A Fox's Time
The concept of time42 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Well-metered and visually clear, especially with this font. Structurally, there is opportunity for improved clarity. Here are my suggestions.
Stanza one: consider a colon after "with this rhyme". Your initial stanzas feel disjointed and out of order, particularly because the fox's narration is crossing stanzas. I suggest taking lines 9 and 10 and turning them into 1 and 2. This will read as follows:
***
They nap and rest throughout the day
because at night is when they play.
I asked the fox about the time.
He gave his answer with this rhyme:
"It's time to eat the plump brown hen.
I've pups to feed inside the den.
My vixen also needs to eat,
and fattened hens make meals complete."
To foxes, time's not hard at all.
They sleep when morning makes her call.
They hunt in darkness using stealth
with hunting skills their only wealth.
***
At diff'rent times the night arrives <= with the particular font you chose, the apostrophe is colliding with the "f" that precedes it. This is just a design glitch, and a bit unlucky. I had to look closely to see the apostrophe was there. Try adding a space and see if that improves the readability.
On almanacs we do depend <= I'm not a fan of "do" as a weak helping verb to meet syllable counts, and suggest an alternative such as one of the following: ALL, SHALL or MUST depend, and try reordering your last two stanzas as well. Here's how I might do that:
***
It's not the same time ev'ry day,
but foxes think so anyway.
They only know that when it's black,
it's time to find a midnight snack.
We know the time that dawn begins,
and evening sunsets roll right in.
On almanacs we all depend
to know when night and morn will end.
***
As it currently stands, I would give this a 4.5, and I am rounding it up considering it was free of technical errors. Thanks for the read and I hope this feedback is helpful.
Best regards, 🦍
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
  |
Well-metered and visually clear, especially with this font. Structurally, there is opportunity for improved clarity. Here are my suggestions.
Stanza one: consider a colon after "with this rhyme". Your initial stanzas feel disjointed and out of order, particularly because the fox's narration is crossing stanzas. I suggest taking lines 9 and 10 and turning them into 1 and 2. This will read as follows:
***
They nap and rest throughout the day
because at night is when they play.
I asked the fox about the time.
He gave his answer with this rhyme:
"It's time to eat the plump brown hen.
I've pups to feed inside the den.
My vixen also needs to eat,
and fattened hens make meals complete."
To foxes, time's not hard at all.
They sleep when morning makes her call.
They hunt in darkness using stealth
with hunting skills their only wealth.
***
At diff'rent times the night arrives <= with the particular font you chose, the apostrophe is colliding with the "f" that precedes it. This is just a design glitch, and a bit unlucky. I had to look closely to see the apostrophe was there. Try adding a space and see if that improves the readability.
On almanacs we do depend <= I'm not a fan of "do" as a weak helping verb to meet syllable counts, and suggest an alternative such as one of the following: ALL, SHALL or MUST depend, and try reordering your last two stanzas as well. Here's how I might do that:
***
It's not the same time ev'ry day,
but foxes think so anyway.
They only know that when it's black,
it's time to find a midnight snack.
We know the time that dawn begins,
and evening sunsets roll right in.
On almanacs we all depend
to know when night and morn will end.
***
As it currently stands, I would give this a 4.5, and I am rounding it up considering it was free of technical errors. Thanks for the read and I hope this feedback is helpful.
Best regards, 🦍
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you for your wonderful review
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Yes, you conveyed that difference admirably in your delightful verse. I like the way your story is told from two perspectives, the fox and the hen, both possessing this instinct with time that is often so lacking with ourselves as we require man-made devices instead. Beautiful visual too with that fox's head virtually peering through my screen. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
Yes, you conveyed that difference admirably in your delightful verse. I like the way your story is told from two perspectives, the fox and the hen, both possessing this instinct with time that is often so lacking with ourselves as we require man-made devices instead. Beautiful visual too with that fox's head virtually peering through my screen. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Deb for your wonderful and thoughtful review
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Really nice job on this poem? That's some great rhyming sequences for sure.Your subject matter is awesome.I really like your picture too! Home float along, mostly really nice when I read rhyme, I look for a rhythm, a flow and you have achieved that pretty well. The first couple stanzas are my favorites.They flow along so well and got great word choices! I do, however, see the word time repeated quite a bit. May wish to swap out a couple of those words for another word that means time. Stanza number 6 I stumbled a bit. But these are small things in the face of a very fine poem.It's a great entry, and I wish you best a lot.Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
Really nice job on this poem? That's some great rhyming sequences for sure.Your subject matter is awesome.I really like your picture too! Home float along, mostly really nice when I read rhyme, I look for a rhythm, a flow and you have achieved that pretty well. The first couple stanzas are my favorites.They flow along so well and got great word choices! I do, however, see the word time repeated quite a bit. May wish to swap out a couple of those words for another word that means time. Stanza number 6 I stumbled a bit. But these are small things in the face of a very fine poem.It's a great entry, and I wish you best a lot.Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
hi Lea. Can you think of another word that means time? When you think about it it's pretty difficult isn't it?
