Just Say No!
A Lesson Learned The Hard Way21 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very good story that changes part way through and proves a whole different point about something that was basically the same thing on a whole different level--theft. I am not certain I would have Jason break the fourth wall to talk to the reader. I would change the title as it is the catch phrase of the Don't Do Drugs Program.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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This is a very good story that changes part way through and proves a whole different point about something that was basically the same thing on a whole different level--theft. I am not certain I would have Jason break the fourth wall to talk to the reader. I would change the title as it is the catch phrase of the Don't Do Drugs Program.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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I took the idea and the title from the contest (that I didn't enter) where they said Just Say No and then scare the reader to death to stop them from doing something they shouldn't. I hope this would do it! Thanks so much, Carol.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
I seemed to have God watching over me, even when I didn't know of His presence in my life, although He was there in the most unexpected times, but this poor lamb's friend somehow didn't have that benefit, beautifully written Carol, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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I seemed to have God watching over me, even when I didn't know of His presence in my life, although He was there in the most unexpected times, but this poor lamb's friend somehow didn't have that benefit, beautifully written Carol, blessings Roy
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Bad things happen to good people and God is always there, warning us, but we don't always listen. I hope this story might make a youngster think twice. Thanks so much, Roy.
Smiles, Carol
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God is a good God, He's committed, we struggle a little
Comment from Teri7
Carol, This is a great post that needs to be heard loud and clear. You used great descriptive words and great imagery with the picture you chose. Thanks for sharing! love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Carol, This is a great post that needs to be heard loud and clear. You used great descriptive words and great imagery with the picture you chose. Thanks for sharing! love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thanks for reading and enjoying the post. I agree that too many young teens are ending up lying in the streets because of wrong decisions. Hopefully stories like this will make the young ones think twice.
Smiles, Carol
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I think you are right dear friend!
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
This was quite a powerful story and it's too bad you didn't enter it in the contest. I have never been brave enough or stupid enough to try to steal something but I used to be pressured to do it all the time in high school. Peer pressure results in a lot of bad things. thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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This was quite a powerful story and it's too bad you didn't enter it in the contest. I have never been brave enough or stupid enough to try to steal something but I used to be pressured to do it all the time in high school. Peer pressure results in a lot of bad things. thanks for sharing
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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I know that my son was pressured when he was a kid...He would tell me that he stood on the corner and waited for them to come back. I told him he was guilty by association and should just come hom. He did!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
This is a really good story, with a surprising twist. A life-long lesson was learned on dishonesty and its consequences. One of the side lessons I thought of was how taking one candy bar could have ended up with Jason building up to become what they guys were that tried to rob the store.
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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This is a really good story, with a surprising twist. A life-long lesson was learned on dishonesty and its consequences. One of the side lessons I thought of was how taking one candy bar could have ended up with Jason building up to become what they guys were that tried to rob the store.
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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I hoped that there were several different lessons for a young teen to take from the story. Too many are ending up face down in our streets.
Hugs, Carol
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You are too right, and it usually starts with something just a little wrong, then builds up.
Comment from Ulla
Poor, Jason, he will never get over his guilt. What a sad story with a very bad ending. Neither of boys had anything to do with any of it. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Up to no good, granted, but nothing like what then happened. Very well written, Carol. Lots of love. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Poor, Jason, he will never get over his guilt. What a sad story with a very bad ending. Neither of boys had anything to do with any of it. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Up to no good, granted, but nothing like what then happened. Very well written, Carol. Lots of love. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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thanks Ulla. I hope that if a young person would read the story that they would take away the fact that things happen when you least expect it. Thanks for reading and reviewing this one. And of course for the awesome stars... so appreciated.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
This is well edited and sounds like a good impediment story. It would have made a decent contest entry. Now if you wanted to make it REALLY traumatizing, you could end it right here: "Marcus! Don't die! Please, don't die." And leave the reader completely in suspense about whether he makes it. You could even make it more morose: he watched the color slowly drain from Marcus' face, as the blood pooled around the candy bar dropped from his limp hand. Fade to black. Yeah, that's what happens to candy bar snitches, b***ches!
