Dodie Rae
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dodie Rae"A young woman unwilling to submit to abuse.
22 total reviews
Comment from Jodi Ann Anderson
This is a well written realistic fiction. We know all too well, that this is something that happens everyday somewhere in the world. I do think that a novel or a series would be great too! Great one!!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2024
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This is a well written realistic fiction. We know all too well, that this is something that happens everyday somewhere in the world. I do think that a novel or a series would be great too! Great one!!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2024
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Thank you,Jodi Ann for this excellent review. I?m definitely going forward with this one. I have the whole story in my head.
God bless
Steve
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
From your title description I thought this was going to end in her retaliation and a shooting. But, intriguingly, you leave it open for another day. Even, for a minute, I thought her looking in on him might have had more sinister implications. I like what you've done here and I could feel my own blood begin to boil at his despicable behaviour. The description of the bloodied nose was palpable and your excellent dialogue helped to build up character and plot. A novel sounds a great idea because this story isn't over. And when he wakes up he's going to be on the warpath! Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2024
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From your title description I thought this was going to end in her retaliation and a shooting. But, intriguingly, you leave it open for another day. Even, for a minute, I thought her looking in on him might have had more sinister implications. I like what you've done here and I could feel my own blood begin to boil at his despicable behaviour. The description of the bloodied nose was palpable and your excellent dialogue helped to build up character and plot. A novel sounds a great idea because this story isn't over. And when he wakes up he's going to be on the warpath! Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 13-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Debbie. You are right, the story isn't over. I am excited and will reveal another chapter at the beginning of the week.
Thank you for stopping in, and I hope to see you again for the next one.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Neonewman!! This is such an impelling read!! You definitely had me hooked from the get-go. It's dark and scary, but it feels authentic, both situationally as well as through dialogue. I would say a strong "yessss!" to your Author's Note question "Should I go forward with a novel?" I, for one, would definitely read this, and I am sure I'm not alone.
I do have a couple spots for you to look at a bit, though:
1.) I think if you change the order of this sentence:
and she thought of calling her grandmother, who she called Mama, Bay Lynn, in Lafayette.
to this: and she thought of calling her grandmother, Bay Lynn, who Dodie called "Mama," at her home in Lafayette," it flows ever so slightly more. It snagged me when I first read it, and that's how I do my own edits when I proofread. Anytime I get held up and have to re-read, I know that's a spot that needs attention. [Or if I got that wrong, Neonewman, and Dodie calls her "Mama Bay Lynn," then you don't need the comma after Mama - oh my! Doesn't that have a jazzy (unintentional!) little rhyme to it!! I just thought you were telling us, your reader, Mama's full name because later on, when Dodie Rae calls her, she just says, "Mama," not "Mama Bay Lynn."] (Did that make any sense?)
Also, in this spot,
and she said, "Being our anniversary and all." She stepped around him, entered the bathroom, and shut the door.
Richard turned and walked toward the dining room, looked at the display she had laid out for their special night, and shook his head. He'd forgotten their anniversary, and on this day, six years earlier, he never dreamed he'd strike his wife.
there are two things. The first is an easy fix - the B on 'Being' shouldn't be capitalized because it's a continuation of her sentence.
The other edit is trickier: If Dodie Rae is locked in the bathroom, she wouldn't be able to know her husband turned and walked toward the kitchen and looked at the table. So add the word "heard" in there to clarify that and then maybe acknowledge that she hears nothing for an additional moment and so IMAGINES him staring at the table. Then she'll HEAR the table come crashing down after he says, "Here's your anniversary present." This way, you're still writing from Dodie's point of view. (POV)
And that brings me to my next point. You put us into Richard's mind. By telling us that he suddenly realized he'd forgotten their anniversary and also that he was surprised that he was actually hitting his wife, we are no longer able to pay attention to Dodie Rae back in the bathroom, and that's whose POV I think you want throughout this story, yes? (That's a genuine question; I'm double-checking.)
