Old Dark Water
Halloween story edited12 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I'm not sure how this one will sit with the committee as it's not really a full story which is usually what this competition looks for.
the voice in the piece is good as is the tone though.
What I wanted to say was, (you have to come, Jerry, how else can I get you black-out drunk, drive you out to "Old Dark Water" and drown your dumb ass in the freaking lake?) - you don't need the brackets here. you also need end punctuation of a period at the end.
"You're coming, right Jerry?"- technically should be a comma after right.
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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Hi there,
I'm not sure how this one will sit with the committee as it's not really a full story which is usually what this competition looks for.
the voice in the piece is good as is the tone though.
What I wanted to say was, (you have to come, Jerry, how else can I get you black-out drunk, drive you out to "Old Dark Water" and drown your dumb ass in the freaking lake?) - you don't need the brackets here. you also need end punctuation of a period at the end.
"You're coming, right Jerry?"- technically should be a comma after right.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I'm going to say this one more time, lol, if Grammarly doesn't find the mistakes I definitely won't. Thank you for the critique and I will work to fix them. One word can make a poem. Why can't this be a complete story? Convention becomes stale. Rules were made to be broken, and, I'm just jerking your chain. I didn't know I couldn't finish the story by the deadline and add it. No big deal. Someone read it and that's all that matters at this humble juncture.
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lol I hate Grammarly!
You can edit the piece right up to the deadline but sometimes it's better to just wait until it's done before posting.
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Okay. Yes, I got a little excited and prematurely posted. They say it happens sometimes.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I love it! I don't actually know a guy like this yet and I'm rather glad! But I really enjoyed the clever blend of horror with humour (I'm very sensitive to too much horror but this was a perfect balance). This is skilfully constructed with your 'protagonist' (Old Dark Water) featuring from the start and influencing the Halloween theme throughout. The description is superbly creepy. I like the way the murderer remains anonymous too so that he is a supporting actor to Lake Plunkett (very inventive:)). You've got me hooked, Eean. Keep writing. Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I love it! I don't actually know a guy like this yet and I'm rather glad! But I really enjoyed the clever blend of horror with humour (I'm very sensitive to too much horror but this was a perfect balance). This is skilfully constructed with your 'protagonist' (Old Dark Water) featuring from the start and influencing the Halloween theme throughout. The description is superbly creepy. I like the way the murderer remains anonymous too so that he is a supporting actor to Lake Plunkett (very inventive:)). You've got me hooked, Eean. Keep writing. Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2024
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I was told by giraffmang that this isn't a complete story so it may be disqualified from the contest. I was going to add the other part before the deadline, but at least somebody I fully respect AND admire has read it. Grammarly didn't catch my errors again, but I don't care. Thank you.
