A Leaf on the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Umbrellas"Autobiography of abuse
13 total reviews
Comment from Valerie Julia Ann
Background notes: "alredy" should be 'already'
Critique: Adverbial modifiers -
Excise these empty intensifiers, you know the culprits -adverbs that add nothing and artificially pump up your prose.
Adjectives and adverbs are the tail fins, hood ornaments, bumper stickers that decorate your writing but aren't essential to making it go, in fact, can be a drag on your writing and distract readers from what really gives horsepower to your words. The point isn't to exorcize the adverbs entirely, but to stop using them as a crutch to prop up sentences. (Adjectives and adverbs are the black sheep of the Parts of Speech family.)
Quote by Patricia O'Connor, Writer. . .
"Show me a weak sentence, and I'll show you a writer who's afraid of verbs, not all verbs, mind you - just the muscular ones, the ones that don't need propping up with a lot of adverbs."
Try to replace as many adverbs as you possibly can with action verbs - Here is your list: the most obvious ending with "ly."
Quickly (twice), unusually, patiently, proudly (twice), reluctantly, already, suddenly (twice), carefully (twice), immediately (three times), slowly, firmly, frantically.
Paragraph 3: Remove the repetition -
"Although it was still early June, it was unusally hot outside. Thick, wiggly waves of hot air floated up from the street in front of the house."
Consider:
Although, still early June - thick, wiggly waves of hot air floated up from the street.
I feel that you can leave out "in front of the house" because the hot waves would be coming up from everywhere, not just in front of the house; Also, in the next lines you mention "house" and "street" again.
"Unconcerned, I ran down the street toward Sandra's house. When I arrived, I found her sitting in the middle of the street in her brand new red wagon, patiently waiting for me."
Consider:
Unconcerned, I ran toward Sandra's house. When I arrived, I found her sitting in her brand new red wagon in the middle of the street, patiently waiting.
Verbs of being: be, is, are, am, was, were, being and been.
Verbs of being lack vigor because they convey no action. As a rule, active verbs express meaning more vigorously than their duller counterparts-forms of the verb "be."
State of being verbs are the cornerstone of the "passive voice"; effective fiction and creative non-fiction are written in the "active voice,"
e.g., John was very, very angry. (passive voice)
Up the ante with action verbs e.g., John kicked in the door, stormed up the stairs, slapped Maria, and hurled Joaquin through a window to the street below. (Active voice)
Here is a sampling of your passive verbs:
I "was" relieved to learn that Frank "was" not dead
I "was" so happy he "was" still alive
It "was" the first day of summer, and it "was" a beautiful day
she said she "was" too old for silly childish games
Although it "was" still early June, it "was" unusually hot outside
Perry West "was" a few short blocks away
Sandra "was" so excited
Nothing on the loading dock "was" to be touched, etc.
What needs to be done: Rearrange or change the wording in order to write in the active voice. Granted, you may not be able to get rid of every passive verb, but be aware of the problem. Editors are.
As a whole, I like your story very much, and feel it's going to be a winner when the little things are tweaked. Keep writing. Valerie
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
  |
Background notes: "alredy" should be 'already'
Critique: Adverbial modifiers -
Excise these empty intensifiers, you know the culprits -adverbs that add nothing and artificially pump up your prose.
Adjectives and adverbs are the tail fins, hood ornaments, bumper stickers that decorate your writing but aren't essential to making it go, in fact, can be a drag on your writing and distract readers from what really gives horsepower to your words. The point isn't to exorcize the adverbs entirely, but to stop using them as a crutch to prop up sentences. (Adjectives and adverbs are the black sheep of the Parts of Speech family.)
Quote by Patricia O'Connor, Writer. . .
"Show me a weak sentence, and I'll show you a writer who's afraid of verbs, not all verbs, mind you - just the muscular ones, the ones that don't need propping up with a lot of adverbs."
Try to replace as many adverbs as you possibly can with action verbs - Here is your list: the most obvious ending with "ly."
Quickly (twice), unusually, patiently, proudly (twice), reluctantly, already, suddenly (twice), carefully (twice), immediately (three times), slowly, firmly, frantically.
Paragraph 3: Remove the repetition -
"Although it was still early June, it was unusally hot outside. Thick, wiggly waves of hot air floated up from the street in front of the house."
Consider:
Although, still early June - thick, wiggly waves of hot air floated up from the street.
I feel that you can leave out "in front of the house" because the hot waves would be coming up from everywhere, not just in front of the house; Also, in the next lines you mention "house" and "street" again.
"Unconcerned, I ran down the street toward Sandra's house. When I arrived, I found her sitting in the middle of the street in her brand new red wagon, patiently waiting for me."
Consider:
Unconcerned, I ran toward Sandra's house. When I arrived, I found her sitting in her brand new red wagon in the middle of the street, patiently waiting.
Verbs of being: be, is, are, am, was, were, being and been.
Verbs of being lack vigor because they convey no action. As a rule, active verbs express meaning more vigorously than their duller counterparts-forms of the verb "be."
State of being verbs are the cornerstone of the "passive voice"; effective fiction and creative non-fiction are written in the "active voice,"
e.g., John was very, very angry. (passive voice)
Up the ante with action verbs e.g., John kicked in the door, stormed up the stairs, slapped Maria, and hurled Joaquin through a window to the street below. (Active voice)
Here is a sampling of your passive verbs:
I "was" relieved to learn that Frank "was" not dead
I "was" so happy he "was" still alive
It "was" the first day of summer, and it "was" a beautiful day
she said she "was" too old for silly childish games
Although it "was" still early June, it "was" unusually hot outside
Perry West "was" a few short blocks away
Sandra "was" so excited
Nothing on the loading dock "was" to be touched, etc.
What needs to be done: Rearrange or change the wording in order to write in the active voice. Granted, you may not be able to get rid of every passive verb, but be aware of the problem. Editors are.
As a whole, I like your story very much, and feel it's going to be a winner when the little things are tweaked. Keep writing. Valerie
Comment Written 05-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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Thank you very much. This is the type of critique I am looking for. Again, thak you
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I'm glad to be of some help to you. Valerie
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I have gone back over my previous chapters trying to work on my over use of adverbs...very difficult since it has become a natural but bad habit. I appreciate the suggestions but I now see it will take me a little more time than anticipated to work on this. I think of it as a virus...the deadly adverb. But I'm sure I can do it. Again, thanks for the advice.
Comment from littlewriter50
I'm reading backwards! Even so, this character is fluid and real. Getting to know her better makes the horrible experiences she goes through with her father even more horrific. You've nailed the essence of innocence and the betrayal of this child palpable.
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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I'm reading backwards! Even so, this character is fluid and real. Getting to know her better makes the horrible experiences she goes through with her father even more horrific. You've nailed the essence of innocence and the betrayal of this child palpable.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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Thank you. What you say is precisely the point I hoped to make. I'm glad you like it despite the subject matter.
Comment from nightraine1956
Writing appeared well written and continued on with Valerie telling more of her life story. You did well writing about kids on a mission and their excitement of new findings.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
|
Writing appeared well written and continued on with Valerie telling more of her life story. You did well writing about kids on a mission and their excitement of new findings.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2009
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2009
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Thank you.