Maybe have her make the excuse in her mind for Richard to help us understand why she's been willing to put up with such a heartless, domineering creep all this time? (Battered women do have that tendency.) But when she looks in the mirror and sees her split lip and possibly broken nose, all her compassion for him leaves, and that's her impetus for retrieving the gun.)
Okay, here's my super-favorite line:
She could hear Richard snoring through the door. "How can he fall asleep so fast, after all the bullshit!" she said. "Guess it's exhausting being an asshole." she thought and opened the bathroom door.
HAHAHAHA!! Absolute perfection, that one!! (Maybe change 'said' to 'wondered,' though, since I doubt she would say anything out loud, lest she wake up that abuser she married and risk at second round of pummeling.) I think I'd also delete "she thought" and maybe just go with, "Quietly, she opened the bathroom door."
I hope it's okay, Neonewman, that I've gone into such detail here. Please know it is done with the highest of writer-to-writer admiration and encouragement.This is SUCH a great tale already the way you've written it, and with a couple minor tweaks, it could be absolutely outstanding. Again, I genuinely, oh-so seriously hope that you make this Chapter One, because it has serious promise as a novel. I'm already invested!!
Oh, wait; one final thing: He's asleep by 5:45 pm? Like, for the night? That seems pretty early.
xoxox
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Neonewman!! This is such an impelling read!! You definitely had me hooked from the get-go. It's dark and scary, but it feels authentic, both situationally as well as through dialogue. I would say a strong "yessss!" to your Author's Note question "Should I go forward with a novel?" I, for one, would definitely read this, and I am sure I'm not alone.
I do have a couple spots for you to look at a bit, though:
1.) I think if you change the order of this sentence:
and she thought of calling her grandmother, who she called Mama, Bay Lynn, in Lafayette.
to this: and she thought of calling her grandmother, Bay Lynn, who Dodie called "Mama," at her home in Lafayette," it flows ever so slightly more. It snagged me when I first read it, and that's how I do my own edits when I proofread. Anytime I get held up and have to re-read, I know that's a spot that needs attention. [Or if I got that wrong, Neonewman, and Dodie calls her "Mama Bay Lynn," then you don't need the comma after Mama - oh my! Doesn't that have a jazzy (unintentional!) little rhyme to it!! I just thought you were telling us, your reader, Mama's full name because later on, when Dodie Rae calls her, she just says, "Mama," not "Mama Bay Lynn."] (Did that make any sense?)
Also, in this spot,
and she said, "Being our anniversary and all." She stepped around him, entered the bathroom, and shut the door.
Richard turned and walked toward the dining room, looked at the display she had laid out for their special night, and shook his head. He'd forgotten their anniversary, and on this day, six years earlier, he never dreamed he'd strike his wife.
there are two things. The first is an easy fix - the B on 'Being' shouldn't be capitalized because it's a continuation of her sentence.
The other edit is trickier: If Dodie Rae is locked in the bathroom, she wouldn't be able to know her husband turned and walked toward the kitchen and looked at the table. So add the word "heard" in there to clarify that and then maybe acknowledge that she hears nothing for an additional moment and so IMAGINES him staring at the table. Then she'll HEAR the table come crashing down after he says, "Here's your anniversary present." This way, you're still writing from Dodie's point of view. (POV)
And that brings me to my next point. You put us into Richard's mind. By telling us that he suddenly realized he'd forgotten their anniversary and also that he was surprised that he was actually hitting his wife, we are no longer able to pay attention to Dodie Rae back in the bathroom, and that's whose POV I think you want throughout this story, yes? (That's a genuine question; I'm double-checking.)
Maybe have her make the excuse in her mind for Richard to help us understand why she's been willing to put up with such a heartless, domineering creep all this time? (Battered women do have that tendency.) But when she looks in the mirror and sees her split lip and possibly broken nose, all her compassion for him leaves, and that's her impetus for retrieving the gun.)
