A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "And Life Goes On"Autobiography of abuse
13 total reviews
Comment from Nomar Chagrin
Very intriguing developments here. A good page-turner. I like your matter-of-fact demeanor toward your doctor and no-nonsense reactions to other characters and stimuli.
Especially the doctor. Probably took him aback a bit. I'm sure he was used to people kow-towing to him.
Some suggestions:
To avoid repetition, I'd change the second "Mike" in the first paragraph to 'he' would prevent a little repetition.
How ya doin (doin')
I have to do this," said I firmly (did you mean "I said firmly"?)
After a needle was inserted into a vein in my right hand and I lay back on the reclining chair as the drugs entered my bloodstream (I think if you re-read this sentence you might want to change it a bit. I'd suggest putting a comma after the 'hand' and dumping the 'and')
placed several clean towels on the nightstand and placed (Might want to use a synonym for one of these "placed" to avoid a bit of repetition)
I'd consider going back and seeing where you could replace "was" or "is" with a more expressive or active verb. You use the passive voice a lot where the active voice would sharpen up the narrative. Here are some examples, along with other placed you could maybe streamline the words a bit:
- I was not permitted to (They did not permit me to..."
- process of the treatment (could be considered redundant. I'd consider ditching 'process of')
- speaking to me in Russian (speaking Russian)
The only time I recalled ever seeing her cry (you could ditch the 'ever'. "only time" pretty much covers 'ever')
- "drugs I was to take" (could be made more concise with something like "prescribed drugs")
- a needle was inserted into a vein (a nurse [or whoever did it] inserted a needle into my right vein. To have a subject always makes the writing more visual. A nurse can be visualized better than just stating in general that a needle was injected.)
- did not take long for more side effects (something like "Soon, more side effects..." This would eliminate about 5 clutter words that just stall the sentence)
Sticking to the simple past tense might also steamline your writing a bit. E.g., "...information I was accumulating..." ====> "...information I accumulated"
business like (might go better with a hyphen)
Overall, I think your narrative and story-line are great, but if you'd tone down the passives and unecessary words, I think your writing would become smoother and rise to the next level.
As always, let me know if you make any changes (especially on clutter words and passives) and I'll be glad to re-review.
~ Rhein
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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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Very intriguing developments here. A good page-turner. I like your matter-of-fact demeanor toward your doctor and no-nonsense reactions to other characters and stimuli.
Especially the doctor. Probably took him aback a bit. I'm sure he was used to people kow-towing to him.
Some suggestions:
To avoid repetition, I'd change the second "Mike" in the first paragraph to 'he' would prevent a little repetition.
How ya doin (doin')
I have to do this," said I firmly (did you mean "I said firmly"?)
After a needle was inserted into a vein in my right hand and I lay back on the reclining chair as the drugs entered my bloodstream (I think if you re-read this sentence you might want to change it a bit. I'd suggest putting a comma after the 'hand' and dumping the 'and')
placed several clean towels on the nightstand and placed (Might want to use a synonym for one of these "placed" to avoid a bit of repetition)
I'd consider going back and seeing where you could replace "was" or "is" with a more expressive or active verb. You use the passive voice a lot where the active voice would sharpen up the narrative. Here are some examples, along with other placed you could maybe streamline the words a bit:
- I was not permitted to (They did not permit me to..."
- process of the treatment (could be considered redundant. I'd consider ditching 'process of')
- speaking to me in Russian (speaking Russian)
The only time I recalled ever seeing her cry (you could ditch the 'ever'. "only time" pretty much covers 'ever')
- "drugs I was to take" (could be made more concise with something like "prescribed drugs")
- a needle was inserted into a vein (a nurse [or whoever did it] inserted a needle into my right vein. To have a subject always makes the writing more visual. A nurse can be visualized better than just stating in general that a needle was injected.)
- did not take long for more side effects (something like "Soon, more side effects..." This would eliminate about 5 clutter words that just stall the sentence)
Sticking to the simple past tense might also steamline your writing a bit. E.g., "...information I was accumulating..." ====> "...information I accumulated"
business like (might go better with a hyphen)
Overall, I think your narrative and story-line are great, but if you'd tone down the passives and unecessary words, I think your writing would become smoother and rise to the next level.
As always, let me know if you make any changes (especially on clutter words and passives) and I'll be glad to re-review.
~ Rhein
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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Thank for the greatly appreciate critique. I will go back over the chapter and make the corrections. I sincerley appreciate your help.
Comment from WRITER1
You are a much hardier person than me I can tell you. I wouldn't even think about doing anything let alone spying on these terrible people.
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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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You are a much hardier person than me I can tell you. I wouldn't even think about doing anything let alone spying on these terrible people.
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Comment Written 23-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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Jack of all trades...Thanks for the kind review. I sincerely appreciate it.
Comment from amyisgro
This was truly fantastic. Having also had breast cancer, I was able to relate on the various long drug names, and even some of the side effects. I was lucky in that I didn't have the mouth ulcers, or upset stomach, due to other drugs they gave me to prevent that. I was also the recipient of a mother who could not express any tenderness throughout my own life. Anger or frustration, but no love. And only at the end of her life , did she beg me to forgive her for being such a bad mother. She didn't even come to the hospital when I had my mastectomy. I really was able to relate to this story, and feel that it also flowed very well. I was able to understand the physical as well as emotional aspects . You did an excellent job of showing everything . Amy
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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This was truly fantastic. Having also had breast cancer, I was able to relate on the various long drug names, and even some of the side effects. I was lucky in that I didn't have the mouth ulcers, or upset stomach, due to other drugs they gave me to prevent that. I was also the recipient of a mother who could not express any tenderness throughout my own life. Anger or frustration, but no love. And only at the end of her life , did she beg me to forgive her for being such a bad mother. She didn't even come to the hospital when I had my mastectomy. I really was able to relate to this story, and feel that it also flowed very well. I was able to understand the physical as well as emotional aspects . You did an excellent job of showing everything . Amy
Comment Written 23-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2009
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Thak you. I sincerely appreciate you kind review. Yes, I have met many who experienced families who showed little if any interest in their cancer. It is hard to believe but some people simply have no compassion.