Ole Blue
He did his best30 total reviews
Comment from Aussie
I grew up with steam engines. You have written a wonderful story/poem about Old Blue. Steam trains run in England and Scotland. The famous one is in Scotland, the Flying Scotsman; and it costs a fortune to ride in her. Thanks for sharing your great poem.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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I grew up with steam engines. You have written a wonderful story/poem about Old Blue. Steam trains run in England and Scotland. The famous one is in Scotland, the Flying Scotsman; and it costs a fortune to ride in her. Thanks for sharing your great poem.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
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Thanks very much, Aussie. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I adore your magical and lively story about this steam train and if he was born in England he would have been prized as we still have some steam trains giving special journeys up and down the country. I loved your clever rhyming and perfect metre Jim, this is a skilful post from a talented pen and I wish I had a six left for you, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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I adore your magical and lively story about this steam train and if he was born in England he would have been prized as we still have some steam trains giving special journeys up and down the country. I loved your clever rhyming and perfect metre Jim, this is a skilful post from a talented pen and I wish I had a six left for you, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks for that virtual 6, Dolly, and thanks for this wonderful review. I've ridden on a few trains pulled by these steam locomotives, and it's always a treat.
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They run a local steam train at Christmas carrying Santa Claus, and I have been on it with the Grandkids, it was very exciting x x x
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There is one that's been retired to a park near us for the kids to climb on and explore. It's very cool. I love to study the ironworks down below.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm sorry the contest got cancelled. In Durango, Colorado, there a steam engine that still runs, for tourist. A few years ago, my husband and I took the tour. I highly recommend it. I was surprised at how much soot, I had on me when we were finished. I enjoyed reading. This is a good write.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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I'm sorry the contest got cancelled. In Durango, Colorado, there a steam engine that still runs, for tourist. A few years ago, my husband and I took the tour. I highly recommend it. I was surprised at how much soot, I had on me when we were finished. I enjoyed reading. This is a good write.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks, Barbara. I know what you mean about the soot. There is a steam locomotive (narrow guage) at a place we took our grandkids to a few years back that we rode, and the same thing happened. Soot all over.
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I remember the one at Durango being narrow gauge. Like I said if you get the chance, it's great.)
Comment from Neonewman
Wow! It's too bad the contest was canceled; this would have given them a run for their money. I love the story in the poem and the fact that a no longer useful engine could come back and go out in a blaze of glory. Brilliantly crafted, Jim.
God bless,
Steve
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Wow! It's too bad the contest was canceled; this would have given them a run for their money. I love the story in the poem and the fact that a no longer useful engine could come back and go out in a blaze of glory. Brilliantly crafted, Jim.
God bless,
Steve
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks for your encouraging words and the 6 stars, Steve. Much appreciated, my friend.
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So worth it, Jim.
Comment from Begin Again
I truly love to see things of the past retired and shared with the younger generation. It's so much more meaningful when you can touch and have a hands on experience. I believe this would be a wonderful children's book and I hope it happens for you.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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I truly love to see things of the past retired and shared with the younger generation. It's so much more meaningful when you can touch and have a hands on experience. I believe this would be a wonderful children's book and I hope it happens for you.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much, Carol. There is an old steam locomotive that has been retired to a park near us that children are able to climb on and explore. I love to study the mechanical parts down below.
Comment from SimianSavant
Well metered and effective storytelling. A couple remarks on clarity and flow:
It looked like he would make it to the siding, seen at last. <= I can guess what this means, but it feels a little clunky.
He had to really strain now, for the freight was barreling fast. <= barreling has to be spoken as a triplet instead of a duplet, since you're out of syllables. Was that intended? If not, maybe just switch BARRELING to COMING
Three stanzas of falling action feels just a bit excessive. I would perhaps try to condense it down to two or even one. Try it out on your grandkids and see when they start to lose attention and squirm. That's when it should end.
Nice work overall. Not every children's book should have a happy ending, because life does not. We get to remember our heroes properly when they pay a cost or are gone.
🦍
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Well metered and effective storytelling. A couple remarks on clarity and flow:
It looked like he would make it to the siding, seen at last. <= I can guess what this means, but it feels a little clunky.
He had to really strain now, for the freight was barreling fast. <= barreling has to be spoken as a triplet instead of a duplet, since you're out of syllables. Was that intended? If not, maybe just switch BARRELING to COMING
Three stanzas of falling action feels just a bit excessive. I would perhaps try to condense it down to two or even one. Try it out on your grandkids and see when they start to lose attention and squirm. That's when it should end.