One other suggestion: a more subtle picture. A candy bar would be best, I think. If you go with a gun, I'd put it on a white background.
Thanks for the read,
🦍
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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This is well edited and sounds like a good impediment story. It would have made a decent contest entry. Now if you wanted to make it REALLY traumatizing, you could end it right here: "Marcus! Don't die! Please, don't die." And leave the reader completely in suspense about whether he makes it. You could even make it more morose: he watched the color slowly drain from Marcus' face, as the blood pooled around the candy bar dropped from his limp hand. Fade to black. Yeah, that's what happens to candy bar snitches, b***ches!
One other suggestion: a more subtle picture. A candy bar would be best, I think. If you go with a gun, I'd put it on a white background.
Thanks for the read,
🦍
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thanks for your thoughts. I did consider a candy bar as the picture. And if I wasn't thinking of a younger crowd reading the story, I might have chosen your suggestions.... I wanted to deliver the message but not traumatize them for life. LOL Thanks for the ideas for future reference though.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this. As this is written, I believe Marcus and the other boy had this robbery set up and then Marcus encouraged Jason to tag along. This is excellent written and a lesson we should all listen too.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thank you for sharing this. As this is written, I believe Marcus and the other boy had this robbery set up and then Marcus encouraged Jason to tag along. This is excellent written and a lesson we should all listen too.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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It was a dare by Marcus to his best friend, Jason...but unfortunately, others had a robbery planned at the same time...Circumstances with consequences we never expected. thanks for the review.
miles, Carol
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Okay, not I get the other person being there.
Comment from Kirsten Shonle
I liked this story. It was well written. What are the chances an armed robbery happing after the candy bar was stollen. What tragic thing. I like how you painted the teens out. Nice ending to the story with the saying no if you have to.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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I liked this story. It was well written. What are the chances an armed robbery happing after the candy bar was stollen. What tragic thing. I like how you painted the teens out. Nice ending to the story with the saying no if you have to.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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I hoped tht the message came through that we never know how the smallest thing can end up having huge consequences... It's better to do what you know is right.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Tim Margetts
You've written a gripping, emotionally honest piece that hits hard without resorting to melodrama,Carol.
The pacing is tight, and you handle the shift from everyday mischief to sudden violence with skill-it feels real, not forced. Jason's voice is consistent and believable throughout, especially in the final note, which adds depth and makes the message personal rather than preachy.
Lines like "a dozen tiny frogs were breakdancing in his stomach" give a vivid, age-appropriate sense of his unease, while moments like "his legs felt like concrete" show trauma settling in.
The gunshot scene is genuinely shocking, handled with restraint but full impact.
If I were to suggest anything, it might be to slightly trim or tighten a couple of early lines for rhythm-for instance, "Jason knew it was a dumb idea the second Marcus grinned" might land harder as "Jason knew it was dumb the second Marcus grinned".
Minor stuff, though.
This piece succeeds in delivering both a compelling narrative and a clear moral, and it does so with genuine heart.
Well done, my friend.
Tim x
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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You've written a gripping, emotionally honest piece that hits hard without resorting to melodrama,Carol.
The pacing is tight, and you handle the shift from everyday mischief to sudden violence with skill-it feels real, not forced. Jason's voice is consistent and believable throughout, especially in the final note, which adds depth and makes the message personal rather than preachy.
Lines like "a dozen tiny frogs were breakdancing in his stomach" give a vivid, age-appropriate sense of his unease, while moments like "his legs felt like concrete" show trauma settling in.
The gunshot scene is genuinely shocking, handled with restraint but full impact.
If I were to suggest anything, it might be to slightly trim or tighten a couple of early lines for rhythm-for instance, "Jason knew it was a dumb idea the second Marcus grinned" might land harder as "Jason knew it was dumb the second Marcus grinned".
Minor stuff, though.
This piece succeeds in delivering both a compelling narrative and a clear moral, and it does so with genuine heart.
Well done, my friend.
Tim x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Wow! Another outstanding and thorough review, my friend. I so appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. Thank you so much.
Smiles, Carol
