A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Taking Action"Autobiography of abuse
18 total reviews
Comment from Stacey Lynne Wells
I can't believe the priest didn't believe you. You weren't lying and this was true. Why won't they help you out? Well, I hope this gets resolved soon.
Rachel
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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I can't believe the priest didn't believe you. You weren't lying and this was true. Why won't they help you out? Well, I hope this gets resolved soon.
Rachel
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your concern. You need to realize this was in the early 60s...laws were different then and this was a subjct no one wanted to talk about.
Comment from laurelp
Not knowing what would I would have done - this sentence is a little out of sync with the rest of the story.
terrified me - you used the same words very close to each other. Maybe you can think of another way to say it.
Other than those two errors, I found the story to be very compelling. I was shocked when you said Seattle police because that is where I now live. I looked to see and realize you are now living in Mexico. Your story is very well written with a lot of emotion and texture.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Not knowing what would I would have done - this sentence is a little out of sync with the rest of the story.
terrified me - you used the same words very close to each other. Maybe you can think of another way to say it.
Other than those two errors, I found the story to be very compelling. I was shocked when you said Seattle police because that is where I now live. I looked to see and realize you are now living in Mexico. Your story is very well written with a lot of emotion and texture.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your kind words and eagle eye....I try but don't always catch the mistakes.
Comment from ersorenson
This is a well written, if troubling, chapter. The construction was excellent and the story flowed clearly, building tension throughout. Your explanations were believable (even though actually unbelievable, if you know what I mean.) I'm afraid this occurred in an earlier time, the 50's and 60's, because now, the counselor, police officer, and priest would be in jail, at least in Oregon. I can't say I liked the story, and I'm not sure if I'll read more, but it is very well written and I commend you for that.
One thing I thought was strange was that Valerie refers to her abusive father as "Daddy", that grated on me every time I read it. As hateful a human being as he was, he should never have an honorific title of "Daddy". A more formal title would be more appropriate.
One suggested correction:
"Is it possible you are overreacting??? -- I know the answer by the cop was unbelievable, but I don't think using 3 question marks is necessary to convey that. I would only use one.
ers
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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This is a well written, if troubling, chapter. The construction was excellent and the story flowed clearly, building tension throughout. Your explanations were believable (even though actually unbelievable, if you know what I mean.) I'm afraid this occurred in an earlier time, the 50's and 60's, because now, the counselor, police officer, and priest would be in jail, at least in Oregon. I can't say I liked the story, and I'm not sure if I'll read more, but it is very well written and I commend you for that.
One thing I thought was strange was that Valerie refers to her abusive father as "Daddy", that grated on me every time I read it. As hateful a human being as he was, he should never have an honorific title of "Daddy". A more formal title would be more appropriate.
One suggested correction:
"Is it possible you are overreacting??? -- I know the answer by the cop was unbelievable, but I don't think using 3 question marks is necessary to convey that. I would only use one.
ers
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thak you for your kind words. Yes, this was in te late 50s. I correct the tripple ??? Again, thanks for the review.
Comment from Buzz Bellam
Looks like Evil Eddie Editor has struck again leaving SPAGs behind.
I'd like to write that this is a beautiful story. But "beautiful" isn't the right word and I'm not sure I know what is maybe "poignant". Have you actually experienced going crazy? I hope not. My experience was just the way you penned this story.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Looks like Evil Eddie Editor has struck again leaving SPAGs behind.
I'd like to write that this is a beautiful story. But "beautiful" isn't the right word and I'm not sure I know what is maybe "poignant". Have you actually experienced going crazy? I hope not. My experience was just the way you penned this story.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your comments...poignant is a good word. Yes Evil Eddie was at it again. I will go over the chapter and try to clean it up. Sorry, but I have had up-close-and-personal experience with "going crazy"....
Comment from rhymer1
Reading this is so frustrating. I am overwhelmed and --- do not want to get involved. I suspect that is precisely what you intend and you did it so well. slainte, rhymer1
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Reading this is so frustrating. I am overwhelmed and --- do not want to get involved. I suspect that is precisely what you intend and you did it so well. slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thak you for you kind words. The chapter needs work but I posted it anyway hoping for suggestions. Again, thank you.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Smurphgirl ....
I have given you 5 stars for this, even though there are corrections to be made, because it is, generally speaking, a well-written and courageous chapter in your book revealing the failure of those in authority to help and protect children from abuse at the hands of their parents.
These are the places needing your attention ...
* You have - It had been long time since ... this should be - a long time since ....
* You have - and holding the towel i place ... this should be - in place ...
* You have - seemed incredulous ... I believe the word you need is incredible.
* You have - Not knowing what would I have done .... this would be better as - Not knowing what I would have done ...
