Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Unsung Hero"A book of a mixture of stories
26 total reviews
Comment from OldVet
In my opinion, this is a bit long and descriptive for a "flash" fiction. A good story, nevertheless. I'd suggest trimming any words that don't really add to the scenario and eliminate any passive verbs.
under water [underwater]
"It's okay[;] mommy's got you."
pealing [peeling] their flesh away
The E[MT] shook his head[.] Not a speech tag.
The train cars [rocked] back and forth on the tracks.
Rescue personnel [were - delete, passive] assist[ed] the injured.
With each explosion, the flames grew taller. Pieces of metal and railroad ties were raining from the sky.
Wordy for a flash fiction. Try: With each explosion, the flames grew. Metal and railroad ties rained down.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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In my opinion, this is a bit long and descriptive for a "flash" fiction. A good story, nevertheless. I'd suggest trimming any words that don't really add to the scenario and eliminate any passive verbs.
under water [underwater]
"It's okay[;] mommy's got you."
pealing [peeling] their flesh away
The E[MT] shook his head[.] Not a speech tag.
The train cars [rocked] back and forth on the tracks.
Rescue personnel [were - delete, passive] assist[ed] the injured.
With each explosion, the flames grew taller. Pieces of metal and railroad ties were raining from the sky.
Wordy for a flash fiction. Try: With each explosion, the flames grew. Metal and railroad ties rained down.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Oldvet...
Thanks for the comments and ideas. I have a difficult time with flash fiction because I want to describe everything. Thanks for the tips. Carol
Comment from Jessica Bell
This is a great idea for a flash fiction story, and I think you're off to a fine start in crafting this tale. I noticed a few small things that you may consider changing. At one point, you spell Bobby's name "Bobbie." Not sure which one it should be, but you'll want to stay consistent.
You also write "The heat blistered their bodies, pealing their flesh away." The word you're looking for is "peeling."
I enjoyed your story, but rated it four stars because I was a bit confused at the beginning. Why were the tracks underwater? I was unsure if Zeta and her children pulled up to the tracks in the same place as the police officers, and if so, why they didn't keep traffic from crossing? Wouldn't it be dangerous for a car to cross submerged tracks?
I think that maybe adding a bit of background at the beginning would help clarify things a bit more. Regardless, good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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This is a great idea for a flash fiction story, and I think you're off to a fine start in crafting this tale. I noticed a few small things that you may consider changing. At one point, you spell Bobby's name "Bobbie." Not sure which one it should be, but you'll want to stay consistent.
You also write "The heat blistered their bodies, pealing their flesh away." The word you're looking for is "peeling."
I enjoyed your story, but rated it four stars because I was a bit confused at the beginning. Why were the tracks underwater? I was unsure if Zeta and her children pulled up to the tracks in the same place as the police officers, and if so, why they didn't keep traffic from crossing? Wouldn't it be dangerous for a car to cross submerged tracks?
I think that maybe adding a bit of background at the beginning would help clarify things a bit more. Regardless, good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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You are right about the tracks. Unfortunately, this happened and the police noted the damage and left expecting the railroad to take care of it. The standing water had washed away the gravel but no one could see it. It was tragic.
As far as the flash fiction goes, I guess I'm suppose to keep narrowing it down leaving some of the story to be formed by the reader. Got me! I'm new at this!
Thanks for the comments. Carol
Comment from jlsavell
Begin Again, what a tragic and horrifc accident. In this short story you manged to evoke deep emotions with stark images and great developemt of the critcal pieces that bring the reader to the scene..well done..best wishes on the prompt..jlsavell
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Begin Again, what a tragic and horrifc accident. In this short story you manged to evoke deep emotions with stark images and great developemt of the critcal pieces that bring the reader to the scene..well done..best wishes on the prompt..jlsavell
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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jlsavell
Thank you for your kind comments. This incident was so traumatic and senseless. Thank you for reading. Carol C
Comment from WRITER1
People are incredible, think about it, some of them wouldn't even speak to you on the street. But let something happen and they're there to help in a flash. Human nature never ceases to amaze me.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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People are incredible, think about it, some of them wouldn't even speak to you on the street. But let something happen and they're there to help in a flash. Human nature never ceases to amaze me.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Writer1
Isn't it strange that the every day person came to the rescue, but top officials essentially ignored the priblem until it was too late? Thanks for reading and commenting. Carol C
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That's because it wasn't thei lives in danger. Big companies don't give a hoot about the common man.