Okay, here's my super-favorite line:
She could hear Richard snoring through the door. "How can he fall asleep so fast, after all the bullshit!" she said. "Guess it's exhausting being an asshole." she thought and opened the bathroom door.
HAHAHAHA!! Absolute perfection, that one!! (Maybe change 'said' to 'wondered,' though, since I doubt she would say anything out loud, lest she wake up that abuser she married and risk at second round of pummeling.) I think I'd also delete "she thought" and maybe just go with, "Quietly, she opened the bathroom door."
I hope it's okay, Neonewman, that I've gone into such detail here. Please know it is done with the highest of writer-to-writer admiration and encouragement.This is SUCH a great tale already the way you've written it, and with a couple minor tweaks, it could be absolutely outstanding. Again, I genuinely, oh-so seriously hope that you make this Chapter One, because it has serious promise as a novel. I'm already invested!!
Oh, wait; one final thing: He's asleep by 5:45 pm? Like, for the night? That seems pretty early.
xoxox
Comment Written 13-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Rachelle, your review is exactly what I need. Everything you've offered is valid, and the changes have been made. I hope you review them and let me know what you think. This is why I joined Fanstory so many years ago. I am not great at editing by any means, but I am willing to learn. I caught the Bay Lynn issue while at work, and we read my story to a friend. Could'nt do anything about it then, lol. But the other pointers are pure magic, and I will watch for these issues in the future. This story has me pumped and ready to get this book going. I fail to put a comma before "and" almost every time.
Thank you, and I don't mind the help at all; in fact, I encourage it.
You rock"
God bless,
Steve
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Okay, phew! I worried about it after I hit 'Send.' Not all members on here welcome suggestions. But the ones who go on to become the best writers definitely do. I know receiving help from good writers on here sure helped MY writing immensely!
Thank you for very much for responding and for the reviewing vote, too. That was so sweet and VERY much appreciated.
I'll give this a re-read and see if there's any other tidbits I can offer. xo
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Hi again -
I just looked through it and don't see them. Did you remember to hit "Save" after you made the changes? I've done that before, to my absolute frustration and chagrin.
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OMG! I am rolling with laughter. Thank God I still had it open in another tab. Yes, I forgot to hit save.
Thank you,
Steve
P.S. I'm cleaning up the second chapter now, not sure how to add my work to the book section in here.
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Haha.
I think you just have to click the "Write" tab, and from there, it's pretty self-explanatory. You also might need to disable this in the short story category and then move it to the book category...but do not quote me on that! Maybe check with the Powers that Be.
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Okay, I just looked. Go to the "Create a Book" dropdown after you've hit "Write" then just follow the prompts. Plmk if you need any other help. I'll do my best.
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Ok, thanks.
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You rock.
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My pleasure! I'm eager to see this book get noticed!
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Me too! The feedback has me excited. I have to be at work soon, so I have to stop writing, but I think the second chapter is complete. I love this genre as I can move quickly through chapters; however, they may be too short for a novel. I will have to get a feel for this as I go.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is an all too familiar tale of abuse and this man got his comeuppance here. The only problem is that this girl will pay with a life sentence when the law catches up with her. She would have been better off packing a bag and leaving. A fine story, I was entertained, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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This is an all too familiar tale of abuse and this man got his comeuppance here. The only problem is that this girl will pay with a life sentence when the law catches up with her. She would have been better off packing a bag and leaving. A fine story, I was entertained, love Dolly x
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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Dolly, thank you for this. Excellent review, my friend. Dodie Rae just said bang she didn?t really kill him. She has a much plan in mind. You?ll have to wait and see what comes next. Thank you, and God bless, Steve.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Some of this is called the power and control cycle he will try to isolate her from anybody that could give her any sense of who she is or affirm her. The abuser uses the familiar abuse to continue gaining power over the woman: "Shortly after marriage, Richard began to use these same taunts." they're especially bad on birthdays and any kind of anniversary just to make it more miserable for her. A great ending. I worked as an advocate for sexual assault and domestic violence for 30 plus years so this sounds very familiar.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Some of this is called the power and control cycle he will try to isolate her from anybody that could give her any sense of who she is or affirm her. The abuser uses the familiar abuse to continue gaining power over the woman: "Shortly after marriage, Richard began to use these same taunts." they're especially bad on birthdays and any kind of anniversary just to make it more miserable for her. A great ending. I worked as an advocate for sexual assault and domestic violence for 30 plus years so this sounds very familiar.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Liz. This story has me compelled to go forward. I love Stephen King and follow the macabre genre. So this story will go in that direction.
