vacation in six years, not since the divorce. ]It would be good for both of you." Hanna was one of God's angels. From the first moment she answered Reilly's babysitting ad, they'd been family. [Reilly knew Hanna loved Macy as if she were her own grandchild.]>>>>I'm recommending getting rid of the bracketed sentences. The first one is a person telling another person what both already know, and you can work in the 'six years' thing when you mention the divorce later (if it's important). For the second bracketed sentence, you can just say 'Hanna loved Macy as if she were her own grandchild.' As narrator, you ARE the character Reilly who is telling the story, so what she knows, you know. Same goes for what she sees, hears, smells, feels, etc. No need to say "Reilly knew that..."
I'd be sittin' out back in my rocking (rockin') chair, wastin' >>>writing dialect with a dropped 'g' is difficult (I know!) Use your word search to find ing, and fix those in dialog.
Her acquittal ratio of 95%, proved >>>comma not needed. Separates subject (ratio) from verb (proved).
Returning the kiss, Reilly ruffled [her daughter's] (Macy's)>>>I recommend using the name, because you've just used 'mother's cheek' and 'daughter's hair' is too much like it.
Blowing a kiss [to her mom], she hurried toward the door. >>>two people in the scene, and of course the kiss was meant for her mom. Those prepositional phrases can really sneak up on you.
The point the point of view changes from Reilly to Macy when Macy gets in the car, but it changes rapidly back to Reilly. I wouldn't switch to the child's viewpoint. Maybe Reilly can hear the exchange between Hanna and Macy. Should be only one viewpoint per scene.
As teenagers (not As a teenagers)
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Nor
Can't thank you enough.
The headlines were taken from an actual paper, but after your suggestions, I did decide to change it.
I think I corrected everything except I am not sure I got the part right where I had Reilly listening to Hanna and Macy as they drove away.
You have been a fantastic help and I really appreciate it. You make your suggestions so clear. Very helpful!
Thanks again...Carol
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I looked again at the place where Reilly watches them leave. Probably have to have the car door open for part of it, then she stops hearing them when the car door closes.
I suggest more revision here:
"You're right. I could never leave you." Macy was blossoming into a beautiful, energetic young girl and blessed with her mommy's genes, quick wit, intelligence and loving heart. >>>>The description has nothing to do with the dialog and should be in a separate paragraph. Reilly is narrating (not Hanna) so the reference to 'her mommy's genes' should go. Reilly can think that Macy is all those things -- beautiful, quick-witted, etc--but the 'mommy' reference and placement of this description seem wrong to me.
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Nor...
Does this work?
Reilly walked over to the car and leaned through the window. "Thanks for coming early."
"No problem." Turning to Macy,she teased, "If she get's any slower though, I might leave her." Hanna's portly body jiggled with her laughter.
"Oh, Hanna, you wouldn't leave me." Looking more comical than indignant, she made a face.
"You're right. I could never leave you." They called goodbye as Reilly entered the house.
Thanks again...Carol
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That works.
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Before you edit the completed first draft, set it in a drawer for at least a week to let it get cold. Then, you'll see where it needs changes. If you try to do that when it's 'hot', you'll overlook things.
Comment from Suzie B
Hullo Carol, it's around 3.00 am Friday morning here in Oz,
I haven't been to bed yet, but wanted to read your first chapter.
This is evolving well...the pace is not too fast, which would be difficult as you are restricted to 10,000 words...
I like the fact that you are weaving in the mystery with this one, some romance novells tend to be wishy-washy...this has more teeth. I look forward to reading more, always a good sign. This is a difficult genre...I for one would have problems writing the steamier stuff, that seems to be a huge component in the requirements.
But I know you will merge it well, you are a marvellous writer my friend, and this is flowing well thus far.
On to chapter 2 and then bed.
Hugs
Suzie
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Hullo Carol, it's around 3.00 am Friday morning here in Oz,
I haven't been to bed yet, but wanted to read your first chapter.
This is evolving well...the pace is not too fast, which would be difficult as you are restricted to 10,000 words...
I like the fact that you are weaving in the mystery with this one, some romance novells tend to be wishy-washy...this has more teeth. I look forward to reading more, always a good sign. This is a difficult genre...I for one would have problems writing the steamier stuff, that seems to be a huge component in the requirements.
But I know you will merge it well, you are a marvellous writer my friend, and this is flowing well thus far.
On to chapter 2 and then bed.
Hugs
Suzie
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Suzie
Thanks for the encouragement...I really needed. You are a wonderful friend. Smiles, CArol
Comment from light
This is an easy read. It looks like you have a good start on a novel. Your characters are strong and the story moves along rapidly. I enjoyed reading it.
Elaine
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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This is an easy read. It looks like you have a good start on a novel. Your characters are strong and the story moves along rapidly. I enjoyed reading it.
Elaine
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Elaine
I hope that you will continue to read and please feel free to mention any thing that doesn't seem right. I am entering a contest and reviewing helps me get it right. Thanks so much. Carol
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed this chapter. It gives me a good idea of the dynamics of the family and tells me somehting about the character of Reilly. It is a good beginning chapter. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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I enjoyed this chapter. It gives me a good idea of the dynamics of the family and tells me somehting about the character of Reilly. It is a good beginning chapter. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Beth
So far I am comfortable with the story too but later I have to introduce the steamy parts which I'm not so sure of..never have I written like that before. thanks for the encouragement so far. Carol
Comment from irishauthorme
A fast-paced beginning, and you put the tension right out there in our faces with the newspaper article adding authority and realism.
The setting was well written, but eprhaps some more physical desriptions of the environment would be an achor for the reader so we could place ourselves more firmly into the dtory.
But, I will have to read further and see what happens!
Good job, interesting.
Irish
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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A fast-paced beginning, and you put the tension right out there in our faces with the newspaper article adding authority and realism.
The setting was well written, but eprhaps some more physical desriptions of the environment would be an achor for the reader so we could place ourselves more firmly into the dtory.
But, I will have to read further and see what happens!
Good job, interesting.
Irish
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Irish
It's difficult to get too descriptive because I am only allowed 10,000 words which appears to be consumed much faster than one would expect. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from AnnaLinda
Begin Again,
You are such a great poet, I had no idea that you were such an accomplished writer! I thoroughly enjoyed your chapter 1 of "A Mother's Fear" ...and a mother's fear and apprehension you sure did capture in this section!
This was fast paced, well written and I enjoyed reading it BA! I look forward to your other chapters.
SweetLinda
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Begin Again,
You are such a great poet, I had no idea that you were such an accomplished writer! I thoroughly enjoyed your chapter 1 of "A Mother's Fear" ...and a mother's fear and apprehension you sure did capture in this section!
This was fast paced, well written and I enjoyed reading it BA! I look forward to your other chapters.
SweetLinda
Comment Written 08-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2009
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Linda
Writing is my true love and I hope that others see that and enjoy what I write. I just posted chapter 2. Thanks for the kind comments. I greatly appreciate the encouragement. Carol