Donna
Comment from adewpearl
smashed against the ground, missing them add comma
How horrid that this is true, that somehow the railroad people were not aware they had a train where they had a train - how is that even possible?? To think this horrific accident could have easily been prevented - your description of the explosions and the damage done - the horrible wounds and burns people suffered, really drives home the point as does the moving scene of the lifeless woman covering the body of her child to shield it. This is excellent flash fiction. Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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smashed against the ground, missing them add comma
How horrid that this is true, that somehow the railroad people were not aware they had a train where they had a train - how is that even possible?? To think this horrific accident could have easily been prevented - your description of the explosions and the damage done - the horrible wounds and burns people suffered, really drives home the point as does the moving scene of the lifeless woman covering the body of her child to shield it. This is excellent flash fiction. Brooke
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Brooke..
That will be the big question for the investigators...a simple phone call could have stopped this train, but no one made it. Officials say we were lucky that only one life was lost...one life is too many! Not to mention the mental and physical scars on everyone else that was there. My heart breaks for those people and their families.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate it! Carol
Comment from louparis
Excellent short story. Graphic and realistic in all respects and with a moral of great importance - sacrifice and love. A story about unexpected heroism that occurs unheralded every day throughout the world. There is still hope for mankind beyond the corporate greed.
Lou Paris
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Excellent short story. Graphic and realistic in all respects and with a moral of great importance - sacrifice and love. A story about unexpected heroism that occurs unheralded every day throughout the world. There is still hope for mankind beyond the corporate greed.
Lou Paris
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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louparis...
I hope so! But if the train executives had made a telephone call maybe this could have been prevented...a tragedy for all.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I greatly appreciate it! Carol
Comment from dmjones
The writing is gripping and sad. Worse when I got to the end and read it was based on a true story. Very sad but I thing because it's short giving us a view of what happened inside the car with Zeta and her family gave us a real feel for the drama.
A couple of things that don't matter one way or the other:)
others had (delete had)inhaled too much smoke.
One of the EMT's was talking on the radio, (One of the EMT's spoke on...
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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The writing is gripping and sad. Worse when I got to the end and read it was based on a true story. Very sad but I thing because it's short giving us a view of what happened inside the car with Zeta and her family gave us a real feel for the drama.
A couple of things that don't matter one way or the other:)
others had (delete had)inhaled too much smoke.
One of the EMT's was talking on the radio, (One of the EMT's spoke on...
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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dmjones...
That's what I get for working on this at two a.m. again I know I should be in bed, but this site has been too addicting. Thanks for catching that more.
Your comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks for checking this out! Carol C
Comment from laurelp
I fine this ironic. Today there was a massive metro train collision in DC. They also didn't heed the advise given to them and many were killed. The story was tragic but very well written and without errors.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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I fine this ironic. Today there was a massive metro train collision in DC. They also didn't heed the advise given to them and many were killed. The story was tragic but very well written and without errors.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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laurelp...
I think there are more of these "human error" wrecks than we know. They could have been prevented. Lives are more important that $$$ but some forget!
Thank you for reading and commenting. Carol C
Comment from Suzie B
hello begin again, what an incredibly moving story,
The strangers in this world that can make or break a life.
The tragedy of a mom dying to protect her child.
So Incredibly sad. Thanks be to all the unsung heroes in our world...and there are many of them.
Wonderful contest entry...Good luck.
Suzie
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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hello begin again, what an incredibly moving story,
The strangers in this world that can make or break a life.
The tragedy of a mom dying to protect her child.
So Incredibly sad. Thanks be to all the unsung heroes in our world...and there are many of them.
Wonderful contest entry...Good luck.
Suzie
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Suzie
Thanks so much for your kind words. I was stunned that this could have been prevented and they did not do it. Hopefully, we will discover that it wasn't the case.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Carol C
Comment from Crusty
Wow. What a great story this is. It is well written and flows smoothly. Your characters seem realistic and your dialogue was believable and well written. Great job. I enjoyed this very much.
Have a great day.
Brad...
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Wow. What a great story this is. It is well written and flows smoothly. Your characters seem realistic and your dialogue was believable and well written. Great job. I enjoyed this very much.
Have a great day.
Brad...
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Brad...
Hello...Thanks for the wonderful review. Started my morning out great! Your comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks again - Carol