2024 Gypsy's Tanka
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Gypsy Blue Eyes"*
15 total reviews
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, Gypsy
Do you know your last line only has six syllables?
In some cases that's allowed, but I think it's not kosher to have a seven syllable line followed by a six syllable line. But, who am I? I would just add the word 'her' before 'Jasmine'
Some beautiful lyrics here And some beautiful images.
I think it's how a Tanka is meant to be. The satori line being a surprise.
Also, since this is about nature, it is a true Tanks
I like your Tanka
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Hi, Gypsy
Do you know your last line only has six syllables?
In some cases that's allowed, but I think it's not kosher to have a seven syllable line followed by a six syllable line. But, who am I? I would just add the word 'her' before 'Jasmine'
Some beautiful lyrics here And some beautiful images.
I think it's how a Tanka is meant to be. The satori line being a surprise.
Also, since this is about nature, it is a true Tanks
I like your Tanka
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Hello, Pam,
I hope you are having a wonderful weekend. Thank you for the review and feedback. I am always happy to share what I know about Japanese poetry. I manage three clubs in Fanstory: Haiku, Japanese poetry, and Finding Your Muse club.
It's fine to have less than 31 syllables. I never go over 31 in 5 lines. I always add links to reputable sites with rules and examples, one is the American Tanka Association. When poets force the 5/7/5/7/7 rule end up adding unnecessary words. The example you gave me would repeat the word "her" almost next to each other... it doesn't sound right.
my author notes:
Tanka is a Japanese unrhymed poem having about 12 to 31 syllables usually arranged in five lines and read in about two breaths in length when read aloud. The first poets who wrote tanka imitated the Japanese models of a 5-7-5-7-7 syllabic structure in five lines. This resulted in poems that were too long in comparison to Japanese tanka. The first tanka were padded or chopped to meet the fixed number of syllables. Additionally, the third line must transition from the descriptive and image-focused beginning lines into a reflective metaphor, simile, or personification for the closing lines. The subject matter varies, but most tanka are emotionally stirring or profound, and many are about love. click here if you want to read modern tanka examples === click here to read Tanka Society of America === click here if you want to read modern tanka rules
Comment from royowen
This is a great poem Gypsy, isn't it funny, we can write about the same thing over and over again, and yet everyone is essentially different from the others, creativity is amazing, well done Gypsy, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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This is a great poem Gypsy, isn't it funny, we can write about the same thing over and over again, and yet everyone is essentially different from the others, creativity is amazing, well done Gypsy, blessings Roy
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Thank you very much, my friend. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
Gypsy
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You too
Comment from GWHARGIS
I knew a blonde haired girl from Spain back in college. She had mismatched eyes. One blue and one brown. Smart as a whip. She loved math. But was also an incredible artist. The imagery in here was amazing. Gretchen
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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I knew a blonde haired girl from Spain back in college. She had mismatched eyes. One blue and one brown. Smart as a whip. She loved math. But was also an incredible artist. The imagery in here was amazing. Gretchen
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Gretchen,
Thank you very much, my friend. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
Gypsy
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
What hypnotic blue eyes! I like the way you've picked up the blue again in the second line. And the imagery of the moonless night hair skilfully evokes a sense of bewitching darkness. All beautifully complemented by your visuals. Well done, Gypsy! Debbie
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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What hypnotic blue eyes! I like the way you've picked up the blue again in the second line. And the imagery of the moonless night hair skilfully evokes a sense of bewitching darkness. All beautifully complemented by your visuals. Well done, Gypsy! Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Thank you very much, my friend. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
Gypsy
Comment from Jasmine Girl
What a beautiful Tanka to describe a young woman whose eyes are full of desire and innocence. The "Jasmine Scent" made it sound like oriental which is fitting for a Tanka.
Well done.
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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What a beautiful Tanka to describe a young woman whose eyes are full of desire and innocence. The "Jasmine Scent" made it sound like oriental which is fitting for a Tanka.
Well done.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2024
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Thank you very much, my friend. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
Gypsy