CSP: A Collection of Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 74 "Something is Missing..."A collection of poetry
17 total reviews
Comment from jeslaf
I think this is still poetry, but 'free verse', possibly 'prose poem.' It's brief enough to make it into either description IMHO, but then I don't teach this stuff, just dabble in the writing of it. I think this is good, and can be improved even further by poetically throwing in a metaphor or simile to point up the solitude, loneliness, or to compare it to other times in your life, when your home was busier. Just a thought. :)
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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I think this is still poetry, but 'free verse', possibly 'prose poem.' It's brief enough to make it into either description IMHO, but then I don't teach this stuff, just dabble in the writing of it. I think this is good, and can be improved even further by poetically throwing in a metaphor or simile to point up the solitude, loneliness, or to compare it to other times in your life, when your home was busier. Just a thought. :)
Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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I have changed it quite dramatically since you read it. Had lots of help from a free verse writer. I still do NOT get what prose is! HA!! Thanks very much, though, for your great review. Very much appreciated. Sue
Comment from Jazh
Sorry Sue, it *does* read mostly like prose to me. There are some lovely lines and descriptions, it's a great subject, but it just doesn't flow. Some suggestions (from someone who can *only* write free verse!): leave out some of the detail, eg connecting words 'with', 'that', 'on it all'. Re-phrase some of the lines: eg "draping the window with a view" - gives it a nice double meaning; "the fabric thrills, the furniture fills empty spaces". Just some thoughts....I hope they help. It could be a really nice poem if it flowed a bit more. Cheers. :)
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reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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Sorry Sue, it *does* read mostly like prose to me. There are some lovely lines and descriptions, it's a great subject, but it just doesn't flow. Some suggestions (from someone who can *only* write free verse!): leave out some of the detail, eg connecting words 'with', 'that', 'on it all'. Re-phrase some of the lines: eg "draping the window with a view" - gives it a nice double meaning; "the fabric thrills, the furniture fills empty spaces". Just some thoughts....I hope they help. It could be a really nice poem if it flowed a bit more. Cheers. :)
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Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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Jazh, thanks you so much for your very honest review and suggestions. I really wanted to do some experimenting in this area. And with your suggestions, I'm going to re-visit it and see if I can achieve this. Warmest regards, Sue
Comment from RapturedHeart
I'm not an expert, either, on free verse, but I like the way this reads - straight from the heart. I would nix one of the 'such's, though, in the first two stanzas.
Also, 'really quite satisfied' sounded a bit droll. Think I would simply put 'Pleased with all the fabrics...'
Again, I'm certainly not an expert, but I just think free verse should be whittled down as much as possible and stripped bare - not overdecorated!
Still, thought it was great. Is that a picture of your living room? It's beautiful! Thanks for sharing, and take care,
Heather
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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I'm not an expert, either, on free verse, but I like the way this reads - straight from the heart. I would nix one of the 'such's, though, in the first two stanzas.
Also, 'really quite satisfied' sounded a bit droll. Think I would simply put 'Pleased with all the fabrics...'
Again, I'm certainly not an expert, but I just think free verse should be whittled down as much as possible and stripped bare - not overdecorated!
Still, thought it was great. Is that a picture of your living room? It's beautiful! Thanks for sharing, and take care,
Heather
Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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Well, this is where the debate is (from what I've read)....that free verse is stripped down versus prose being more of a "thinking out loud" type of writing. I don't know. What the hell...I'll learn as I go. HA! But thanks for your input as I asked for. You're right...consider the "such's" nixed! The "really quite satisfied" came from how I would say it aloud to myself if I were observing it all like that. Will take your suggestion on board, though. No, not my living room. But it is quite lovely, isn't it? Thank you for the time you took to review this and for all your comments and suggestions! Much appreciated...Sue
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You're right. I changed it to "I'm really pleased"...just kept it simple. Thanks!