God bless,
Steve
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I'm glad to know you have further plans in your mind.
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Thank you.
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***Smile***
Comment from royowen
Well done Steve, two things.i will never understand, one: abuse of children, and girl bashing, neither one makes sense to me. I still struggle with tailgaters, riding up their big black up my car's backside, they are road bullies, beautifully written, good on Dodie, I'm glad she didn't shoot her no good husband... or maybe she did, well done, an unusual dream, blessings Roy,
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Well done Steve, two things.i will never understand, one: abuse of children, and girl bashing, neither one makes sense to me. I still struggle with tailgaters, riding up their big black up my car's backside, they are road bullies, beautifully written, good on Dodie, I'm glad she didn't shoot her no good husband... or maybe she did, well done, an unusual dream, blessings Roy,
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Roy. There will be more to this story after she meets with her grandmother.
God bless,
Steve
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Well done
Comment from Nicole Schmidt
I very much enjoyed this entry. There are lots of strong emotions and stuff so short answer. You definitely got your point across though.best of luck going forward.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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I very much enjoyed this entry. There are lots of strong emotions and stuff so short answer. You definitely got your point across though.best of luck going forward.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Nicole for the excellent review. I am going to continue this story as the reviews have me pumped.
God bless,
Steve
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a compelling story that needs to be continued as a series or novel. Trying to survive with physical and emotional abuse is a devastating reality that should be explored. Last year, I posted a 2 part story called Oatmeal Cookie Revenge, dealing with the same subject. I would be interested in reading how your protagonist delt with the abuse. I wish you much success with your writing.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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This is a compelling story that needs to be continued as a series or novel. Trying to survive with physical and emotional abuse is a devastating reality that should be explored. Last year, I posted a 2 part story called Oatmeal Cookie Revenge, dealing with the same subject. I would be interested in reading how your protagonist delt with the abuse. I wish you much success with your writing.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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Thank you for this. Excellent review my friend. I am definitely going forward. I?ve already started the second part. And now I am super pumped since I?m getting all these reviews. Thank you for your time and God bless you, Steve.
Comment from Thesis
Besides cleaning up the paragraph spacing, this is a good story. I was surprised your character did not in some way retaliate against the husband when he was asleep. She had a gun, but perhaps she will deal with her revenge later. Having her leave to visit her grandmother is a good segue into another part of the story. I could see this becoming a book. Good luck.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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Besides cleaning up the paragraph spacing, this is a good story. I was surprised your character did not in some way retaliate against the husband when he was asleep. She had a gun, but perhaps she will deal with her revenge later. Having her leave to visit her grandmother is a good segue into another part of the story. I could see this becoming a book. Good luck.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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Thank you, Thesis, for this most excellent review. I didn?t realize that the chapters didn?t separate when I put it on. I did go back and clean it up some if you don?t mind taking a look and let me know if that?s if it was correct, I would appreciate it. Thank you and have a blessed day.
Steve
Comment from jmdg1954
I feel, you have a good beginning to a longer story, maybe a novella.
Giving a little more backstory and then move forward.
Excellent post. Give it some further thought!
Cheers,
John
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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I feel, you have a good beginning to a longer story, maybe a novella.
Giving a little more backstory and then move forward.
Excellent post. Give it some further thought!
Cheers,
John
Comment Written 12-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2024
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Thank you, John for the excellent review and encouragement.
God bless,
Steve