However thank you for your discussion about that and for the wonderful review
-
Moment minute second clock occasion stretch space flash. I don't know you're right.It's a funky one
Comment from royowen
You are certainly a talent when it comes to writing rhyming, rhythmic poetry, but probably need to explore other forms of poetry, it's easy to write a form we've mastered, but hard when we have to obey verbal limitations, but it expands expression and our minds, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
You are certainly a talent when it comes to writing rhyming, rhythmic poetry, but probably need to explore other forms of poetry, it's easy to write a form we've mastered, but hard when we have to obey verbal limitations, but it expands expression and our minds, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Roy. I am going to post one or two haiku's or senyrus very soon
I used to exclusively those and tankas. Thank you for this wonderful review
-
Good on you Pam
Comment from Katiemae1977
Flawless rhyme and meter make this an easy read. I like the subject matter as well. How do animals perceive time? I really enjoyed this one your flawless meter is to be commended
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
Flawless rhyme and meter make this an easy read. I like the subject matter as well. How do animals perceive time? I really enjoyed this one your flawless meter is to be commended
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Katie for this wonderful review
Comment from Brenda Strauser
I really enjoyed reading your poem. The rhyming was very good. Also, it was very interesting facts about the fox. I've always thought there were very interesting animals. Very descriptive and well written poem.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
I really enjoyed reading your poem. The rhyming was very good. Also, it was very interesting facts about the fox. I've always thought there were very interesting animals. Very descriptive and well written poem.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Brenda for this great review
Comment from Cindy Decker 3
Pam,
This is a lovely animal poem. Your rhyme and meter are perfect. You show empathy for both fox and chicken; they have their separate purposes to fulfill in life.
It's amazing that animals can sense things we humans cannot.
Great poem, Pam.
Good luck!
Cindy
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
Pam,
This is a lovely animal poem. Your rhyme and meter are perfect. You show empathy for both fox and chicken; they have their separate purposes to fulfill in life.
It's amazing that animals can sense things we humans cannot.
Great poem, Pam.
Good luck!
Cindy
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Cindy for your lovely encouraging review
Comment from Ulla
Hi Pam, I loved this poem of the Fox who mostly rely on its instinct. It knows when it's time to hunt to provide for its family and survival of its species. Actually, we so called humans are animals as well we just so happens to have developed the ability to think tink radically and to reason hence were belong to species Homo Sapiens. Lol we actually also sometimes react to our instincts.
I will be looking out for your poems. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
Hi Pam, I loved this poem of the Fox who mostly rely on its instinct. It knows when it's time to hunt to provide for its family and survival of its species. Actually, we so called humans are animals as well we just so happens to have developed the ability to think tink radically and to reason hence were belong to species Homo Sapiens. Lol we actually also sometimes react to our instincts.
I will be looking out for your poems. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you, Ulla for this wonderful and thoughtful review
Comment from Tim Margetts
This started out as a wonderful tale of fox and hen that reminded me of the story, 'Little Brown Hen' but from the fox's viewpoint.
Then it shifts on a word into a look at the philosophy of time.
This was a great piece, but I am still not sure if it would have been better as two.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
This started out as a wonderful tale of fox and hen that reminded me of the story, 'Little Brown Hen' but from the fox's viewpoint.
Then it shifts on a word into a look at the philosophy of time.
This was a great piece, but I am still not sure if it would have been better as two.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you Tim for your observations and a wonderful review
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
A simply gorgeous picture. If I was a picky person, I might say the font could be larger, and the matting should match his eyes to be more striking. The poem is done extremely well.
The other stuff is M.O.O. ( My opinion only) Karen
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
|
A simply gorgeous picture. If I was a picky person, I might say the font could be larger, and the matting should match his eyes to be more striking. The poem is done extremely well.
The other stuff is M.O.O. ( My opinion only) Karen
Comment Written 08-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2024
-
Thank you karen for your wonderful review
-
:-)