Comment from Roisin
You go girl!! Great job. I just wish I could do it. You've given this poem a lovely flow with your little sprinkle of rhyme and great imagery. I really love it. For the record, I don't know the difference either!
Warm regards.
Roisin
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You go girl!! Great job. I just wish I could do it. You've given this poem a lovely flow with your little sprinkle of rhyme and great imagery. I really love it. For the record, I don't know the difference either!
Warm regards.
Roisin
Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
Comment from Judian James
Hi Sue. This is technically prose. It's not paced and poetic enough, imho, to be called a free verse poem. However, it is very well written and congratulations on your decorating. The house needs to develop a heart over time and then it will be "home"! excellent
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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Hi Sue. This is technically prose. It's not paced and poetic enough, imho, to be called a free verse poem. However, it is very well written and congratulations on your decorating. The house needs to develop a heart over time and then it will be "home"! excellent
Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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Jude, I did some reading on prose vs. free verse and I was pretty sure this was prose. Now that you've said it is prose, I know it is. Thanks for that input! And for your very kind review. Sue
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BTW, where've you been?? A short hiatus from the work?
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I hate the feeding frenzy at the top. I'm not doing that anymore. Plus, we had a huge snowstorm yesterday. Lots to do to shovel out!
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If it weren't for us having snow on top of accumulated snow, I know I'd be writing half as much as I am. We must have 20" accumulated out there. Being in the prairie flats in the middle of a "bland" environment, it's nothing compared to the beauty you would have in winter up in Maine.
I'm so bored. There is nowhere to go, nothing to do and still trying to find a day program for Jessica. Trapped is the only word that can be used. No self-pity here, just fact. Things will change in time. It always does. Patience is a must or insanity would be the alternative.
So, I'm just thankful for the writing to keep me so occupied that I don't have an empty mind to leave room for thoughts that can wreak havoc.
You've got me concerned now about shoveling. It is a very serious health hazard! And you know that. Snow is way too heavy! Now stop it.
Go write about shoveling! HA!
Comment from sherriefarabee
What a piece. Reading it, I feel the contented sigh you get when the last piece of furniture is in and you flop down on the couch in your new home. Then you realize you're all alone. Surprise twist at the end, nice. You might experiment with a sparser approach for poetry.
eX:
New curtains hung yesterday
each side of the window
snow laden spruces
such a scene
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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What a piece. Reading it, I feel the contented sigh you get when the last piece of furniture is in and you flop down on the couch in your new home. Then you realize you're all alone. Surprise twist at the end, nice. You might experiment with a sparser approach for poetry.
eX:
New curtains hung yesterday
each side of the window
snow laden spruces
such a scene
Comment Written 29-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2009
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This is why I wrote in the author's notes that I don't know the real difference between prose and free verse. After looking at some definitions, it seemed that mine is 'prose', whereas the sparser form would appear to be free verse. Still confused! HA! But thank you so much for your comments. That is what I'm looking for in the reviews. Thank you for your generous review and comments. Much appreciated, Sue
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the lines are often blurred. Think of poetry as images unincumbered by the need for articles and conjunctions. the Ghandi of good prose.
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Prose is anything that is not poetry. A novel is prose, a news story is prose.
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Now THAT is what I call a definition. Seems there is just a debate everywhere I look on the net.
I really appreciate your taking the time to clarify. I don't feel the ambiguity any longer. Whew!
Again, many thanks,
Sue
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I'm probalby going to get nailed by all the poets for so limiting a definition, but it works.
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DUCK!!! ha!
Comment from judiblaze
Well done. I can relate because I am in the middle of re-doing my living room. I like your choice of words, the ending kind of says it all..she is alone admiring it. Didn't see a thing wrong.
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Well done. I can relate because I am in the middle of re-doing my living room. I like your choice of words, the ending kind of says it all..she is alone admiring it. Didn't see a thing wrong.
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Comment Written 29-Jan-2009