* In two sentences, one after the other, you have repeated ... the girls were in the backyard playing.
* You have - then rushed out door to work. This should be - then rushed out the door on her way to work.
* You have - nervously dialed the the police ... just remove the second 'the'
* You have - overreacting ... this should be -
over-reacting ...
* You have - just want to get them in trouble ... this should be - get them into trouble ...
I hope I will have the opportunity to read further chapters of your book.
With love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Hullo Smurphgirl ....
I have given you 5 stars for this, even though there are corrections to be made, because it is, generally speaking, a well-written and courageous chapter in your book revealing the failure of those in authority to help and protect children from abuse at the hands of their parents.
These are the places needing your attention ...
* You have - It had been long time since ... this should be - a long time since ....
* You have - and holding the towel i place ... this should be - in place ...
* You have - seemed incredulous ... I believe the word you need is incredible.
* You have - Not knowing what would I have done .... this would be better as - Not knowing what I would have done ...
* In two sentences, one after the other, you have repeated ... the girls were in the backyard playing.
* You have - then rushed out door to work. This should be - then rushed out the door on her way to work.
* You have - nervously dialed the the police ... just remove the second 'the'
* You have - overreacting ... this should be -
over-reacting ...
* You have - just want to get them in trouble ... this should be - get them into trouble ...
I hope I will have the opportunity to read further chapters of your book.
With love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Than you for your helpful comments and suggestions. Yes, this chapter needs re-working. I will get to it today. Again, thanks for your kind and generous help.
Comment from maryelle
Dear girl: It is my fondest hope that this is not autobiographical fiction. Your writing is very good. I feel a certain amount of matter of factness in your protagonist's actions. I want to know more of her feelings, not just her actions. In this situation, obviously she has strong feelings.
I guess what I am thinking is that the work is good, and could be made extra compelling in getting across the feelings of the character in more subtle ways. When you write "Furious she snapped . . ." with this school age girl talking to a police officer, it doesn't ring true. Instead, convey her upset by chewing on her hair, or scrunching up her eyes, or blinking back tears, voice thickening, I'm not coming up with very good ideas, but you get my drift.
Also, tell us how the priest has not aged very well, what did Valerie observe that made her think that? The priest's response is reprehensible, but I don't feel it at a gut level, because he isn't real to me.
Again, the writing is wonderful, you are talented, and I realize that you have written many more earlier chapters before I came on the scene. These are just my thoughts, offered along with my admiration for all your hard work.
Best regards, Mary elle
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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Dear girl: It is my fondest hope that this is not autobiographical fiction. Your writing is very good. I feel a certain amount of matter of factness in your protagonist's actions. I want to know more of her feelings, not just her actions. In this situation, obviously she has strong feelings.
I guess what I am thinking is that the work is good, and could be made extra compelling in getting across the feelings of the character in more subtle ways. When you write "Furious she snapped . . ." with this school age girl talking to a police officer, it doesn't ring true. Instead, convey her upset by chewing on her hair, or scrunching up her eyes, or blinking back tears, voice thickening, I'm not coming up with very good ideas, but you get my drift.
Also, tell us how the priest has not aged very well, what did Valerie observe that made her think that? The priest's response is reprehensible, but I don't feel it at a gut level, because he isn't real to me.
Again, the writing is wonderful, you are talented, and I realize that you have written many more earlier chapters before I came on the scene. These are just my thoughts, offered along with my admiration for all your hard work.
Best regards, Mary elle
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you. I sincerely appreciate your suggestions. I agree this requires more detail and I will go over it again to see what I can do to improve it. Sorry, it is a true story.
Comment from djcoomes
Wow, powerful emotion piece. Grabs the reader and does not let lose. I am new to fanstory, so I haven't read any but this chapter. That poor girl, you adeptly addressed her anguish and frustration. You had a few typos and you should work on formatting. Needs a little rewriting. Good work.
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reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Wow, powerful emotion piece. Grabs the reader and does not let lose. I am new to fanstory, so I haven't read any but this chapter. That poor girl, you adeptly addressed her anguish and frustration. You had a few typos and you should work on formatting. Needs a little rewriting. Good work.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2009
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Thank you for your kind words. I know the chapter needs work and plan to do so today and tomorrow. Again, thank you for your suggestions.
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I went back and read it again. You need more than dialogue. As a suggestion in the beginning you might do something like this. John crossed the room and looked at the familiar, unshaven face in the mirror bolted to the wall. "Hello Henry, you look well today for a man who hasn't spoken in years." John thought to himself, I can't believe he's still holding on after all these years and that I'm still tolerating weekly consultations with him. But, I must for the sake of Julia. She must never know the truth. You just need to add some things like this to make it clearer to the reader. All dialogue is not good. Spend a few more lines setting the scene and the location. Good luck