Nice work overall. Not every children's book should have a happy ending, because life does not. We get to remember our heroes properly when they pay a cost or are gone.
🦍
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks very much SS, for your kind words and this excellent review. You made some extremely good points.
To give you a bit of history, when I posted the original version in early 2023, I only had two of the last three "falling action" stanzas. I added the middle one when I decided to enter it into the contest I mentioned, which was not a children's poem contest. But now that I'm trying to turn it into a children's book, your point is especially well-taken, and three may be one too many for children.
In regards to BARRELING vs COMING, coming would definitely fit a little better, but barreling just seemed more descriptive and is only a slight perversion of the syllable count because it can be said in practically two syllables. That's why I never worry about syllable counts when writing metered poetry, but only metric feet, in which you have some flexibility in word pronunciation to fit the meter.
For example, if I had used a similar word like "rumbling" I would have the flexibility to say it in either 2 syllables as "rum-bling" or 3 syllables as "rum-ble-ing" depending on the meter. I see "barreling" as being virtually the same, in that it can be said with 2 syllables as "bar-ling" (with the first syllable using the "a" sound as in "arrow" ) or "bar-rel-ing" with 3 syllables.
Another example is my own name, Wile, which I have used with both 1 and 2 syllables in different lines of my poem "Wile on the Green," in order to fit the meter.
Meter is a fascinating subject. I even wrote an essay on it once that I posted on FanStory called "My Thoughts on Meter in Poetry." It's in my portfolio under poems because I wanted it to appear on the poetry side rather than the prose side.
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I do the same thing with poetry format for writing because I don't like the writing editor. Barreling as two syllables works. Or it could be "bearing", which is going to sound almost the same. Also, in music, all rules on lyric meter can be broken and often should be. 🦍
Comment from Harry Craft
Well, I think it is a very Great Story! I hope you do find a publisher. I wish I could write like this. I thought it was outstanding! I wish you well in your future endeavors!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Well, I think it is a very Great Story! I hope you do find a publisher. I wish I could write like this. I thought it was outstanding! I wish you well in your future endeavors!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thank you very much, Harry. I appreciate your well wishes.
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Roger that Jim!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Dear Jim, you've caught me without a 6* but what a work of art here, ideal for children and beautifully versed (of course). Your ballad tells us so much about this legendary locomotive, clearly deserving of such a fine tribute. It's funny because only this week someone suggested I do a bio about an inanimate subject such as a building. You've excelled here, Jim! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Dear Jim, you've caught me without a 6* but what a work of art here, ideal for children and beautifully versed (of course). Your ballad tells us so much about this legendary locomotive, clearly deserving of such a fine tribute. It's funny because only this week someone suggested I do a bio about an inanimate subject such as a building. You've excelled here, Jim! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks so much for your kind words and your virtual 6, Debbie. I don't know if you ever read the original version, but I think this one is much improved. With a good artist to draw the pictures, I think it has potential as a children's picture book.
Comment from Jacob1395
I think it is a shame that old vehicles of the past are destroyed. I love old trains so it was fascinating reading about this one in your piece and learning about it's history. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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I think it is a shame that old vehicles of the past are destroyed. I love old trains so it was fascinating reading about this one in your piece and learning about it's history. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thanks, Jacob. So glad you enjoyed it. There's a terrific old steam locomotive in a park near me that children can climb on now and explore. I love to study its workings.
Comment from Wendy G
This is a wonderful poem, and it definitely should be published. I am sure children would love it as well. It has a great rhythm and metre, and very smooth rhyme. If you can't get a publisher, try doing it yourself with KDP, which is pretty straightforward for an ordinary book, but I am not sure about the insertion of pictures. I wish you every success. I think it is a great story in a poem with Blue being a very noble role model.
Well done.
Wendy
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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This is a wonderful poem, and it definitely should be published. I am sure children would love it as well. It has a great rhythm and metre, and very smooth rhyme. If you can't get a publisher, try doing it yourself with KDP, which is pretty straightforward for an ordinary book, but I am not sure about the insertion of pictures. I wish you every success. I think it is a great story in a poem with Blue being a very noble role model.
Well done.
Wendy
Comment Written 22-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2024
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Thank you so much, Wendy for your very encouraging review and the 6 stars too.
I published a few of my earlier works using KDP, and it was a fun experience, but for this one, I would have to pay an artist quite a substantial sum for good quality pictures to accompany the book, and I would never be able to make that back through sales. I have no social media presence and don't want to mess with one either.
It's either find a true publisher willing to take it on and do virtually everything to bring it to market or nothing for me. I won't go the hybrid (read vanity) publisher route.
