The Sweetest Fruit
Hymns in Memory13 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
I love this poem. it is beautifully down and I can relate to it. Those were the songs I sang growing up in church and later with my husband who loved them as much as I did. I hope this does well in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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I love this poem. it is beautifully down and I can relate to it. Those were the songs I sang growing up in church and later with my husband who loved them as much as I did. I hope this does well in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Thank you so much, Beth. It's great to share such wonderful memories.
Comment from lyenochka
I can relate to your "hymns in memory" - it's such a great way to put Scripture to our memory as we recall the lyrics set to music. I knew all the hymns except the "Joy Unspeakable" so I found it on YouTube and listened to it. Very catchy!
Best wishes in the contest!
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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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I can relate to your "hymns in memory" - it's such a great way to put Scripture to our memory as we recall the lyrics set to music. I knew all the hymns except the "Joy Unspeakable" so I found it on YouTube and listened to it. Very catchy!
Best wishes in the contest!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Thank you, as always for your great review and the way you helped boost the poem. As a child, my life was filled with music, and that has never changed! When we sang "Joy Unspeakable" in church, we children liked it - the faster, the better! I hated "Beyond the Sunset" because everybody cried when they sang it, but now I love it. "Such Love" I felt like circled to the sky from the open flaps of the tent.
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I always loved the The Love of God. We didn't sing that one in church but I heard it much later so I haven't memorized the words. That has an interesting backstory, too. Thanks for sharing, Verna!
Comment from SimianSavant
The memories of old songs and hymns are some of the most important early formative memories. You did a good job fitting so many of them in.
This is a no rules contest so I'm just going to comment with some suggestions for clarity within the structure that this work lays out for itself.
Was seeded like no other
In churches and camp-meeting tents
And voice of my sweet mother. <= looking at lines 2-4 of this stanza: line 2 has a verb, SEEDED. Line 3 is a prepositional phrase. Line 4 is awkward, because the AND leads us to expect another verb that goes along with the first one, but instead we get a noun. What if you changed it to "AND VOICED BY my sweet mother". There are other ways you could go, but this is the simplest change to make it a grammatically coherent thought.
Recalling husband at my side
Puts smile upon my face, <= omitting articles (MY husband, A smile) to maintain the meter makes this a little clunky. Consider rewording to something like:
with my husband at my side, /
a smile upon my face, /
Together with our children/
we would sing "Amazing Grace."
We stood on sawdust-covered floor <= try: floors. Maybe it was just one floor but only you know that, and this change lets you avoid saying THE floor, salvaging your meter
I think that's it. Hope it was helpful. Thanks for a great read,
🦍
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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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The memories of old songs and hymns are some of the most important early formative memories. You did a good job fitting so many of them in.
This is a no rules contest so I'm just going to comment with some suggestions for clarity within the structure that this work lays out for itself.
Was seeded like no other
In churches and camp-meeting tents
And voice of my sweet mother. <= looking at lines 2-4 of this stanza: line 2 has a verb, SEEDED. Line 3 is a prepositional phrase. Line 4 is awkward, because the AND leads us to expect another verb that goes along with the first one, but instead we get a noun. What if you changed it to "AND VOICED BY my sweet mother". There are other ways you could go, but this is the simplest change to make it a grammatically coherent thought.
Recalling husband at my side
Puts smile upon my face, <= omitting articles (MY husband, A smile) to maintain the meter makes this a little clunky. Consider rewording to something like:
with my husband at my side, /
a smile upon my face, /
Together with our children/
we would sing "Amazing Grace."
We stood on sawdust-covered floor <= try: floors. Maybe it was just one floor but only you know that, and this change lets you avoid saying THE floor, salvaging your meter
I think that's it. Hope it was helpful. Thanks for a great read,
🦍
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2024
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Thank you for the review and time you took to make suggestions. I will take a look at them. Although a former English teacher, I try harder to keep the meter and rhyme matching more than I do the parts of speech. That might not be the best, and I'll surely consider everything you wrote.