Grandpa's Keys
A Very Senior Moment13 total reviews
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Your flash fiction effectively captures a tense and emotional moment between Gramps and Monica. The dialogue conveys urgency and confusion well, and the brief interactions hint at deeper underlying issues. The narrative creates a vivid image of Gramps' frustration and Monica's distress. The setting and the characters' emotional states are clear, making the scene engaging.
Suggestions:
In the dialogue, change "There right here" to "They're right here." To enhance clarity, consider breaking the final sentence into two: "Monica darted past him and opened the fridge. 'They're right here, Grandpa, where you put them.'"
Adding dialogue tags could help clarify who is speaking, especially in moments of tension.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
  |
Your flash fiction effectively captures a tense and emotional moment between Gramps and Monica. The dialogue conveys urgency and confusion well, and the brief interactions hint at deeper underlying issues. The narrative creates a vivid image of Gramps' frustration and Monica's distress. The setting and the characters' emotional states are clear, making the scene engaging.
Suggestions:
In the dialogue, change "There right here" to "They're right here." To enhance clarity, consider breaking the final sentence into two: "Monica darted past him and opened the fridge. 'They're right here, Grandpa, where you put them.'"
Adding dialogue tags could help clarify who is speaking, especially in moments of tension.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
-
Thanks. Yes, I finally fixed it. Appreciate it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It's so hard knowing what to do with our aging parents. We respect them but want them to be safe. I enjoyed reading this contest entry and wish you luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
|
It's so hard knowing what to do with our aging parents. We respect them but want them to be safe. I enjoyed reading this contest entry and wish you luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
-
Thanks!
Comment from Sally Law
I understand this one as my husband's mother had Alzheimer's. She did not want to give up anything and even once it was let go, she forgot it had been let go. It's the worst disease ever. I cried a lot as her caregiver but glad she wasn't in a nursing home. My husband and I took care of her in our home for four years. Hospice was called in at the end. She kept looking for her car and the keys til the end. A true to life flash.
Sending you my best today as always and my best for the contest.
Sal :))
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
|
I understand this one as my husband's mother had Alzheimer's. She did not want to give up anything and even once it was let go, she forgot it had been let go. It's the worst disease ever. I cried a lot as her caregiver but glad she wasn't in a nursing home. My husband and I took care of her in our home for four years. Hospice was called in at the end. She kept looking for her car and the keys til the end. A true to life flash.
Sending you my best today as always and my best for the contest.
Sal :))
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2024
-
Thanks Sally.
